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‘Siesta Key’: Episode 9.

All piled into Alex;s house, of course…

Whoop! We’re another episode into this (assumingly) fictional drama. The TV guide, and my DVR showed no title for this episode, which was really disheartening. Come on, MTV!

Anyway, let’s get into it! Right off the bat, Juliett and Kelsey are going at it since Juliett took it upon herself about Kelsey and Alex hooking up in last week”s episode. Basically, Juliett says she’s not sorry for telling him the TRUTH – but thanks for stopping by!

Pauly Paul is still recovering from his trip to jail and Alex’s dad is giving him a lecture about where his life is going – because he’s going to keep ending up in jail. However, Pauly Paul says he doesn’t really want to quit smoking weed – instead, he learned not to put it in his car. Mmmkkay.

Later, Chloe and Kelsey are working together and talking about the issue with Juliett. Chloe doesn’t back down and is all, well what do you expect? Your actions have consequences… Yikes.

The group gathers at the beach, and this is where Juliett and Garrett start to get a little closer and he asks her on a date. Nooooooo…

Meanwhile, Madisson and Brandon are getting a little closer and are just about ready to have “the talk”. But Alex is having a difficult time letting her go… He was openly flirting with her at a BBQ, right in front of Kelsey.

Alex and Pauly Paul visit Chloe at work, and she is not happy to see them. Pauly Paul invites her to come to his “Summer in Siesta Key” concert, and Chloe fires back with, “And WHY would I want to do that?” She continues to shut them down with why she is upset and also adds a little bit of, “I do have to work, I’m not a trust fund baby…”

BOOM.

Garrett and Kelsey seem to be getting along great on their date, and she asks him to go to Pauly Paul’s concert with her. He says yes, even though Kelsey is going to be there. Oh boy…

At the concert, even Chloe arrives, and everyone is wondering if Juliett and Garrett really like each other, or if both of them are just out for revenge.

Despite being told twice how the mic works, Pauly Paul didn’t listen and messed up the audio to his songs. He ended up running to his car and crying… And walking off when his friends tried to offer him comfort and assure him he still did a good job.

Chloe convinces him to come back inside and have some fun, so he does. Meanwhile, Kelsey confronts Garrett outside about him kissing Juliett right in front of her, and he’s all “Well at least I waited until after we were broken up to do anything!”

Buuurrnnn….

I have a feeling we’re nearing the end of the season, so this should be an interesting wrap up in these next few episodes (I’m not sure how many are left.

Guess we’ll just have to wait and see!

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‘Siesta Key’: ‘Messy Messy Kelsey’.

Oh, Kelsey…

Hey, hey! I’m so sorry for not posting yesterday – I planned on posting at lunch, and then work got crazy busy and I just couldn’t. But hey, I’m here today and there was a new episode of “Siesta Key” last night!

But before we get into the episode, I couldn’t help but wonder what may have happened to Alex’s family’s mansion in Siesta Key during Hurricane Irma this weekend. I hopped directly to the source: @Alex_Kompo on Instagram – take a look at his stories if you are curious.

It appears there are several trees down and plenty of flooding, but his castle on the water is perfectly fine – with no damage from what I could see. Hmm. Naturally.

Ok, let’s get into it!

The group is back from the Bahamas and Chloe really took Alex’s comment about her weight to heart. So, she’s meeting with Garrett so he can help her work out. Damn – he looks good. Plus, he’s so sweet and is all, “You know you’re not overweight.”

Chloe asks him if he’s talked to Kelsey and he says he got a text from her and didn’t respond – then Chloe tells him that Kelsey and Alex went on a date. Seriously, that’s a freaking SNAKE right there!

Apparently, everyone is working out now, because there’s like a weird montage of Alex lifting weights and Juliette conducting a yoga session on her back patio? I don’t know.

Garrett meets Kelsey at a coffee shop, and it’s awkward right from the start. He’s all, “I’ve been SUPER GOOD.” He confronts her about the dinner date and Kelsey says she’s “sick” of all these rumors, and tells him there’s “nothing” between her and Alex.

She also fails to mention that during the game they played, they were flirting MAJOR and that Alex ended up with his shirt off. But she also reminds Garrett that they’re not together, so dates are a reality.

Meanwhile, Madisson goes out to eat with her ex. He obviously still wants her, and is visibly upset when she tells him that she met someone new. He’s all, “You know there are plenty of engineering jobs in New York…”

Later, Juliette Facetimes Alex to “talk about what happened in Bimini.” Alex pretty much thinks there’s nothing that really happened – they hooked up because they were in the same house, duh. Juliette says they need to end whatever this is because she’s not going to be “available” to him.

Madisson’s mom throws a BBQ, and Brandon comes… and so does Madisson’s ex, and it’s a little awkward for everyone involved. Alex is there, too, so it’s basically ALL of Madisson’s baggage in a single area! The three guys are talking to each other, visibly sizing each other up, and Alex is (of course) being a huge dick.

But Madisson is talking with Kelsey and says she’s having mixed feelings about her ex and Brandon. She later tells Alex that she’s considering the move to New York – um, what? No girl.

Brandon heads out of the party early and tells Madisson she seems “close” with Grant. Madisson seems upset and is like, “What? I hope everything is ok, call me” and then later tells her ex that she’s missed him.

And thennnnnn she sees Kelsey and Alex kissing in the pool.

Not to spoil anything but next week’s episode is called “Garrett Gets a New Girl” and from the previews, it looks like it’s Juliette. Lord!

Before I head out – I did post 7 (yes, SEVEN) new items on my Etsy shop yesterday (including a tassel necklace and pom pom earrings). I’ve been busy! Check them out and tell me what you like; or what types of things you’d like to see in the store.

‘Siesta Key’: ‘Juliette’s Bahama Drama’.

That eyeliner tho…

Hey hey! Don’t you just love 3-day weekends? Sure, it’s a little shitty that we have to be back at work today, but it’s already TUESDAY?! Although, I feel like tomorrow I’ll think it’s Thursday and just be really disappointed overall.

But alas, another episode of “Siesta Key” is upon us, and the gang is headed to the Bahamas!

