Blog Archives
Detox Your Dating: Day 5.
Oh man, Day 5 is a toughie!
SRSLY, everyone is just freaking out about this solar eclipse – is it really that big of a deal? My office doesn’t even have windows, so I’m 100% sure I will not notice when Texas gets 65% coverage. Le sigh.
Anyway, onto Day 5, and this one is a tough one for me.
Day 5 Challenge: Time to go Shopping for a High-Quality Man!
Denise is instructing us detoxers to think about the last two serious relationships we’ve had (oh, boy). She asks, what were the initial traits and qualities each man had that attracted you?
We’ll start with my most recent serious relationship (deep breath in)…
We met at a high-brow dinner party, and our first date was a private dinner prepared just for us by the chef. I really liked that he was a man who appreciated fine dining, interesting food, good wine, and was willing to splurge for our date.
On our first date, I felt like we had a lot to talk about, and he was funny and made me laugh.
The relationship before that… we met at work and I really was attracted to his drive, focus on work, and I felt like he was a family man – I always got lost imagining us as a big family.
…God, this is just embarrassing.
Now, Denise says, write why the relationship ended. What traits or things about his character led to the breakup?
Guy 1: We broke up as a result of his alcoholism. Turns out, his love for good wine was also a love for alchohol, period. He was arrested for drinking and driving multiple times and got into an accident while under the influence. Our relationship changed big time when I picked him up from jail. He was a really great liar, and was cheating on me for the entirety of our relationship.
Guy 2: We broke up after he moved out of town for work. He was obsessed with work – and worked multiple jobs. He was cheating on me, and was quickly married after we broke up. I have talked to him briefly since then, and when I asked him about his family (he has a wife and two kids), he simply said he was married to his job.
…So basically the things that attracted me to these men were the same things that made it end.
Do these men share anything in common, in retrospect?
They were both unavailable to me for different reasons (minus the cheating).
Homework: Name 1 example of a trait you must have and an example of an action your date will do that will demonstrate the trait you’re looking for.
…This is a problem. Honestly, I’ve had such issues in dating that I don’t even know what I want or what to look for. I want to say I need honesty in a man, but I don’t know what he could do to demonstrate that trait. I suppose, given my past, I need a man that is willing to make time for a woman (like me) in his life. So, he would need to tell me about his life, how he spends his time, and what he’s looking for in a partner. That sounds heavy, yes? He could make a sincere effort to make plans with me in advance.
š¦
Ghosts of Exes’ Past.
Ew. Running into an ex…
Every time I leave my apartment wearing sweats and/or my #CatLady hat, Iām aware of the risks. By risks, I obviously mean the increased chance that Iāll either A. run into a hot guy, or B. see an ex boyfriend.
Becauseā¦ life.
Last week, a coworker and I were chatting about various exes we had. She asked me about my very first love and if Iād seen him since we broke up.
We broke up 10 years ago, and Iām lucky enough that he lives in Chicago and is married with a child.
The chances of me running into him ā or anyone that knows him ā are slim to none. Thank God.
My coworker wasnāt as lucky, and said she ran into her ex/first love at a bar shortly after they broke up.
If it were me, I probably wouldāve bolted, but sheās way cooler and more brave, so she stuck it out and just avoided him the whole night.
Itās been a solid while since Iāve bumped into an ex (knock on wood); the last time was about a year ago at the Albertsonās on College Drive. I was buying frozen dinners and cat food, of course.
He was walking into the store as I was leaving. My heart jumped, but I put my head down and kept walking. And that was that.
When I was actually dating that guy though, I had a bad run-in with an ex.
I was so into this new guy and I really wanted my friends to meet him. So we all agreed to have drinks at Ruffinoās.
On the drive there, we passed a car on fire ā isnāt that a bad omen?
When we got to Ruffinoās, my ex was at the bar. I hadnāt seen him in years; basically since we broke up.
I kept it cool and walked right past him, even though he waved and attempted to flag me down.
But later, he came over to the group and asked to āpleaseā talk to me.
I let him talk, but when the conversation didnāt appear to be moving in the direction I felt I deserved (i.e. an apology), I cut it short and told him I had to get back to my boyfriend and friends.
I found out months later that he was actually engaged and conveniently failed to mention it to me.
Of course, I know that it really shouldnāt matter what you look like, how youāre dressed, or what you say when you run into an ex. The relationship is over, and probably for good reason, so what does it matter?
