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Happy birthday, John Mayer!

Hellooooo!

Today is my favorite person’s 40th birthday: John Mayer! I know this date by heart, and in the past, I’ve baked cakes, worn Mayer merch, or simply blasted some of my favorite songs in celebration of the day.

Last night, Mayer took to Instagram Live to share with fans that he was on a plane with eight of his friends (including Andy Cohen) headed to Brazil, and he was wearing a completely silly outfit, eating freshly-made udon right out of the carton.

He said he was born around 4am and would still be mid-flight when he officially turned 40. He also said being on a plane often makes him emotional, plus all of the birthday emotions, and he foresaw many deep thoughts and writings upon the plane’s landing.

Earlier in the week, many news outlets picked up Mayer’s gift to himself: a diamond-encrusted pendant of The Dude. But that purchase should come as no surprise for Mayer fans – John has an extensive jewelry collection, and he admits he’s much more a lover of things, not experiences. Because let’s be honest – he has DAILY experiences, right?

I started listening to John Mayer when I was 16 – thanks to my dad letting me borrow “Room for Squares”. I quickly grew to like the album, but it wasn’t until I saw John live, actually at a street festival in Ohio, that I thought maybe he could be someone to really listen to.

I’ve not missed an album or a tour since. I’m a bit obsessed, and I’m okay with it. He’s an artist that’s grown over time, and he keeps getting better. I turn to his music when times are tough, and I know exactly where to go when I’m happy.

On the plane, John said 40 was a big milestone for him; that it felt like he’d spent all of his years leading up to building a home, and now he’s home. He joked about his analogy, but I like it – I think a lot of people, including myself, spend years thinking about the future they want.

I have moments of feeling like I’m getting there, I’m almost there. And sometimes I feel just the opposite.

I can’t wait to see what’s next for this guy. Happy birthday to the coolest 40-year old on my playlist.

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‘Famously Single’: Initial thoughts…

The cast of 'Famoulsy Single'.

The cast of ‘Famoulsy Single’.

Last night, E! network premiered their latest reality TV installment, “Famously Single”. I’ll admit, I have been counting down the days…and hours… for this to begin. “Famously Single” brings a group of single, B-list celebrities (mostly from other reality shows) into a house, along with a doctor, to find out exactly why they are single and how they can “fix” it.

There are two reasons I was chomping at the bit for this show to start: 1. I love anything to do with dating/being single/celeb couples, etc., and 2. DJ Pauly D is part of the cast. Who doesn’t love that guy?

Despite being a reality TV junkie, I’ll admit that a lot of the cast members are new to me. So, here they are, you know, for reference:

There’s Jessica White (model), who you may recognize from the pages of Sports Illustrated; the popular DJ Pauly D from “Jersey Shore”; singer for Dumblonde, Aubrey O’Day, who was previously on “Making the Band” as a member of Danity Kane; Willis McGahee – former running back for the Buffalo Bills; Brandi Glanville – the infamously firey ex-wife and former castmember of “The Real Houswives of Beverly Hills”; Calum Best, who is fine as hell, is a model and an actor; Somaya Reece, former star of “Love & Hip-Hop”; and Josh Murray (also fine as hell), who was on “The Bachelorette”, and actually won during Andi Dorfman’s season – obviously that didn’t work out…

And finally there’s Dr. Darcy Sterling, who has been sent to make some sort of sense out of all the crazy… and of course she’s got some weird tricks up her sleeve, like sending the castmates on dates with an earpiece in, of course.

When the episode began, there was a short intro with each celeb, in which they talked about why they think they’re single, which was interesting. I’d say Brandi and Aubrey have the same problems I have – a fear of guys cheating, and general committment phobia.

Many of the castmates said that they can’t date someone within “the industry”, because of the schedule issue, and if they date outside of the industry, the other person is usually in it for the wrong reasons… fair enough. Although, when it came time for Josh Murray to give his lil intro he failed to mention the rumors that his relationship with Andi failed because he’s a woman-beater. But, yeah.