Kelsey is headed with the group to the Bahamas, but without Garrett since they’re on a break. The group is staying in a giant house together, so this will be interesting…

Juliette is among the group as well, and she’s getting used to seeing Kelsey sidling right up to Alex. Chloe is sharing a room with Juliette and is quick to tell her that Kelsey and Alex hooked up after his gala.

In fact, she says, Amanda was looking for her phone after the party and knocked on Alex’s closed bedroom door. Supposedly, he answered the door butt-naked, and when Amanda peeked into the room, Kelsey was in the bed naked, as well.

Here we goooooo.

At dinner, Juliette is back to her dumbass ways and says she doesn’t know how to eat edamame. Lord have mercy on this child.

Pauly Paul must be fresh off a line of the good stuff because he’s asking Kelsey what’s up with her and Garrett? Who ended it? Why did it end? Who are you going to hook up with while you’re here?

Later, he’s having a heart-to-heart with Juliette and he tells her Kelsey and Alex definitely like each other… Juliette is all, “Really? What do I do?”

Meanwhile, Brandon and Madisson are getting a COUPLE’S massage (!) and Brandon is like moaning through the entire thing, and says, “This is better than sex.” Come on, bro.

Chloe and Kelsey are at the spa and Chloe asks her what’s up with her and Alex. Kelsey admits they have a fun chemistry, but that’s all it will ever be. When Chloe confronts her about what happened after the gala, Kelsey says nothing happened… but no one is believing that.

But later… Alex asks Kelsey to go to dinner “as friends”… really?

At the dock, Amanda confronts Kelsey about what happened after the gala. Amanda straight up calls her a liar, and Kelsey says she did go into his room to change into dry clothes. But nothing happened. Srsly?

Alex takes Kelsey out to dinner and he tells everyone he’s taking her out because she’s the new girl. During dinner, they reiterate how they are just friends… but Kelsey calls bullshit on his relationship with with Juliette.

While everyone else is eating dinner, they are ALL talking about Kelsey and Alex. Madisson swears they are just friends but everyone else is all NO, NOPE…

After dinner, Kelsey has a drinking game for her and Alex, and immediately he ends up with his shirt off. Eventually, the whole group joins in… and the next morning, Juliette is in Alex’s bed with him. Now what?

As the gang is packing up, Kelsey says she’s ready to go home but she’s afraid she might have blown it with Garrett. GURL.

Now I cannot wait to see what he says… next week!

‘Siesta Key’: ‘Madisson’s Avenues’.

Pauly Paul, Kelsey, and Brandon.

Hey, hey! Trump is on his way to Texas and this state is flipping him the bird – the memes on Twitter are worth a look if you need a laugh. Anyway, I won’t get into politics… let’s get into last night’s episode of “Siesta Key”!

The episode picks up right where last week left off, Garrett has ditched Kelsey at the 20’s party, so she jumps into the pool with Alex and Madisson and Brandon. Later, she follows Alex into the house… and the production makes it look like something happened.

At Garrett’s house, he’s telling his brother what happened the night before. Meanwhile, Alex heads to the beach with Chloe, Amanda, Brandon, Pauly Paul, Madisson, and Kelsey… and Garrett shows up! Whoooooo!

Amanda and Chloe take a stroll on the beach, and Chloe tells Amanda she’s disappointed in her for hooking up with Alex, and for the dismissive way she acted at the party last night.

Later, Brandon asks Madisson on a date.. and I’ll admit, it’s kinda cute!

Juliette is at home sipping water by the pool, and she’s talking to her friend Hannah like, “I’m not going to act like he didn’t hook up with Amanda.” And Hannah just keeps saying, “Yeah… yeah… yeah.”

Kelsey and Garrett have a lil walk on the beach and it really just seems like things aren’t working out. Kelsey apologizes for the way the night went down and Garrett apologizes for leaving the party. He says they’ll talk about it the next day.

Later, Alex suggests the gang go to Bimini, and everyone agrees even though Pauly Paul has a court date for getting caught with weed.

Brandon takes Madisson on their date and they order some tropical blended drinks… and he’s all charming and it’s sweet. And they KISSSSSSSS!!!

Garrett and Kelsey talk the next day and he tells her he’s not going to the Bahamas. She admits she was flirting with Alex after the party, and Garrett suggests they go on a break. OUCH.

Madisson is heading to visit her mom, and she mentioned to her sister that visiting her mom makes her nervous. Madisson tells her mom that her dad is hosting a graduation dinner and she should come – her mom declines.

At Madisson’s dinner, everyone is so dressed up and Madisson’s dad is grilling Brandon, but he’s taking it well. Alex’s mom makes an awkward comment about how Madisson used to “tutor” Alex and shit, does Brandon give The Glare to Alex.

The next day, the entire gang gets together to go on Alex’s boat. Even Kelsey joins…without Garrett. Everyone asks where he is and she says they’re on a break. Alex looks happy to hear this and everyone is NOT surprised.

Juliette is “shocked” to see Brandon and Madisson together, and is all “Who else hooked up after the party?” And just then… Alex and Kelsey are in the water together… Yikes.

And the SAGA continues!! We’ll see what happens next week!

‘Siesta Key’: ‘Alex’s Kingdom’.

The saga continues…

Every week I continue to be SHOCKED that this show is still on television. Here we are, again, so let’s get into it!

The episode kicks off with Chloe asking Alex if he really slept with Amanda. He admits it, shockingly, and Chloe is just liiiike, hey could you let me know when you sleep with my friends? And Alex is all, “Well, I don’t plan on it happening AGAIN.”

Already, Amanda has ruined things with Brandon before they even got started, so at least Chloe may have THAT to hang on to (I mean can this chick catch a break?).

Juliet stops by Alex’s house and he tells her that he hooked up with Amanda “a few weeks back”, and shockingly, Juliet is pissed and stands up for herself. Then she’s all, “Bye. I’ll see you. Maybe. I don’t know.”

Later, Kelsey seems pretty bummed about the conversation she had with Garrett.