Itās just that satisfaction of knowing you looked good or you were feeling great when someone that hurt you randomly sees you. Itās the coveted slap in the face.
Now, there is a difference between randomly running into your ex and hanging out at their favorite places in hopes of seeing them. That is just crazy.
As cheesy as it sounds, I really do think that things happen for some sort of reason, even if it doesnāt make much sense at the time.
My fear of running into an ex doesnāt keep me indoors, and it certainly doesnāt keep me from my public displays of loungewear and dry shampoo.
Perhaps itās more about how you react to things that happen. Do you flip out, scream, and overreact or go for the easy-breezy approach?
Me? Iām more of a dance-party in the car type-a-gal. Keep it movinā.
Celeb crush: Nick Jonas.
Well, helloooo!
Good morning! If you’re in need of a “Hot Guy” does, I’m your gal. If you’re new to the blog, welcome. The Bitter Lemon has been providing pictures of hot dudes for those in need since 2010.
My latest celeb crush is Nick Jonas. Truth be told, I never aid a bit of attention to this guy (I think Joe was originally my favorite Jonas Brother… he’s the one with the long hair??), until pictures from this photo shoot surfaced.
Can I just say…. DAMN THAT BOY IS FWINE.
Nick started his solo career in the last year, after the Jonas Brothers split in 2012. He’s since release two singles, “Jealous” and “Chains”… which get stuck in my head very easily.
He’s remained in the positive spotlight, for the most part, but check out this little ditty I found on Wiki:
Singer and actress Miley Cyrus has stated that she dated Jonas from June 2006 to December 2007. Cyrus claimed they were “in love” and began dating soon after they first met.Ā The song “Wedding Bells” by the Jonas Brothers was written by Nick. It was rumored that the song was based on his past relationship with Cyrus who, at the time of the song’s release, was engaged to Liam Hemsworth.
Umm, what?
He’s currently dating Miss Universe Olivia Culpo, and they seem to be completely in love. Aww.
Meanwhile, I’m obsessed with this song:
About that spark…
‘Cause baby you’re a firework…
I’ve been on OK Cupid for almost a year. It’s not my favorite way to meet a potential boyfriend, but I just look at it as having another stick in the fire.
A few weeks ago, I met up with guy no. four from Ok Cupid. We messaged for a few weeks before meeting face-to-face, but the messages were short. He said he really liked to just get to it and meet the person before getting into any serious conversations via online messaging.
I really appreciated that ā no sense in wasting time.
So, we met at Nino’s, where he had a reservation.
He was definitely the same person in his picture (always a plus), and we had a really nice dinner. Over wine, salad, and seafood, we talked for hours.
On paper, it was a pretty perfect date. He was polite, the food was great, the atmosphere was a little romantic, we had plenty to talk about, and we laughed a lot.
But I didn’t get that feeling. I wasn’t sitting there wishing he’d kiss me at the end of the night.
This isn’t the first time this has happened to me, and I’ve noticed it’s a pattern when it comes to the men I meet online.
When you message someone online, it’s impossible to tell if there’s going to be a physical spark once you actually meet in person.
The thing is, I was really disappointed when I didn’t feel that spark! As we were eating, I was thinking to myself, “Holly, this is the type of guy you should be dating.”
He’s smart, in shape, has a good job, goals, and he seemed to have good, genuine intentions.
I think some of my friends mistook the lack of spark for superficiality, which isn’t true. But while physical attraction isn’t everything in a relationship, it is a part of it.
And, I’m well-aware that I’ve dated men who are in no way conventionally hot, but I’ve found them to be very hot and the sparks flew.
Iām not superficial, but if you think sexual chemistry, or that physical connection isn’t vital to a relationship, you’re denying our nature as humans. We were created to have sex. Period.
At the end of the day, I want to be dating someone that I just cannot wait to make out with. Is that horrible? Yes, Iām hoping to connect with someone intellectually, but it has to be there, physically.
āDonāt you hate it when that happens?ā My gym buddy could relate to me.
Yes, I hate it so much I almost feel guilty for feeling this way.
Truthfully, I’ve yet to feel a spark with anyone I’ve met online. There are times when I wonder if something is wrong with me. But instead of dwelling on it, I always tell myself that perhaps the person just deserves another chance.
A spark can grow over time, right?