Their first challenge was to speed date – with each other. This is when Brandi reveals that Callum has slept with “everyone of” her girlfriends. Aubrey also states that she has no interest in Pauly D because “there’s no substance there” …hello, kettle!

Then, each castmate meets with Dr. Darcy one-on-one, so she can get to the root of WHY they are single. In this, Pauly D reveals he hasn’t had a serious relationship since high school. Woah. He also says he’s never been in love. He also explained an interesting, celebrity dynamic that I’ve never considered – he said that he doesn’t get out anymore. The gym is in his house; tanning bed is in his house (GTL, baby!), food is delivered, and when he’s at the clubs, he’s working. Real talk.

There’s soooo much shade thrown on Brandi already – Aubrey is all “I have to reduce my brain around her”…again, with that. Sorry, Aubrey, but you’re not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box. Amiright?

The gang gets ready to go out for a night on the town, and little to they know, Dr. Darcy has planted two dating coaches at the club to interact with the group and test them. Dun dun dunnnn. The group, obviously, acted like they’d never been out before – all got pretty drunk and acted a fool.

Somaya picked a fight with Brandi, and the guys had to split them up – I predict tension here the ENTIRE season. Somaya was all, “These crazy white bitches…”, and Brandi was all, “I will beat the fuck outta her”. Lawd.

Toward the end of the episode, the cast met with Dr. Darcy (this will probably happen for every episode) and rehashed the night before. It is here Dr. Darcy reveals that she laced the club with dating coaches – but the episode ends before we see exactly WHO the coaches are.

There is a season preview, and there are MAJOR clips of people within the house not only hooking up, but falling for each other. Because what’s better television than a bunch of damaged, beautiful people hooking up with each other. Nothing, my friends, NO-THING!

I am pretty pumped to watch this season unfold, and if it’s okay with you, I’ll probably be reviewing it, episode by episode. I hope you’ll watch the crazy unfold, right along with me!

What I would cook for Brody Jenner.

Oh so handsome.

Oh so handsome.

On Friday, I heard Brody Jenner got engaged, and although this isn’t the FIRST time he’s been seriously in love – we all knew that whole Avril Lavigne thing wasn’t going to last… or at least, we really hoped it didn’t, and thank God it didn’t. But this one, this engagement to the gorgeous blonde model Kaitlyn Carter, seems like it’s pretty real. Because of course.

And yeah, I have always thought Brody Jenner was fine as hell. So, to ease the pain, let’s talk about food, and… do a food GIVEAWAY! Hells yeah!

But first, Brody. And the fact that once they get married, his wife’s name will be Kaitlyn Jenner. Hmm. Awkward.

Jenner got his TV start on “The Princes of Malibu” which starred him, and his brother, as well as his mom Linda Thompson and his former stepdad, David Foster… as in, the David Foster, who just dumped poor Yolanda. Like… I totally did not know this relationship ever happened.

And then he was on “The Hills” and I guess dated Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad, although he said in a later interview that he never slept with anyone on “The Hills”…erreeeeaaallly? He was also dating Playmate Jayde Nicole while on later seasons of “The Hills”.

And then came Avril, and that was two years of complete oddness, and terror when she moved in and stole our hearts and our hot guy. Why you have to go and make things so complicated, Avril?!

Then in 2014, he started dating Kaitlyn, and was really open with the press about how great their sex life was, because she’s open to threesomes. Le sigh. THIS IS WHY IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN FOR ME.

But that’s besides the point. Let’s say Brody Jenner is still single, and he’s coming over for dinner, what would I cook for him? I’m going with Beef Picadillo from Green Chef.

Delish!

Delish!

I made this recipe about a month ago and was pleasantly shocked at how delicious it was, given it’s array of different ingredients. I know Brody has probably had some high-class, fancy shit on his plate, but I get the feeling he’s open for just about anything. So, we’re going with it.