The fact that Amanda and Alex hooked up is the BIGGEST story of this episode… and I’m really not sure why. Possibly because Alex keeps telling everyone.

Chloe and Juliet… is it Juliet or Juliette? Or do I care? Anyway, they are talking about it and finally Chloe asks what we’re all thinking: “Do you really think you’re not going to hook up with Alex again?” And she has nothing to say because SHE WILL.

Meanwhile, Alex is planning to host a party at his house that will benefit kids with autism (his brother and sister have autism). Good job.

Everyone is talking about how Kelsey is on the verge of breaking up with Brandon… and Alex is eyeing her for a rebound hookup. Ugh!

It’s the day of the party, and they are really sprucing things up at Alex’s house. Madison is helping him and asks him if Juliet AND Amanda RSVP’d – of course they did…

At the party, Chloe tells Alex that Kelsey and Garret are having issues…oh, Lord.

It honestly seems like Brandon is hitting on Madison, then straight up asks her out, and she’s all, uh, what about Amanda? Looks like she’s getting left in the dust.

When Amanda arrives at the party though, all the guys are like DAAAAAAMN. Then Juliet says she needs to go talk to her (meanwhile, we all wish this would end in a fight).

It’s rather calm, and Amanda swears she’s not with Alex, AT ALL.

Later, Alex gives a big speech about why he threw the party and basically everyone is all about him. Kelsey takes him outside and it’s like… romantic. NO. No!!!!!! I really like Garret, and not Alex!

Then, Alex invites her to stay and go swimming… and she’s all “you should open up more”… oh my GOD.

Later, Juliet is all, OMIGOD you guyz, I am so proud of myself for showing up and forgiving Amanda and being the bigger person, now can we just go? And they’re out.

Garret tells Kelsey he’s leaving because she’s not hanging out with him, and it seems super rough. He tells her she’s been with Alex the whole night and he doesn’t want to talk to her… and he leaves. Nooooooooo…

And then the episode is over. From the looks of next week’s episode, it does NOT look good for Garret and Kelsey. Ugh.

Some of my Etsy items!

PS. I opened up an Etsy Shop yesterday!

I have been wanting to do some serious crafting, and I finally had the time to make some things that I really liked.

I’ve been making earrings, and decided to list them after so many people reached out and asked me about them.

Right now, I have 8 fun styles listed, but am already working on more, so keep an eye out!

All of the styles are $15 or under and I’m offering FREE shipping in the US.

Although I have specific colors listed right now, I’m always happy to customize items or make new things just for you. Check it out!

‘Siesta Key’: ‘Kelsey’s New Crew’.

Another installment of ‘Siesta Key’.

Let me just start this by saying I’m writing this after having just gotten home from WINNING “Saved By the Bell” trivia! After years and years of watching the same episodes on repeat, I finally have something to show for it: $1oo in giftcards, fools! Okay, I owe a lot of it to my teammate, but we kicked BUTT.

Anyway, onto “Siesta Key”! The teaser is making it look like Kelsey is going to join the gaggle of whores going after Alex. She’s out to lunch with Chloe and basically shit-talking the gift he got her for their anniversary. Ugh.

Alex Facetimes Madison and apologized for talking so rudely to her at the bonfire. Later, Chloe is out to lunch with her mom and they’re talking about how “great” summer is in Siesta Key? Umm really, cause you literally JUST had surgery for getting your face beat in. It cannot be that great.

Later, some of the group joins Alex on his boat and I can’t help but wonder if it’s the same boat he’s committed all these crimes on. Ew.

Amanda is on the boat, in a thong, and she’s basically all over every guy, because of course. In his defense though, Alex encourages her to squash her beef with Chloe and she says she will (maybe in the season finale).

Later, Alex is “teaching” Kelsey how to drive the boat and you can tell Garrett is jeaaaaalllous.

Next, Madison (I realized I’ve been spelling her name wrong this entire time, it’s Madisson) is prepping for her interview with Alex’s dad’s company. But basically right when she walks in, the guy tells her she really has nothing on her resume compared to the other candidates. Awesome.

Then, Chloe is visiting with a therapist and is telling her about the altercation she had with Amanda. The therapist tells her to consider the role of alcohol in the fight, and how she reacts to situations. Chloe also tells the therapist that her father is aggressive and has been in and out of jail – she has never met him.

Kelsey and Garrett are paddleboarding and she is talking about how much fun she had on the boat the day before – and he’s not really into it. I’ll admit, this scene was a little sad – I felt bad for Garrett. He was like, “Alex has a lot of money and I’m sure he thinks he can just do whatever he wants and date whoever.” Aww… Kelsey reassures him she’s not interested in Alex, but the entire situation is just weird.

Back at Alex’s house, he finds out he’s been waitlisted for law school. So… yeah.

At Juliette’s she’s recovering from having her wisdom teeth removed. She says she’s under the influence of pain killers, yet she seems exactly the same as how we’ve seen her all season. Hm.

Alex and Madisson meet up and talk about their recent failures, and Alex says he is dead-set on wanting to be a lawyer because he likes the water and “that shit costs money”, so he’s going to work his ass off, be a lawyer, retire, and then own a marina.

Umm, ok. I feel like law is a job you actually have to have a passion for and not just want money, but I could be wrong. Two, how is someone BREAKING THE LAW going to get into law school and be successful? Is this a thing?

Juliette finally gets to hang out with Alex again, and they are trying to work out a meeting between Amanda and Chloe.

Juliette agrees to meet up with the two of them to try and mediate. Chloe immediately starts crying and apologizes for her part – basically, her mouth. Amanda apologizes, too, and says she wants to move on from it, but she still has to see it to believe it.

Aaaaand then the fact that Brandon wants Amanda comes up, and shockingly, Chloe is cool with it. Wow. WAY TO GO LADIES!

Butttt then Pauly Paul shows up at the bar during Chloe’s shift and he tells her about Amanda hooking up with Alex. And thisssss goes over poorly.

Next week? It’s another party at Alex’s! Go figure!!!! I’ll see you then…

‘Siesta Key’: We Need to Talk About Chloe.

And it’s back for episode 2.