I usually go on a second date with the person (if they ask, of course) to see if there’s something there or not.
After the dinner at Nino’s, we hugged goodbye, and when he got home, he sent me a text saying he had a good time.
I never heard from him after that, and I wonder if he felt the same way I did. It was a great date by the looks of it, but maybe missing that vital part of what makes a relationship exciting.
And it’s okay if he didn’t feel it, either. Because everyone deserves that feeling; that spark of something new and promising.
Pic of the Week.
Roooooooad trip!
I spent a decent amount of my weekend driving to and from Indiana. I got up Friday morning around 3am and drove the 12 hours to Bloomington, spent Saturday attending baby showers, treated myself to a day of Sunday drinking, and hit the road Monday morning at 4:30 to make it back to Baton Rouge.
It’s been YEARS since I’ve made the drive from Louisiana to Indiana, and I always get a similar feeling when I do it ā I’m excited for it when I hit the road, and then about 10 miles into the trip, I realize it’s a long road ahead. Literally.
The cool thing about road trips, though, is that they have this weird ability to temporarily free you from your problems, as you’re driving away from them. It gave me a chance to listen to a ton of music, catch up on old episodes of Johnjay & Rich, and I even listened to a few chapters of an audio book (“How to be Single” by Liz Tuccillo).
Although it was an exhausting drive, it’s a little thrilling to know that if I ever wanted to, I could totally get to Indy in 12 hours and spend a weekend with my friends.
It probably comes as no surprise that I don’t visit Indiana that often. Usually once a year, maybe twice if I’m up for it. And even though I haven’t officially lived there in 10 years, Indiana has this incredible way of delivering life lessons to me ā sometimes in the form of a beautifully painted sunset.
It seems like every time I go back to the Midwest, the people I once knew so well have changed. Some for the better, some for the worse, and it always lends a little perspective.
On Sunday, I joined my best friend for brunch before we packed a picnic and ventured to the Indianapolis Museum of Art’s 100 Acre Park to see “Funky Bones” ā an outdoor art installation featured in “The Fault in Our Stars.”
It was the simplest day: Bloody Marys, a picnic in a park, a dog, a few pieces of art, and a beautiful sky. It’s the best reminder of why we’re here. These are the moments to live for.
It’s not often (at all) that I get a day off from working; lately I can’t even seem to get five consecutive sleep each night. But I was also reminded of why I work ā so I can afford to appreciate the road trips, the days off, and the bottles of wine (heh).
Growing up sure is tough at times, but we’re all doing it, right? Perhaps not willingly, but I think of growing pains are starting to fade.
Becoming Strangers.
Hey girl, I never want to talk to you… EVER.
Iāve had a crush on this guy, Brian, for more than10 years. He went to my high school, and last year we reconnected.
He lives in Indiana, and we had a date night when I was in town last summer. It was fantastic. Iād be lying if I said I didnāt wonder about the potential of a serious relationship with him.
After our date, we continued to keep in touch. I sent him cards in the mail, we read a book together (and called it āBook Clubā), and made plans to meet up again in May.
Around Valentineās Day, he confessed he wished we were able to celebrate together. Uncharacteristically, he apologized and told me he knew he hadnāt been the nicest person to me, and he appreciated my company.
He even told me that he checked his phone every day to see if Iād texted him. It was very sweet and I was touched.
I asked him if heād be interested in having a āFaceTime date,ā so we could see each other. He said yes.
The day of our date, he said a work friend had come in town and wanted to do dinner. I said we could reschedule. He asked if I was mad, and I said, āOf course not.ā
His friend was a guy, but I told him if heād have ditched me for a girl I might have been a little jealous.
Brian didnāt reply, but I didnāt think much about it.
The next day, about an hour before our FaceTime date, Brian sent me a text saying he didnāt want to talk to me, ever.
āYour text freaked me out,ā he said. āWe arenāt even dating and yet I will date other women.ā
Huh?
I tried to explain that I was just playing; I never thought or said we were dating; and we were both certainly allowed to date anyone.
But my text went ignored. I had done something so terrible, it didnāt even deserve a response.
Honestly, I get rejected all the time. The time I spend fretting over it is relative to how much I cared.
This time, I crawled into bed when the sun was still out, and I cried.
In the midst of my blubbering, I started to wonder, why are we so quick to cut people out of our lives?
Sure, I pissed Brian off. But was it something bad enough to warrant The Ice Age treatment?
