‘Siesta Key’: ‘Romeo and Juliette’.

The premier of MTV’s “Siesta Key”.

In anticipation of what MTV is calling “Laguna Beach 2.0”, the network aired old episodes of “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills” all weekend and I was in heaven! They were also promoting the shit out of “Siesta Key”, and it worked – I was real pumped to see this episode.

That is until I saw the “Siesta Key” watch party had been cancelled after public outrage due to one of the cast members being involved in a “shark dragging” incident that killed a shark. Umm, what? Here’s the report from the Herald Tribune:

Reaction to the show from local residents led to the creation of a “Boycott Siesta Key MTV” Facebook page that pointed to an apparent connection between cast members and a man who allegedly dragged a shark to death behind his boat.

Well that’s just great. Here’s another little nugget of information for you (also from the Herald Tribune):

The show’s main cast member is Alex Kompothecras, son of Gary Kompothecras, the chiropractor best-known in these parts for founding the 1-800-ASK-GARY legal and medical referral service. “Siesta Key” originated from a pilot financed by Kompothecras.

So, that’s why we’ve seen all the previews of Alex’s family home, which is huge and covered in enough gold to rival President Trump. After doing a little more digging, it appears there was the video of the shark dragging, along with some pictures on social media of men (covered in blood) that are allegedly friends with some of the “Siesta Key” cast. The video and photos are currently under investigation.

The premier episode still rolls on and I’m still reviewing it as planned. Obviously, I do not condone killing innocent animals, especially in a way of suffering. Hopefully, the investigation will result in those men being punished appropriately (i.e. being dragged behind a boat).

Anyway, the show must go on!

The episode starts by introducing every cast mate: Alex – the “king of the crew” – who I’m guessing is also going to be a shithead. He’s dating Juliette. Chloe is the bitch. And SHE has a crush on Brandon. Kelsey is the new girl in town, and is dating Garrett – who isn’t a part of THE CLIQUE.

Aparently Alex cheated on Juliette last summer with Madison – his ex. Lordy.

What continues is some slo-mo cheesy shit.

Alex and Juliette are on a date… and he’s an idiot. He’s about to turn 22, has graduated, so this is his self-proclaimed “big one”.

And Juliette wore stilettos to the boardwalk, so she’s one of those chicks. Ugh.

Madison flies into town, and everyone is warning him that she thinks it will be back to business as usual.

The ladiessss are all gathered somewhere, and they’re all O M G Juliette went on a date with Juliette. These chicks are basic AF and it’s on an entirely new level.

Madison shows up at Alex’s and he greets her with a bottle of Veuve and 2 flutes. They sit on the beach and catch up… and Alex is all, “I heard everything’s bigger in Texas.”

She asks him if he has a girlfriend and he’s all, “Nope” – even after he JUST told Juliette he was cool being with just her.

Kelsey and Chloe “work” at a bar – it’s pretend work – we all knew “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills” were scripted and MTV is not even playing with this one. It’s fake as hell. Kelsey says she met her boyfriend Garrett on Tinder, which I’m sure is also a lie.

We can also just get this out of the way: Alex is ugly. Like come ON MTV, you gave us Stephen Coletti, can you give us a better lead character than Alex the freaking Ogre?

Alex and Brandon come to the bar, and Alex is all eyeing Kelsey up and down. He invites her to his birthday party and ta-da, she’s free. Because why would a bartender be free on a Saturday?

Everyone is just SEW excited for Alex’s birthday party, because WHAT girl is he going to choose to be all over him?

Later, Kelsey is getting ready for the party, and she’s talking about her and Garrett like they’ve been together for two YEARS instead of two weeks. Weird.

But then she walks into that fucking party like a BOSS BITCH and everyone stares because there’s finally someone hot with a personality.

This makes Juliette super nervous and she drunkenly bites Alex’s face and is all OMG ITS SOOOO NICE TO MEET YOU. I’m over her already.

Juliette appraoches Madison and it’s like so much teeth in one scene… “Would you like, let me know if he hits on you, that’d be like, cool.”

Thx.

Later, Alex literally tosses Juliette over his shoulder and heads to the bedroom. And Madison runs and cries on the beach like a punk ass.

At the end of the episode, it shows pictures of Chloe with her face bashed in and bloody, so we’ll get that conclusion next week.

Honestly, this is a failure. This show is pretty bad, and it’s definitely NOT even close to “Laguna Beach” or “The Hills”. Watching Twitter during it was my only saving grace…

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Posted on August 1, 2017, in Light Pulp and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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