We left this shit show last week with Chloe FaceTiming Alex and showing him her face, which had clearly been beaten in.

As I guessed, Amanda kicked her ass for being a lil bitch when it comes to Brandon. And just like that, their friendship is over and I’m sure this cat fight is going to last alllll summer.

Chloe was all, “She hasn’t even, like, texted me to see if I’m OK!!” No shit, she HATES you!!!!

Obviously, this episode is going to focus on 2 things: Chloe’s face getting beat, and Madison v. Juliette. Basically, recap over.

Madison and Kelsey are at lunch and Kelsey says, “I want to see what Florida is all about.” Umm Florida is all about RETIREMENT.

Later, Alex says Madison didn’t know him when he “had all this” *rolls eyes*, which I assume is basically his way of stating that she’s the only decent person/non-gold digger ’round these parts.

Mind you, it’s about this time Juliette gets her hair wet again, and I’m beginning to think she’s confident in this look. No, girl. Just no.

After the break, there’s a fantastic side-by-side of Amanda in a thong at the bikini contest while Brandon watches, and Chloe being wheeled out of the hospital after surgery. Like really, that’s fucked up.

Later, Garrett says he’s trying to think of something to do for him and Kelsey’s 6-month anniversary… but in the last episode Kelsey said they just met on Tindr. What gives MTV? Get a new script editor!

Madison confronts Alex about his promiscuity last summer with Juliette – and he’s all, “Uh, it wasn’t Facebook official!”

Later, Chloe shows her face in public and props to this girl with her two black eyes, sipping on margaritas!

Instead of taking her somewhere nice like he planned, Garrett takes Kelsey to the beach for a picnic… and she’s pretty ungrateful honestly. Shocker. He gave her a jar of 365 hand-written notes… and she gave him a giant bag of pistachios. Not kidding.

He brings non-alcoholic cider and sliced cheese, and Kelsey constantly makes comments about how this would be waaaaayyy different if they were at a restaurant. For someone who moved to Florida to care for her mother, she a biiiiiitch. Yea?

Brandon is hosting the next party, and Chloe doesn’t want to see Amanda. Obviously. Girl, you’re better off sitting at home, alone, watching episodes of “Laguna Beach”. Trust me on this one.

It’s the night of Brandon’s party, and as soon as Juliette shows up, Madison starts guzzling whatever is in her red cup. Meanwhile, Chloe is tucking herself into bed and she totally has one of those touch-lamps from the early 90s.

At the bonfire party, Alex is his usual self -playing Juliette and Madison right in front of each other’s faces. After Alex calls Madison a “Bow down queen”, Kelsey tells her to move on.

Outside of filming, news has surfaced that Alex allegedly shot and killed a hammerhead shark while fishing. Killing marine life in Florida is illegal. Alex posted video of a fisherman lifting a shark partially out of the water, and shooting it, and then later deleted the video from his Instagram feed. The video is currently under investigation as a petition is circulating calling for those involved in last week’s “shark dragging” incident to be arrested.

Obviously, I’ll await the news to see if he’s guilty or not, but I know one thing is for sure: this kid is a privileged asshole.

So, yeah, we’ll see what happens next week…

‘Siesta Key’: ‘Romeo and Juliette’.

The premier of MTV’s “Siesta Key”.

In anticipation of what MTV is calling “Laguna Beach 2.0”, the network aired old episodes of “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills” all weekend and I was in heaven! They were also promoting the shit out of “Siesta Key”, and it worked – I was real pumped to see this episode.

That is until I saw the “Siesta Key” watch party had been cancelled after public outrage due to one of the cast members being involved in a “shark dragging” incident that killed a shark. Umm, what? Here’s the report from the Herald Tribune:

Reaction to the show from local residents led to the creation of a “Boycott Siesta Key MTV” Facebook page that pointed to an apparent connection between cast members and a man who allegedly dragged a shark to death behind his boat.

Well that’s just great. Here’s another little nugget of information for you (also from the Herald Tribune):

The show’s main cast member is Alex Kompothecras, son of Gary Kompothecras, the chiropractor best-known in these parts for founding the 1-800-ASK-GARY legal and medical referral service. “Siesta Key” originated from a pilot financed by Kompothecras.

So, that’s why we’ve seen all the previews of Alex’s family home, which is huge and covered in enough gold to rival President Trump. After doing a little more digging, it appears there was the video of the shark dragging, along with some pictures on social media of men (covered in blood) that are allegedly friends with some of the “Siesta Key” cast. The video and photos are currently under investigation.

The premier episode still rolls on and I’m still reviewing it as planned. Obviously, I do not condone killing innocent animals, especially in a way of suffering. Hopefully, the investigation will result in those men being punished appropriately (i.e. being dragged behind a boat).

Anyway, the show must go on!

The episode starts by introducing every cast mate: Alex – the “king of the crew” – who I’m guessing is also going to be a shithead. He’s dating Juliette. Chloe is the bitch. And SHE has a crush on Brandon. Kelsey is the new girl in town, and is dating Garrett – who isn’t a part of THE CLIQUE.

Aparently Alex cheated on Juliette last summer with Madison – his ex. Lordy.

What continues is some slo-mo cheesy shit.

Alex and Juliette are on a date… and he’s an idiot. He’s about to turn 22, has graduated, so this is his self-proclaimed “big one”.

And Juliette wore stilettos to the boardwalk, so she’s one of those chicks. Ugh.

Madison flies into town, and everyone is warning him that she thinks it will be back to business as usual.

The ladiessss are all gathered somewhere, and they’re all O M G Juliette went on a date with Juliette. These chicks are basic AF and it’s on an entirely new level.

Madison shows up at Alex’s and he greets her with a bottle of Veuve and 2 flutes. They sit on the beach and catch up… and Alex is all, “I heard everything’s bigger in Texas.”

She asks him if he has a girlfriend and he’s all, “Nope” – even after he JUST told Juliette he was cool being with just her.

Kelsey and Chloe “work” at a bar – it’s pretend work – we all knew “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills” were scripted and MTV is not even playing with this one. It’s fake as hell. Kelsey says she met her boyfriend Garrett on Tinder, which I’m sure is also a lie.