I donāt know why he told me all that sweet stuff and then closed the door on me, only weeks later.
It seems like he was trying to tell me he was dating someone else, but why not just say that?
Because of the way he left things, Iāve got no closure, and only speculation.
A few weeks ago, I went to the midnight premier of the latest Nicholas Sparksā movie, āThe Longest Ride,ā and one of the main characters said something to the effect of, how sometimes the people we are closest to can become absolute strangers.
Iāve dated a lot of people that have just fallen off the face of the Earth. And I understand thatās the risk when we get close to people. But it makes me sad.
As I get older, I realize just how little time we have. The days and weeks are flying by and we canāt find it in our hearts to give someone a second chance?
Note: this idea does not apply to any situation that includes abuse, addiction, or infidelity.
I doubt Iāll hear from Brian again, and my closure will just have to be the confirmation that heās not the one. I need someone whoās willing to forgive.
Introducing the friends.
Couples’ night!
Alright, I’m going to admit that I’m really bad about this whole “Introducing the significant other to your friends” thing.
In the past, I get really excited when I meet a new guy and we start hanging out (who doesn’t?), and I want him to meet my friends, whom I love so much. I don’t mean for it to be a serious thing, although it is a good idea to see if he fits in with the crowd.
What ends up happening is that it doesn’t work out with the guy, we stop talking, and my friends (or I) never see him again. And I’m left feeling like a big jackass because I just introduced a guy to my friends who ultimately was a blip on my life’s radar.
My friends have assured me that I shouldn’t feel like a jackass ā they’ve been single, too, and they know how it goes. I still feel stupid.
In my recent dating adventures, I told myself that I wasn’t going to introduce a guy I’m seeing/talking to anyone, until things are serious ā as in, we’re exclusive, and in order for THAT to happen, we have to have been talking for at least three months.
I know, rules. But if I don’t crack the whip, I’m just going to stay single forever, right? I still might š
Anyway, I did a little Google searching to see what the interwebs had to say about the matter, and I found a few things.
For starters, YourTango.com suggests that meeting the friends too early can actually put pressure on your FRIENDS, because they feel like they’re pressured to make relationship decisions for you. I’m not sure if this is true, but… they do suggest waiting to introduce a guy until you’ve been on at least three dates (duh) and to keep it casual for the first meeting.
I found some decent advice on April Beyer’s website, which suggested asking yourself WHY you’re introducing your girl/guy to your friends ā approval? Locking in the idea that you’re a couple? April suggests waiting until it feels natural, which sounds like a solid idea.
It’s safe to say it’ll be awhile before I introduce a guy to my friends, if I’m ever that lucky. But when I do, I’ll make sure I’m doing it for the right reasons.
Single Girl Recipe: Eggs.
Cute colored eggs!
I know everyone’s got different opinions about eggs; and the health benefits of them are always in question. Is it the good cholesterol or not? What about the fat content?
Well, I’m of the school of thought that eggs are a great source of protein (did you know one egg has 12g of protein and just 1 carb?!) and they are inexpensive. Sounds like a perfect combo to me!
YUM.
I go on kicks where I love eggs in various forms, and sometimes I’m just not feeling them. But lately, I’ve been seeing these beautiful pictures of soft boiled eggs on Instagram (I’m talking to you, Crunchy Radish, and BarbellsNBeauties) and they look delicious!
So, I had to figure out how to make the perfect soft boiled egg. Enter: Google. I found several different sets of instructions, and really, it all depends on how “soft” you actually want your egg. I wanted a hard egg white, and a soft yolk.
Usually, when I hard boil an egg, I put it in the pot, cover with cold water, and turn the burner on high. I let the water reach a boil, then turn off the heat and let the egg sit in the water until it reaches room temperature.
For my soft boiled eggs, I put a pot of water on the stove and let it reach a simmer (small bubbles). Then, I put my eggs in, and left them in for 6-ish minutes. I got them out of the water, and let them cool so I could peel them.
It was my first try, but they were nearly perfect! It was a little softer than I wanted, but I peeled them, and put them in my dish (red quinoa and mushrooms) and popped it all in the microwave for 30 seconds and that did the trick!
While a soft boiled egg is a great addition to a salad, you can devour it with just about anything. Below are some recipes that include this new favorite of mine:
- Avocado toast with soft boiled eggs
- Savory oatmeal
- Summer vegetable Hiyashi Chuka
- Soft boiled eggs and grilled cheese soldiers
What are some of your favorite ways to eat eggs?