INGREDIENTS

    • Organic grass-fed seasoned ground beef
    • Organic garlic, onion, poblano chile & green bell pepper
    • Organic raisins & almonds
    • Organic green olives & capers
    • 1 15-ounce can organic fire-roasted crushed tomatoes
    • Chile seasoned masa
    • 10-12 sprigs organic parsley
    • 1 ounce Cotija cheese, crumbled
    • 1 organic zucchini

Mince garlic. Cut root end off onion and remove peel. Small dice into about ¼-inch pieces. Medium dice poblano chile and green bell pepper into about ½-inch pieces. Cut ends off zucchini. Medium dice into about ½-inch pieces; reserve. Destem parsley. Roughly chop leaves; set aside.

Heat about 1 ½ tablespoons olive oil in a large sauté pan (with lid) over medium heat. Add garlic and onion to hot pan. Season with salt and pepper. Cook 3-4 minutes, or until onions are translucent, stirring occasionally. Add poblano and bell pepper. Cook 3 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add seasoned ground beef to pan with veggies. Stir to break up. Cook 5 minutes, or until browned, stirring frequently. Roughly chop green olives and capers. Add to pan. Cook 2 minutes.

Add fire-roasted crushed tomatoes to pan with picadillo. Add raisins and almonds; stir. Reduce heat to medium-low and cover. Simmer 8-10 minutes, or until liquid reduces by at least a quarter, stirring occasionally. Salt and pepper to taste.

Meanwhile, place chile-seasoned masa in a medium bowl. Add about ½ teaspoon salt and ⅔ cup water. Mix thoroughly until a stiff dough forms and pulls away from sides of bowl (see Pro Tip). Form dough into four patties, about ½-inch thick.

Pro Tip: If dough is too dry to come together, add water in tablespoon increments to reach ideal consistency.

Heat about 1 ½ tablespoons cooking oil in a medium nonstick pan over medium-high heat. Add masa cakes to hot pan. Cook 3 minutes on each side, or until lightly browned.

Meanwhile, heat about 1 ½ tablespoons cooking oil in a medium sauté pan over medium-high heat. Add zucchini to hot pan. Season with salt and pepper. Cook 3-4 minutes, or until tender, stirring occasionally.

Divide beef picadillo between plates. Pile sautéed zucchini next to picadillo. Shingle two masa cakes on the side. Sprinkle with parsley and Cotija cheese. Enjoy!

And that, my friends, is what I’d like to give away today: organic ingredients for meals delivered right to your door, for FREE! I’ve been ordering from Green Chef for about four months now, and I love it. You get to choose how many meals (by meal they mean serving) you want delivered, and set your preferences. You can change your food preferences as often as you want, or skip weeks if you’re not feeling it, and there’s NO penalty for it.

I generally have my preferences set on “omnivore” and I get ingredients for 6 meals each week; however, most of the time, it ends up being enough ingredients for 9 meals. Usually the box (which is right on my doorstep and packed with ice packs) has two recipes with meat, and one vegetarian.

So, you’ll get the ingredients and then you cook the meals at your leisure. All of the ingredients are pre-measured, and organized with color-coordinated labels. Some of the ingredients are even prepped for you (chopped, mixed, etc.), so it makes the meals pretty fool-proof. But seriously, no catch with the free meals – I really just want other people to try this delicious stuff!

I have two free gifts to give away, so if you’re interested, shoot me your email address using the form at the bottom of this post. I’ll draw numbers tonight at 10pm Central time, and if you win, you’ll get an email from me with your code! If you don’t get an email from me, you can still get 4 free meals from Green Chef, using my code here.

What I would cook for Matt Harvey.

Helloooooo! It’s been a hot minute since I featured two of my favorite pieces of this blog: “Celeb Crush” and a “Boyfriend Recipe”, so I figured why not combine the two for something steamy, plussss…. did I mention I have a giveaway? A FREE FOOD giveaway?! Yes!!

But before we get into that fun stuff, let’s pick up what hottie Matt Harvey is throwing down (baseball puns!). Let me paint the landscape for you: I enjoy going to baseball games, but mainly because I’m willing to do just about anything for a chili cheese dog and an icy beer.

I’m not a huge Mets fan, so I’ll be clear here… I had no idea who Matt Harvey was until I saw him on Watch What Happens Live. While it was revealed on the show that he “dates” a lot of models, he was also sexily coy and I pretty much loved every second of it.