We can also just get this out of the way: Alex is ugly. Like come ON MTV, you gave us Stephen Coletti, can you give us a better lead character than Alex the freaking Ogre?

Alex and Brandon come to the bar, and Alex is all eyeing Kelsey up and down. He invites her to his birthday party and ta-da, she’s free. Because why would a bartender be free on a Saturday?

Everyone is just SEW excited for Alex’s birthday party, because WHAT girl is he going to choose to be all over him?

Later, Kelsey is getting ready for the party, and she’s talking about her and Garrett like they’ve been together for two YEARS instead of two weeks. Weird.

But then she walks into that fucking party like a BOSS BITCH and everyone stares because there’s finally someone hot with a personality.

This makes Juliette super nervous and she drunkenly bites Alex’s face and is all OMG ITS SOOOO NICE TO MEET YOU. I’m over her already.

Juliette appraoches Madison and it’s like so much teeth in one scene… “Would you like, let me know if he hits on you, that’d be like, cool.”

Thx.

Later, Alex literally tosses Juliette over his shoulder and heads to the bedroom. And Madison runs and cries on the beach like a punk ass.

At the end of the episode, it shows pictures of Chloe with her face bashed in and bloody, so we’ll get that conclusion next week.

Honestly, this is a failure. This show is pretty bad, and it’s definitely NOT even close to “Laguna Beach” or “The Hills”. Watching Twitter during it was my only saving grace…

The Bitter Lemon’s Summer TV Guide!

It’s gonna be a good summer.

I sort of hate myself for promoting sitting inside all summer and catching up on TV, but it’s been a solid 106 degrees here in Austin, and even the coolest pool isn’t going to get me outside for much longer than i have to be. So, yeah, I’m watching TV this summer – especially the junky stuff – and I’m not ashamed! Who’s with me?!

“Insecure”, season 2 (HBO) – Comedy

I was completely blown away by season one of “Insecure”, and have been fangirling over lead actress and writer, Issa Rae, ever since. Here’s the scoop from HBO.com:

Modern-day black women are usually portrayed as strong, confident and “flawless.” But Issa and Molly are definitely not “killing it.” These best friends must deal with their own real-life flaws as they attempt to navigate different worlds and cope with an endless series of uncomfortable everyday experiences.

Created by Issa Rae and Larry Wilmore, the comedy series Insecure explores the black female experience. Rae stars as Issa and Yvonne Orji stars as Molly. Over the course of the season, Issa attempts to figure out what she wants out of life and how to take control of it, while fumbling her way through this journey. Molly, a corporate attorney who appears to have everything together professionally, struggles inside as she looks for external ways to fix her life.

Meanwhile, Issa’s boyfriend, Lawrence (Jay Ellis), who has fallen victim to complacency, works to get his own act together. Frieda (Lisa Joyce), Issa’s overeager white co-worker, whose enthusiasm is both annoying and endearing, is at the crux of Issa’s racial frustrations at work.

I. AM. SO. EXCITED. Plus! With a new season of “Insecure” comes a new batch of the “Insecuritea” after show podcast – yes!

Premiers Sunday, July 23 @ 10:30 pm EST.

“A Night With My Ex” (Bravo) – Reality

Basically, this show had me with the title. I mean, there’s not an ex I would want to spend a night with, so you’ve already got me curious. Here’s the scoop from TVguide.com:

The 10-episode season follows 11 former couples who agree to spend one night alone in an apartment together — no producers, only cameras rigged to catch their every move. Seeing each other for the first time since their breakup will bring up unexpected reactions in the exes, including shocking confessions, crazy fights, intense hook-ups and some wild twists we thought only existed in Shondaland. There are even marriage proposals and a pregnancy reveal!

And unlike in the real world, the exes have nowhere to hide once they enter the one-bedroom apartment. Whatever goes down, the former couple will be forced to deal with their unresolved issues without any interruptions, distractions or, of course, any privacy.

Tuesdays @ 10 pm EST.

“I Hart Food” (Food Network) – American Food 

I’m pretty excited for this show after seeing Hannah Hart on her YouTube show, “My Drunk Kitchen”. Now she’s got her own series! Here’s the description from the Food Network Blog:

Hannah Hart has over five-million followers on social media, a killer sense of humor, a passion for food and this summer, she’s taking a flavor-filled journey to some of the country’s favorite regional food spots in the new Food Network series I Hart Food. In the six-episode series, food enthusiast Hannah follows her appetite to discover incredible local dishes and awesome conversations. From investigating Santa Fe’s fiery fixation with green and red chilies to catching New England lobsters with her bare hands in Portland, Maine, Hannah’s food adventures explore every angle of these local specialties and the stories behind them.

Premiers Monday, August 14 @ 10 pm EST.

“Phelps vs. Shark” (Discovery) – Competition

Yep, you read that correctly. Swimmer Michael Phelps is racing a great white shark to kick off “Shark Week”, and I cannot help but watch. They’re pegging it as “The battle for ocean supremacy”, because obviously that’s a thing. I was picturing it as a literal race in the ocean, but then I realized how stupid a thought that was, given that a shark doesn’t know how to race. Right? Whatever. I’m still watching it.

Airs Sunday, July 23 @ 8 pm EST.

“Shahs of Sunset”, season 6 (Bravo) – Reality

This has got to be one of my favorite Bravo shows and I’m so happy it’s back! Asa is pregnant, which means MJ is throwing her all KINDS of shade. Mike is living single, while GG is supposedly healed, and Reza is happily married. It’s sure to be a solid season with this group!

Sundays @ 8 pm EST.

“Million Dollar Matchmaker”, season 2 (WETV) – Dating 

You may remember matchmaker Patti Stanger from her 8 seasons on Bravo as the “Millionaire Matchmaker”. She moved to WETV, but is still serving up the same fierce attitude, along with brilliant matchmaking. Here’s the scoop from Deadline.com:

The series, featuring matchmaker Patti Stanger as she helps her toughest clients find true love, reached 12.4 million total viewers in its first season. In season two, Stanger takes over the west wing of the exclusive Luxe Hotel in Los Angeles. Each week, two of her hardest-to-match clients will check in for a week-long stay, hoping to leave with the love of their life.