Exes: Married With Children.
When your ex straight up moves on… with a wife and a kid.
Sometime last week, I wandered over to my ex-boyfriendās Facebook page. Itās something I do when Iām feeling rather low about myself, even though looking at his page usually makes me feel worse. Call me a masochist.
Right away, I saw what I figured would be there: his profile picture was a tiny baby. His baby.
Because that is what people do; they get married, and within two years of being married, they have a kid.
When I found out my ex was getting married two years ago, I also found out via Facebook. I was stunned, to say the least, because weād just broken up a year before.
It was a shitty way to confirm he was cheating on me for the greater part of our four-year relationship.
When I confronted him about it, he lied of course, saying their relationship just moved very quickly.
Finding out an ex is getting married is different for everyone; the reaction is probably relevant to how things ended.
Almost all of my exes are married, and as pathetic as it sounds, my heart broke a little when I found out about each one getting engaged.
I donāt believe any of my exes were āmeantā for me, I think itās more of admitting to myself that they found some sort of happiness with another person that Iāve yet to discover.
But Iād be lying if I said I wasnāt terrified that maybe Iāll never find that level of love, commitment, and happiness with someone.
This particular ex isnāt the only one of my exes to have a child. I think the nature of our relationship is what makes it sting a little, even years later.
We met in college; we were both bartenders at a place under the overpass. Our relationship was fun-loving from the start. It didnāt take long for me to sleep with him, and because of that, I fell for him very quickly.
Although he told me he loved me, his actions showed me that we werenāt on the same level. I loved him more than Iād ever felt for anyone else. And thatās still true today. Enter: the bitterness.
He always told me marriage wasnāt āfor him,ā and he never talked about wanting children. Those are things I wanted, and to see him married, with a childā¦ it feels like everyone around me has moved on and up, while Iām still here. And still single.
As a singleton, I constantly have to remind myself that just because someone is married, doesnāt mean theyāre in a perfect relationship. And just because Iām single, doesnāt mean Iāll never find someone.
Perhaps seeing an ex move on is just a refreshing sign that people can change. Or maybe it just proves that he/she is great at living one giant lie after the next. Now, who wants to hit up happy hour?
Survival Guide: Road trip!
Wahoo! The open road!
In just a few weeks, I’m heading on a road trip! It’s been years since I’ve hit the open road for a trip that lasted longer than 4 hours, but I can easily say that I’m looking forward to it.
About a year ago, I took a 19-hour train ride (read about it here), which was fantastic (though I did sleep for quite awhile), but I know my road trip will give me some mental clarity ā time for me and some music. After all, the first half of my trip involves just me.
So, how do you accomplish a road trip of a lifetime? Don’t worry, I’ve got some tips for you!
- Plan (a little). You don’t want to hit the road with no plan at all ā trust me, running out of gas mid-Mississippi isn’t the type of adventure you’re after. Have an idea of where you’re going and places to stop, whether it’s an interesting food stop or for a place to sleep. Don’t over-plan to the point of it being rigid and stressful, a road trip is supposed to be freeing!
- Pack the snacks. Nothing beats truck stop snacks, but if you’re anything like me, you’ll want to pack a cooler of drinks (I like to pack energy drinks and La Croix) and snacks (nuts, chocolate, fruit, cheese. Oh hell, pack a meat plate, too). Packing snacks and drinks means stopping less, and the ability to eat as you please instead of getting stuck in a drive-thru.
- Get entertainment. Because the first 15 hours of my trip, it’ll just be me (which I’ve done before), I’ll definitely be packing some great music (Sam Smith, John Mayer, Marc Broussard, among others) and possibly an audio book. I also have Sirius radio in my car (I could live off 90s on 9).
- To sleep or not to sleep? If you’re with a group, you can sleep in shifts (unless you’re all awake at once) and keep the car on the road. If not, you might have to break the trip up and plan to stop to sleep ā don’t drive when you’re tired.
- The return. Heading home is typically less-exciting, so make the trip back something to look forward to. Maybe you plan a different route back, or stop at different places, catch a sunrise, listen to new music. Make the entire trip an adventure that’ll be worth your while!