Aside from the model-thing, the other downside to having a crush on Matt is his name. If you’re new here, welcome, and all you need to know is that I’ve dated WAY too many guys named Matt in my life and they are all complete douchers.

But that’s the glory of the celeb crush, right? We (me) get to suspend reality and dream on, like the fool that I am! So, a few fun facts about Mr. Harvey:

  • Birthday: March 27, 1989
  • Position: Pitcher
  • Went to college before being drafted by the Mets
  • Set a record during his debut game for 11 strikeouts
  • He is a huge hockey fan and loves the New York Rangers (le siiigggh)

So, what would I cook for Matt Harvey even though he can buy something that may taste a million times better? I would cook Harissa Steak Tacos with smashed beans, ginger slaw, and lime-dressed kale. I actually made this earlier this week, as all of the organic ingredients were delivered to me from Green Chef.

These. Are. Delicious.

These. Are. Delicious.

And that, my friends, is what I’d like to give away today: organic ingredients for meals delivered right to your door, for FREE! I’ve been ordering from Green Chef for about three months now, and I love it. You get to choose how many meals (by meal they mean serving) you want delivered, and set your preferences. You can change your food preferences as often as you want, or skip weeks if you’re not feeling it, and there’s NO penalty for it.

I generally have my preferences set on “omnivore” and I get ingredients for 6 meals each week; however, most of the time, it ends up being enough ingredients for 9 meals. Usually the box (which is right on my doorstep and packed with ice packs) has two recipes with meat, and one vegetarian. Some of my favorite meals I’ve gotten so far include:

  • Poached Tuna Salad, with Spinach Salad and Olive & Red Pepper Couscous
  • Chickpea Shawarma Salad, with Cucumber & tomato millet, olives & pine nuts
  • Sweet & Sour Chicken with Black quinoa, edamame, ginger, pineapple & pepper
  • Greek Gyro Flatbread with Baba ghanoush, ground beef, tzatziki & feta
  • Pumpkin-Stuffed Shells with Spinach & walnut-parsley pesto, orange-chard salad

So, you’ll get the ingredients and then you cook the meals at your leisure. All of the ingredients are pre-measured, and organized with color-coordinated labels. Some of the ingredients are even prepped for you (chopped, mixed, etc.), so it makes the meals pretty fool-proof. But seriously, no catch with the free meals – I really just want other people to try this delicious stuff!

I have three free gifts to give away, so if you’re interested, shoot me your email address using the form at the bottom of this post. I’ll draw numbers tonight at 10pm Central time, and announce the winners in tomorrow’s blog! The Green Chef email with the free meals will be delivered to the email you provide, so keep that in mind.

In the meantime, I’ve got the recipe for those fantastic Harissa Steak Tacos I’m going to make for Matt Harvey on our fantasy date, where of course, he’s going to fall madly in love with me.

INGREDIENTS

  • 10 ounce grass-fed sirloin steak
  • 6 organic corn tortillas
  • Organic red cabbage slaw
  • 1 tablespoon organic harissa spice blend
  • Organic lime, jalapeño & red bell pepper
  • 1 (15-ounce) can organic cannellini beans
  • 4-5 leaves organic Lacinato kale
  • 3 tablespoons organic pepitas
  • Organic creamy ginger dressing

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Pat sirloin steak dry with a paper towel. Season both sides with harissa spice blend, salt, and pepper. Set aside. Zest half of lime with a microplane (or on small holes of a box grater) into a small bowl; reserve. Cut lime into wedges.

Remove center rib from Lacinato kale. Roll leaves into a large “cigar” and slice across into about ¼-inch wide ribbons. Place in a medium bowl. Squeeze juice of one lime wedge over kale. Drizzle with about 1 tablespoon olive oil. Massage kale with hands (or tongs) to break down fibers. Salt and pepper to taste.