“Patti’s no-nonsense approach to love and dating struck a chord with WE tv viewers, and we can’t wait to have her back on Friday nights in an all-new location with new millionaires, using her brand of tough love to help her clients find true love,” said Marc Juris, president of WE tv. “In the world of love and relationships, there simply is no equal to Patti Stanger, and we are thrilled to have her as part of the WE tv family.”

Premiers Friday, August 4 @ 10 pm EST.

“Flipping Out”, season 10 (Bravo) – Reality

I hate to love Jeff Lewis, but come on! Plus, let’s face facts, Zoila is my favorite person on this show. I can’t believe we’re going into season 10, which means I’ve spent 1/3 of my life watching this show… Here’s the description from BravoTV.com:

Yes, things are just as cray cray for Jeff Lewis and his Flipping Out crew when the series returns this August. Life looks a little different for the designer on Season 10. In addition to making homes beautiful and some employee drama, he’s about to become a father — and impending parenthood is way more stressful than he and partner, Gage Edward, could ever have imagined.

Premiers Thursday, August 17 @ 9 pm EST.

“Life of Kylie” (E!) – Reality 

I stopped watching “The Kardashians” two years ago – not for any moral reasons, I was just sort of over it – but I cannot turn away from this new little branch of show. I know. I’m terrible. Here’s the gist of it, from Deadline.com:

The eight-episode half-hour show will follow Jenner as she navigates her life as entrepreneur, fashion designer, author, social media star and CEO/founder of Kylie Cosmetics. The show also will document her personal life, including spending time with her close friend Jordyn Woods.

Premiers Sunday, August 6 @ 9 pm EST.

“Siesta Key” (MTV) – Reality, Drama

If “Scripted drama” were a thing, I’d call this that, because it’s been advertised as a show for people who liked “The Hills”. I did not like “The Hills”…I fucking LOVED “The Hills”. So, “Siesta Key” has big shoes to fill, okay!? Here’s the scoop from Variety.com:

“Siesta Key” follows a group of seven longtime friends in the Sarasota, Fla., area as they graduate from high school and through their reunion back home in the summer following freshman year in college. This time around, the storytelling in “Key” aims to dive deeper into the emotional lives of the key players rather than the frothier approach of past MTV serials. “Key” and other shows on MTV’s summer slate are laser-focused on reflecting the way teens and twentysomethings live today. That means the cameras capture how much of those lives play out on social media.

Premiers Monday, July 31 @ 10 pm EST.

‘Southern Charm’: Reunion, part II.

The conclusion of the ‘Southern Charm’ reunion.

Hey y’all! We picked right back up where we left off last week, with Kathryn being absolutely insane but backing off after Thomas was shaking with rage and threatening to take her down via court + judge.

Jennifer is too kind and still says she would be friends with Kathryn, even after all the crap they’ve been through.

They have Jennifer leave and bring out Whitney. Andy says a lot of the viewers enjoyed seeing Thomas embrace his role as a father and Thomas says he is moving to a kid-friendly neighborhood.

Andy brought up a question from the audience about the incident earlier in the season where Shep accused Landon of bragging about hanging out with billionaires. Landon said it was a situation (between the billionaires) where she felt sexually threatened.

Oddly, Kathryn and Landon call a truce – and they say it’s genuine. Kathryn believes Thomas used Landon as a weapon against Kathryn. And then they admit they went to a wedding together, but not “together”, just that weekend. OMGGGGGG.

Then, Chelsea comes on! She talks about what happened between her and Shep, and she says she wishes she would see more of “sober” Shep. They also go over the moment where Shep supposedly grabbed Chelsea… and Austen’s face is priceless (eyes rolled back into his damn head).

A viewer asks a question about Landon flirting with Austen in Key West, and Landon plays her usual line, “Oh, that’s just my personality!” And Kathryn jumps right in with, “Here we go again, when you ‘didn’t’ do anything wrong…” Landon is like oh, this is just pointing to your insecurities, and Chelsea is all, “Oh honey I sure as hell ain’t insecure” BWAHAHAHA.

Then they start talking about the boys’ night where Austen confronts Shep, and the guys agree Shep acts like he’s entitled. But before we know it, they’re all accusing each other of being drunk assholes. Naturally.

Andy says he can’t help but notice the FIRE between Kathryn and Thomas; and they admit there will probably always be something between them. Andy asks if there’s ever any chance of them getting back together, and they basically say no… but who knows!

That’s basically the end, but they DO talk about Shep’s new show, “Relation Shep” (which would explain his Instagram handle). They show a preview for it, and it’s sort of like “The Bachelor”, only with Shep. Eh… I dunno…

Oh hell, we all know I’m going to watch it! What did y’all think of this reunion? I liked part one better, but I just love this show all around!

‘Southern Charm’: Ain’t No Thang Like a Chicken Wing.

The ‘Southern Charm’ season finale!

Helloooo! I know I’m nearly a WEEK late on my “Southern Charm” recap – I did watch it last Monday night while I was in Indiana, and missed being able to write about it immediately after. But it’s finally here!

You may recall at the end of the previous episode, Landon’s behavior toward Kathryn pretty much shocks the group and that’s where things were left off. The whole scene triggered something in Thomas, and now he’s convinced Landon was just into social climbing, and he’s completely turned off. Relationship = over.

This means that whole beginning scene in the season was a DAMN waste! Argh, Bravo!

On the other hand, there’s Chelsea and Austen. After Austen stood up for Chelsea with the whole Shep shebang, there’s clearly a question in the air about where they stand. Even though Chelsea says she doesn’t want a relationship, they stayed in the same room in Key West, took morning swims together, and seem to be getting along awfully nicelyyyy…

The entire question really comes to a head in one of the final scenes of the season – where Shep has another lady on his lap. Boy is Chelsea FUMING! She confronts him afterward, saying he made her look like a fool, and he’s all, “Well you’re the one who said you didn’t want a relationship.”