When I was in college, I took a few road trips from Louisiana to Indiana all on my own. The first time I did it, I was so excited. Well, until I realized that driving up the entire state of Mississippi is quite a task. But, I listened to music, saw a sunset, and it was mentally refreshing. I’m looking forward to taking a very similar trip in two weeks. If you’ve got music or audio book recommendations, I’d love to hear them. And as always, follow me on social media @OrangeJulius7 to catch all the roadie pics!
Just remember on the way home,Ā
That you were never meant to feel alone.
It takes a little while, but you’d be fine:
Another good time coming down the line.āJohn Mayer, On The Way Home
Fresh Friday: Bright Crystal.
I’m kind of in love with this ad.
Whew, made it to Friday! I feel like every week is a complete roller coaster ā it starts one way, and ends up completely different.
On Mondays, I always feel so overwhelmed when I look at my to-do list for the week. I often wake up SUPER early on Mondays and stay up late to get a jump start on the week. By Tuesday, I’m thinking the week will be a complete breeze after everything I accomplished Monday.
And the remainder of the week is spent tying up loose ends… and basically answering a TON of emails. By Friday, I’m just happy to see the weekend; which is something I don’t understand because I’m usually working more on the weekends than I am during the week!
Nonetheless, it is Friday, and I cannot believe I’ve made it through this many Fresh Fridays without mentioning Versace’s Bright Crystal. This is a scent I’ve worn over the years ā one that I was surprised I liked so much! But it’s definitely a go-to.
As described by Sephora, “Inspired by a mixture of Donatella Versace’s favorite floral fragrances, Bright Crystal is a fresh, sensual blend of refreshing chilled yuzu and pomegranate mingled with soothing blossoms of peony, magnolia, and lotus flower, warmed with notes of musk and amber.”
No wonder I love it ā it’s got musk AND floral notes! Perfection.
What’s everyone doing for the weekend? As usual, follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and SnapChat @OrangeJulius7 to see what me (and Blanche) can stir up until we see you right back here, on Monday!
7/50 Shades: Girl Next Door.
Second product on the right, folks.
Although shade no. 7 is a gloss ā I just cannot pull myself away. I blame this completely on Bonne Bell, for getting me addicted to shiny, glitter glosses delivered to my lips via sponge applicator.
Girl Next Door by Hard Candy is sheer, with a touch of silvery shimmer. It doesn’t have a scent or a flavor, really, but it is a tiny bit sweet. Mega plus? It’s thick, stays on for awhile, and it’s a lip plumper.
I can never REALLY tell if these things work, but I love the idea of it, regardless. But it did get me wondering how they work? I went to Google for the answer, and there was WebMD to my rescue.
According to WebMD, some over-the-counter lip plumping products contain ingredients that cause blood to flow to the lips, such as cinnamon, ginger mint, or wintergreen. When blood flows to the lips, they appear slightly larger than normal, or “bee stung” for a few hours.
Hey, that sounds pretty good to me!
I like to use Girl Next Door as a “top coat” to some of the other pink lipsticks I’ve mentioned before. It shines up a lipstick, plus adds the plump. Best of both worlds!
Dating on Instagram.
Glimpse, the dating app for Instagram.
I recently got an iPhone, after being a Blackberry user for years (itās about time, right?). Since making the switch, Iām really trying to embrace the world of apps, especially dating apps.
Iāve already tried Tinder, and within three minutes I managed to play with fire and get burned. I saw my crushās picture, and made a complete fool out of myself when he told me he was seeing someone.
Although, I still havenāt figured out why he was on Tinder to begin with. Anyway, I deleted the app and have banished Tinder from my life.
I did, however, download a new app called Glimpse that works with users who want to date through Instagram. Glimpse claims to be the opposite of Tinder, because āSwiping is basic, anyway.ā It pairs users based on pictures and common interests, not on looks alone.
What I love so far about Glimpse is its vast array of users from around the world. Itās so easy to chat with men in other countries; places Iāve never even thought of. Plus, there are some really gorgeous pictures.
A few days after downloading Glimpse, I clicked that I liked a profile of a user named James. He appeared to be creative, and had a picture of himself playing guitar (love).
We got to chatting and clicked right away. He lives in North Carolina, and we messaged about life in the South, our work, and common interests.
After about a day, James was getting really flirty, which was cute, but I was cautious. He was quick to mention us meeting, so far as to discuss travel details.