Place red cabbage slaw in a large bowl. Drizzle with half of the creamy ginger dressing. Add pepitas. Season with salt and pepper. Stir to combine. Cut jalapeño in half lengthwise. Remove seeds and stem. Small dice desired amount of jalapeño (or omit) and red bell pepper into about ¼-inch pieces.

Heat about 1 ½ tablespoons cooking oil in a medium sauté pan over medium heat. Add bell pepper and desired amount of jalapeño (or omit) to hot pan. Stir. Cook 2-3 minutes, or until peppers have softened, stirring occasionally.

Open, drain, and rinse cannellini beans. Add beans to pan with peppers. Add reserved lime zest. Squeeze juice of another lime wedge over pan. Stir. Reduce heat to medium-low. Mash about half the beans with the back of a cooking spoon. Cook 2-3 minutes, stirring occasionally. Salt and pepper to taste. Keep warm on back of stovetop, off heat.

Place corn tortillas on foil. Sprinkle with water. Wrap foil over tortillas. Warm in oven 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, heat about 1 tablespoon cooking oil in a small sauté pan over medium-high heat. Add steak to hot pan. Sear 4-5 minutes on each side, or to desired doneness. Transfer steak to cutting board and let rest at least 3 minutes.

Cut steak against the grain into about ¼-inch thick slices. Pile beans and slaw on each plate. Serve three tortillas each. Place kale in each tortilla and divide steak between tacos. Drizzle remaining creamy ginger dressing over tacos to taste. Garnish with lime wedges. Enjoy!

Celeb crush gone too far?

Everyone knows I’m obsessed with John Mayer and Justin Bieber – it’s not like I’ve made any sort of effort to keep that a secret. I was riding in the car a few weeks ago when they said on the radio that Mr. Mayer was spotted getting into a car with Katy Perry on New Year’s.

By now, I’m used to their ridiculous back-and-forth relationship, but people always ask if it bothers me. For starters, it should already be a red flag to myself that people are asking if I genuinely give a fuck about a celebrity and who he is dating.

But, for the record, I have happened to like all of the ladies Mayer has surrounded himself with (minus Swifty. I just cannot). I like Katy Perry. I find them to be an interesting match, but I sort of wish they would just make up their minds.

However, none of this really scratches the surface when it comes to my obsession with Mayer himself. I’ve been a fan since I was 16. He was a whopping 23 at the time, so I felt like he was singing my SOUL – and, I’ve felt that way ever since.

In a sick way, I feel like we’ve sort of grown up together – even though he’s writing songs through a lens of fame and celebrity, and I’m just coming from, well, a single, creative girl’s perspective. I’ve been lucky enough to see him more than a dozen times over the years (one year seeing him three times in under 6 months), and I’ve heard the songs so many times, I can tell which one is coming up by the way he tunes his guitar.

While I don’t have a John Mayer shrine in my apartment or at my office, I do have a framed poster and a framed album cover in various parts of the apartment… okay and the shirtless Rolling Stone cover is in my kitchen (whoops). In my defense, I feel like this is the only time I’ll be able to feature such glorious gems in my home. If I’m lucky enough to get married, I’ll have to hang them… in my closet? We’ll see, and I’ll report back.

On one hand, I of course, would love to meet him, and we could finally fall in love and all of this nonsense I go through with other guys (you know, the pedestrians) would make total sense: because I was meant to be with John Mayer all this time!

But… there’s also another part of me that knows if I actually met him, he’d just disappoint me. We’ve all heard how he’s a douche, and weird,  and probably cocky. And, there’s always that risk with people who are REALLY, REALLY good at what they do – there’s a chance they might be awkward in other areas of their life.

And, there’s one more creepy part about my obsession with John Mayer. Every time I get into a semi-serious relationship (which has been what, two times?), I think, “Well, this could be it…” and in my mind, I’m breaking up with the idea of being with John Mayer. NO, SERIOUSLY.

I know it’s unlikely, but hey, a girl can dream. And you know I love to dream. I guess when Mr. Right comes along we’ll just have to agree that John Mayer is my celebrity “out.”