So she eats her words and they are officially together. Aw!

Meanwhile, Craig and Naomi are still on the rocks. They have yet another pretty rocky conversation, and it almost looks as if they’re going to break up… but they don’t. However, I am really curious to see where they are at once the reunion airs.

In the end, there were two things that stuck out in this episode: 1. The group spends an entire evening riding around Key West on mopeds, which sounds like no big deal, but it looks hilarious.

Dani faints at a bar and half of the group panics and calls 911, while the other half are out on the town and they speed off to the hospital on their mopeds. It was funny, trust me.

The other thing was that things between Kathryn and Thomas start to get so good… that she tells him she feels the urge to kiss him, so they kiss! By the time the final party rolls around, the entire city knows about it and just CANNOT deal.

Naturally, when the episode ends – we’re left not knowing where they stand. So much reunion fodder!

‘Southern Charm’: A Tribe Called Key West.

Kathryn is… NOT… stirring up trouble?

Hey, hey! I feel like the episodes of “Southern Charm” just keep getting better and better, and after seeing the previews for this week’s episode, I was reallllly looking forward to things completely blowing up in Key West for Cameron’s birthday.

So, here we go!

At the opening of the episode, Craig has enlisted his cat Gizmo to help him make baby clothes for Cameron’s birthday, after the psychic told her she was going to have a child within the year.

At Chelsea’s house, Shep comes over – again- uninvited. He apologizes for basically attacking her in the bar, and making her feel cheap. He tries to explain that he acts withdrawn because he likes her, which is obviously ridiculous.

Later, Kathryn comes over to Cameron’s house to talk about the upcoming trip. Cameron admits she sees this trip as a “last hurrah” because she is considering having a child. After a quick heart-to-heart, Kathryn tells Cameron about the trip we’d all heard about on the last reunion – when Thomas took Landon on the 3-day trip he’d planned for Kathryn.

Hmm!

At Craig’s, Naomi admits she doesn’t really want to go on the trip because of how bad of a place she’s in with Craig. She even says if they both go on the trip, she might not be with him when they get back.

Landon is questioning whether or not she should go, because of Kathryn. Lord. Thomas is encouraging her to go, basically saying, she’s my baby-mama and she’s not going anywhere, so get used to it.

Later, Austen and Chelsea are heading over to Austen’s parents’ house for dinner (awwww). But after she met with Shep, she’s acting like things are cool with Shep and that things didn’t exaaaactly happen the way she mentioned.

And basically mid-conversation, they pull up to the family home, and have to plaster on some smiles before going inside for dinner. Naturally, Chelsea is winning the parents over, which has Austen fretting since now he doesn’t know where they stand.

The gang heads to Key West – even Kathryn, along with Naomi AND Craig, and Chelsea and Austen get separate rooms. Shit.

Finally, it’s the scene they keep playing on the previews where it’s Landon against Chelsea and Cameron – as they defend Kathryn and question Landon about the trip she took with Thomas. She still denies that anything happened, says she had her “own wing” of the house, and that Kathryn made the whole thing up.

Please, girl.

At dinner, Landon is sure to sit very far away from Thomas, and Kathryn orders a margarita, which I find strange considering she is in drug recovery??

Oddly though, everyone is getting along great, and Kathryn even apologizes to Whitney and he returns the favor. At Whitney’s suggestion, Landon tells Kathryn she wants to move on from the past and just let it go. W O W.

It’s actually so good, that it’s shady. Landon is hugging her and being all, “As women we’re all each other has…” and even Thomas is left questioning her motives. He suggests her apology to Kathryn was self-serving, in order to advance her agenda.

…And next week is the SEASON FINALE.

‘Southern Charm’: Boys Gone Wild.

Austen!

Episodes of “Southern Charm” and “Southern Charm Savannah” sure do perk up my Mondays! Especially after last week’s episode of Shep’s epic downfall, I was ready for last night (I also made vegan tacos, and those were pretty good, too).

The episode kicks off with Cameron seeing what Chelsea is up to, and it turns out, she’s helping Kathryn pick out outfits for a photo shoot and asks Cam to come along – this should be interesting.

Later, JD meets up with Thomas for a drink, and they have a little chat about Kathryn and the kids. Thomas admits she is a “difficult woman to resist”, but then tells JD about his walk with Landon. JD admits that Kathryn may not be too excited about this matchup – understatement of the year!

Over at Landon’s, her dad comes to pick her up and take her to see a property. During the car ride, he looks like he would rather be ANYWHERE else in the world, with just about ANYONE. Once they get to the property, her father says he needs someone to be on the property every day and if she does it, she’d make up to $200,000. But she basically says no, because she wants to work on her website. Lord.

Cameron heads over to Shep’s and she’s a little frightened by the fact that it’s noon, he’s dressed, and his house is clean. They have a conversation about Chelsea, and Cameron tries to convince him that she’s NOT seeing Austen (lies). Shep says he’s not scared of getting hurt, but he’s scared of hurting someone else.

Chelsea and Kathryn start shopping for outfits – Kathryn says she needs to market herself as a “JCrew Bitch”, which she is not – Uh, yeah, no shit! When Cameron shows up, Kathryn could give a flying fuck. While Kathryn is trying things on, Cameron says her birthday is coming up and she would like everyone to come on a trip to Key West, including Thomas – which Kathryn says she’s fine with (buut will she be fine with Landon kissing all on Thomas).

Later, Austen comes to visit Chelsea at work and she tells him that Shep tried to kiss her multiple times the night before, and also said that her and Austen are a “joke”. Needless to say, Austen is pissed, and already made plans to go have drinks with Shep that night. Hmm…. here. we. goo….

Austen meets up with Craig first and tells him what happened between Shep and Chelsea. Then, Whitney comes in… and later, Shep arrives. Immediately, Shep goes in for the digs against Austen. Austen reminds Shep of what he did, and Shep thinks he’s done nothing wrong. Shep also says Austen must not be dating Chelsea because neither of them will “admit it.” Then Shep just blames the entire thing on Cameron.