āLetās meet in Kansas City for a weekend and drink beer,ā he said. āAnd eat BBQ. Iāll gladly pay for the room. And the rental car.ā
Holy shit.
Iāve met up with people Iāve met online before, but it was a simple trip to the local coffee shop, during the day, with people around.
Iām open to meeting people, but Iām also not an idiot trying to get murdered.
I was short on answers, hoping James would get the hint. But the next day, he brought it up again, mentioning his high-end video equipment to āhelp meā with my vlogs.
Oh, hell no. It was time to set this creeper straight.
āIām not really trying to get axed,ā I told him, mentioning how creepy he sounded.
He apologized, and said he didnāt mean for it to come across that way. But then said heād fly to Baton Rouge and meet me at a coffee shop if it made me feel more comfortable.
Hmmm, not really. Once a creeper, always a creeper ā it seems to be the truth.
After that, there wasnāt much else to say. Iāll never really know what his intentions were, but thereās no way I was going to find out the hard way.
Iām still on Glimpse, but I havenāt gotten involved in many conversations since then.
Iām still not against online dating, or dating apps, as I think itās good to put yourself out there in several ways. In any case, dating is difficult work.
Perhaps finding the perfect dating app is just as difficult as finding the perfect date. #ItsComplicated
Me & my bullshit, part two.
Drop the mic, bitch.
Read part one of “Me & my bullshit.”Ā
I find a tiny bit (okay, a medium bit) of comfort in recognizing the fact that the road many writers, amateur and professional, travel is one that’s alone.
The craft of writing is introspective ā even fiction writers often say their stories come from some place real ā and looking within isn’t something that happens at a conference table or in a room full of cubicles.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what success means to me ā not in terms of money, but in terms of what every day is like for me. I’m still working to get where I want to be.
While Ryan’s words really, really hurt me, I know that I cannot change who I am to please him, or anyone. I have always promised myself and my readers that I will remain honest, even if that means I’m not the most popular person.
I also know that there’s a big, big difference between someone like me who works every single day, chasing my dreams, and someone who sits at a job, letting the days pass them by. Complacency is not for me.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about successful people, and I’ve noticed that many of those people, who are SO successful in business, are also misunderstood in many other aspects of their life. Perhaps that’s just how it goes.
Take Steve Jobs for example. Chances are you’re reading this from a device that he invented. I’m writing it on one. And I’ll Tweet about it on another one later today. In his biography by Walter Isaacson (a genius writer that I’ve been lucky enough to interview), there are many mentions of how Jobs went against the grain in nearly all areas of his life ā even in unflattering ways.
At the root of the reality distortion was Jobs’s belief that the rules didn’t apply to him. He had some evidence for this; in his childhood, he had often been able to bend reality to his desires. Rebelliousness and willfulness were ingrained in his character. He had the sense that he was special, a chosen one, an enlightened one.
ā Walter Isaacson, “Steve Jobs” [119]
There are other successful creatives I can relate to ā Amy Winehouse and her broken heart (and the ability to turn that into beautiful music), John Green in his writing processes, and of course, my love, John Mayer, in his ways of being so, so introspective and insecure, that it gets him in trouble socially.
And while I know (haters, this is for you) I’m not nearly as genius as those people, I do know that I’m not a dumb ass. I’m not the girl who lost her job. I’m not someone wishing to be a writer.Ā I’m someone just trying (and often succeeding) to make it. And by it, I mean my dreams a reality.
My past is littered with guys like Ryan. Guys who tell me how great I am, and then disappear for no valid reason. One of the biggest questions I had when Ryan sent me his douchey text was this: Why are we so quick to cut people off?
It’s that easy, especially hiding behind a fucking phone screen, to write someone a message and cut them out of your life forever, because you don’t feel like dealing with a human. Another question I had? If my behavior was so scary, why didn’t he ask me if I was okay?
And that’s the difference between being selfless and selfish, my friends.
I know I won’t stop writing ā let’s be honest here, there’s nothing else I’m really cut out for. And I know it’s not going to be easy. But when the road gets tough, and the guys continue to be assholes, I’ll probably just write more of these posts about my “bullshit.”
You know the greatest thing about that guy at the gym who thinks my column is bullshit?
He read it.
If you’re nice to me I’ll never write anything bad about you.Ā
āAmy Winehouse
Me & my bullshit, part one.
This is about how many fucks I give.
“You’re the girl from the magazine, right?” he asked.
It was a guy I recognized from my gym. I shrugged.
“I guess…” I said, not really sure what he meant.
“Yeah, you write that bullshit column,” he said.
That bullshit column. Three little words that pretty much sum up my insecurities ā especially lately. Let me start from the beginning.
A few weeks ago, I got the bright idea to Tweet my first book, “How I Fell: Love, Lies & Cocktails,” 140 characters at a time. I have seen other writers do it, and I have quite a few Twitter followers, so I thought it would be a great way to shake things up, get some marketing out there for my book, possibly sell a few copies, and get some more followers.
What I didn’t realize, is that it took a REALLY long time to Tweet the book ā like, three whole days. During those three days, I barely got any sleep, I was living off takeout and alcohol, and the worst part of it? I was having to read (and type) a relationship that was terrible. I did not take into account just how emotional reading that stuff from two years ago would be. It was bad.
That same week, I’d set aside some time to have a “Facetime date” with my high school crush (you can read our full story here)… his name rhymes with Ryan Wence. The day of our “date,” he sent me a text saying a work friend was in town and he (the friend) wanted to go to dinner. Ryan apologized, saying he didn’t realize how long his friend was planning on being in town when he scheduled our date, and he hoped I wasn’t mad.
I told him of course I wasn’t mad at all, and I hoped he had fun at dinner. Ryan asked if we could reschedule for the following day. In my emotional book-Tweeting state, I wrote him back saying yes, we could reschedule, and said I admittedly misread his first text, and thought for a split second the friend was a girl and I almost got jealous (smiley-wink). I didn’t think anything of it when he didn’t respond.
Let me tell you a little bit about my relationship with Ryan. We hooked up almost a year ago when I went on a visit to Indiana. Since then, I admitted to him that I liked him, a lot, and he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, having just got out of something serious. I understood and appreciated his honesty. We kept in touch via text mostly, sometimes we talked on the phone.
I really appreciated his friendship ā we have a lot of things in common, and he was kind to me, and supportive when I needed it. For Valentine’s Day, I sent him a homemade card in the mail. He told me he had it on display in his living room, and he wished he could be with me for the holiday.
He later told me he knew he hadn’t been the nicest person to me, and he appreciated our friendship more than he could even admit. “I check my phone every day to see if you’ve texted me,” he said.
I’ve got plans to be in Indiana this May, so we made plans to meet up. This is when I suggested the Facetime date. The following day, I texted Ryan to see what time he wanted to talk. He replied:
“I don’t think we should talk. Your text last night scared me. We aren’t even dating yet I will date other women. Your Tweets last night were scary. Your behavior is scaring me.”
HUH?
My book Tweets were scaring him? This was a guy that’s read my blog, column, and one of my books! What the hell was he talking about? And I was totally trying to be playful about the jealousy thing… I never said we were dating, or said he couldn’t date other women ā but thanks for finding the shittiest way possible to tell me you’re not interested in me whatsoever.
But my attempts at explaining myself went into that black hole where apparently ALL of my bullshit goes; that place where guys put all of my messages and ghost me forever. I haven’t heard from him since.
I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling like I don’t fit in ā it’s really just been a matter of how much I care or not. As an adult, I’m starting to realize and accept more and more that no, I don’t fit in, and it’s probably not going to change any time soon (or ever).
I am a creative. I think differently than a lot of people. I also work for myself (as a result of my creativity), which means I don’t work “normal” hours, I don’t make money in the conventional way, and my work processes are very different. Me Tweeting a book was simply something I was trying to do to shake things up, keep me on the edge of creativity, essentially make a few sales, and now I was being shamed for it. Awesome.
I started to wonder just how much more of this I can take. In the last few months, I’ve been rejected quite a few times ā am I really that terrible a person? When a recent crush I had rejected me by telling me he was seeing someone (which I think he wasn’t), I posted on Facebook that I’d be hiding under my couch for a few days and that I felt ugly. Someone commented saying I needed to stop calling myself ugly.
Sure, I get that. And thank you. But just because I’m not a troll, doesn’t mean I wake up every morning feeling beautiful. Trust me, when people tell you that everything you write is bullshit, and that you don’t even deserve a chance at a date, or that your behavior is scary, it’s really easy to feel ugly every once in awhile.
Read “Me & my bullshit, part two” right here, Monday, April 6.Ā