The next day, Kathryn is scheduled for her photo shoot, and Chelsea is helping her with her hair. Thomas brings the kids by, and it’s actually really sweet. But when it’s time for Thomas to take the kids home, Kensie has an absolute fit… it’s bad.

Later, Naomi and Craig are back in therapy… and it doesn’t appear things are getting any better. He even starts yelling to the point the therapist has to tell him to stop.

…And next week’s episode looks even more firey, y’all!

‘Southern Charm’: The Hangover.

Finally, The Scene!

After the way we left last week’s episode, I was really looking forward to last night’s chapter! Naturally, things kick off with Saint’s birthday party, where Kathryn does decide to go. Everyone is pretty happy to see her there, and she actually gets along with Thomas.

However, Patricia still has her sights set on Thomas and Landon getting together. So, she tells Thomas he should go to Landon’s house one evening and take her on a walk – because that is what they did in the days of courtship, and it worked.

So… drumroll… we finally get to see THE SCENE they showed us in episode one! Thomas goes over to Landon’s house – she’s actually in the midst of figuring out her website/magazine naming crisis – and he brings her a rose (to which she merely says, “For future reference, Orchids are my favorite” – ugh), and asks if she would like to take a walk. She does, and so does her little dog, Charlotte.

Even though I don’t like Landon, I will admit, this is pretty cute. Remember, in last week’s episode, when she said all she wanted was for someone to take her and Charlotte on a walk? Well, ask and you shall receive!

So, they walk to a nearby lake, and this is when Thomas says something along the lines of, I know you have a lot at stake, but why not just give it a shot? And then we see what we didn’t see before – Landon admits she DOES have a good time when she’s with him, and at some point, she’s going to have to stop punishing him for Kathryn. And so, they agree and skip off to get a bottle of wine.

Later, Shep stops by Chelsea’s house unannounced, and he really seems to be having a puty party for himself. They have a few beers, and he’s audibly asking her, “What was I thinking, giving you up?” He’s realizing just how chill she is, and that he needs to change his lifestyle and maybe become a one-woman guy.

She’s not buying it, but he tells her he has an appointment with Cam in the morning to make an offer on a beach house. Apparently, his current downtown home is the cause of all the partying… right.

But, in the morning, he never shows for his appointment. He also doesn’t answer any of Cameron’s texts or calls, so she drives over to his house to find his front door unlocked, and his house a complete wreck (think: frathouse the day after a home football game). And there Shep is, fully dressed in khakis and a polo, still asleep at 1:30pm.

He says he’s okay, and that this is the reason he needs to move… but the whole scene is pretty grim. As Craig points out, Shep doesn’t have any accomplishments, no girlfriend… all he has is money.

Yeesshh. Next week looks like another serving of Naomi vs. Craig – not to mention a little bit of a blow up between Shep and Austen. Whoop!

‘Southern Charm’: Guess Who’s Coming to Lunch.

Had to use this picture with that awesome lamp in the corner!

Howdy! I hope everyone had a fantastic, fun holiday weekend – I sure did! I know I probably say this after every three-day weekend, but I truly believe that’s how long ALL weekends should be. It’s a much better balance, no?

Anyway, last night was another episode of “Southern Charm”, so let’s get into it!

The episode kicks off with various members of the cast making calls and plans – and even Craig gets an email saying he’s satisfied his writing requirement for law school… meaning, he graduated! What?!? He Skypes his parents and they are pretty stoked, of course.

But when Craig asks Naomi to dinner to tell her the news, she is pretty harsh on him, saying this was a bigger relief for her than it was for him. She admits she was starting to lose faith in him, and this helps to restore it. Yeeesh.

She asks him if he’s going to take the bar exam, and he says, yes, OBVIOUSLY. But the tone is suuuuper negative.

Later, Cameron and Chelsea meet up at Home Goods to do some shopping. Cameron tells Chelsea about the previous night, which was the Sari dinner party. In particular, she tells her about how Kathryn came up in the conversation. Chelsea tells Cameron about when Kathryn came in to get her hair cut, and she was nervous after all of the things she’d heard about her.

Shep calls Cameron to apologize about how he spoke to her at the Sari party, and invites her to join him for lunch with Kathryn and some of their other friends. Needless to say, Cameron is a little uneasy about this idea.

Then, Landon is getting ready to go out to dinner with Thomas, and she tells her friend she wants to talk to him about what everyone has been saying about the two of them: that they should get together. She also admits she knows if she “said yes” to him, she could have anything she wanted. #GoldDigger

At dinner, Landon continuously is making Thomas blush, and it’s a little cute!

Shep heads to a restaurant where he meets Craig and Kathryn for lunch, and they order drinks while they wait for Cameron. Cameron picks up Whitney and they head to the lunch – Cameron seems nervous. But as she walks up to the table with Whitney, Kathryn asks “What the fuck?”

Everyone compliments Kathryn on how she looks, and Cameron says she wants Kathryn to feel supported. Kathryn tells the group she wrote Thomas a letter, and is hoping to get to a place where she can co-parent with him.

Later, Austen and Craig head out for some golf. Austen tells Craig about how jealous Shep has been about him and Chelsea. Then, Shep shows up at Chelsea’s salon needing a haircut. He also kind of grills her about Austen. Shep is all about them hanging out and even asks her to have a glass of wine with him right THEN. She says no.

Landon is out with… some guy… and she’s having drinks because she found out she can’t name her online magazine Roam anymore, because it turns out, there’s several OTHER websites named that. What? She didn’t do her research and if she doesn’t change it, she’ll get sued. But she also starts getting upset over her age; the fact that her eggs are “drying up”; and she starts crying when she realizes she has never had a boyfriend who will walk the dog with her…in the last 12 YEARS.

Kathryn meets JD’s wife (I think) for coffee and cake, and she brings a letter from Thomas that basically says he would like it if they could be friends and invites her to the birthday party for their son. Will she go? We will sseeeeee – because the episode is over!

Also, I did a little catching up on “Southern Charm Savannah”… and it is GOOD stuff. Last night was the fourth episode, and although it’s different than the original “Southern Charm”, it’s very entertaining.