As for Justin Bieber, yes, I still love him. And I am rather obsessed with the Purpose album (“Comfortable” is my favorite song). But, I had a serious conversation with my friend the other night, the topic being this: if I were given the choice of sleeping with John Mayer or Justin Bieber, and I was forced to choose… I’d pick John.

Don’t get me wrong, this was NOT an easy decision! I weighed the pros and cons, and chose John given that there’s a chance he’d be more of a selfless lover. While Bieber would be selfish, and possibly into Jack-rabbit sex.

So there you have it. I’m obsessed. But I gotta know… who’s your celebrity out?

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Celeb Crush: Elijah Wood.

Hells yes.

Hells yes.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is, I just found out a few days ago that Elijah Wood lives in Austin! According to my coworker, he lives downtown and frequents the Whole Foods at least twice a week to… and here’s the bad news… get flowers for his girlfriend.

WAMP WAMP.

But don’t be surprised if you see me hanging around Whole Foods in downtown Austin sometime soon (I’m actually writing this post from the produce section, hoping the tower of pineapples is secure).

From what I can gather, he moved to Austin two years ago, and purchased a $1 million Victorian mansion. Not too shabby.

While you may recognize Wood from his starring role in the Lord of The Rings series, I’ve had a crush on him for a very long time — I’m pretty sure I fell in love with him in The Faculty (if you haven’t seen that movie, you need to do so IMMEDIATELY).

He’s definitely got a distinct look about him, not to mention those eyes, and honestly, he seems like a really nice guy.

Several years ago, when he was in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, I was lucky enough to have a seat in the stands and caught a necklace he tossed — I still have it, unopened, because… fangirling.

I’m honestly not sure if he’s got any movies coming up — he seems to have done the Joseph-Gordon Levitt (another celeb crush) thing and moved on to other creative projects. But I’m okay with it.

Meanwhile… look for me at Whole Foods. But if you see me there, don’t blow my cover!

Pic of the Week.

The road less traveled.

The road less traveled.

Some of you may remember that last week I mentioned a road trip I was taking — and yes, I did that, and can now share my adventure.

It all started when I got a phone call from a company I’d had a few interviews with. “Can you be in Austin next week?” the woman asked. Uh, yes.

So, I planned to use my one day off from work to drive to Austin, Texas, do the interview, perhaps visit an apartment, and drive back, all in time for work at 8 am the following morning. Did I mention Austin is about 7 hours away?

I recruited my friend, and fellow branding guru, Ashley, to ride with me, mainly to keep me awake. Thankfully, she agreed.

I loaded my car up with snacks, Monster, and a collection of steamed clothes for interviewing purposes. We left Baton Rouge around 6 am Wednesday morning, which would put us in Austin at 1pm, enough time for me to change clothes, get makeup on, and make my interview at 2.

I’ve driven to Austin twice before, and I remember it being pret-ty boring. Thank God for Sirius radio. Truthfully, it wasn’t that bad. In fact, once we hit Texas, there were lots of beautiful ranches and cows, and frankly, I just wanted to belt out some Dixie Chicks for the occasion.

But I kept my cool and we made it in perfect timing. I changed in a Starbucks’ bathroom, got my look ready, and make it to the office for a fun, but intense 2.5-hour interview. Afterward, I drove to visit an apartment I’d been eyeing online.

And then? Ashley tracked down some authentic TexMex grub, where we had some delicious queso, and I got a burrito as big as my head. It was glorious, and I’m pretty sure that may have been the moment where I felt that Texas just may be the place for me.

Certainly I don’t want to jinx myself, but I felt like I quickly found my way around, and I just loved all the cute homes I saw… not to mention the abundance of margarita hotspots. Yeehaw!

Ashley and I hit the road back around 7:30pm, and unfortunately, we had some nasty traffic, which put us back in Baton Rouge around 3:30 Thursday morning. I don’t think my gut has ever been so full of Monster; I’m actually shocked that I didn’t barf or straight up have a heart attack.

And although I felt like absolute crap when I showed up for work the next day at 8 am, I know it was worth it. One thing that can never, and should never be questioned, is my dedication to…well, anything. I’m always true to my word.

Sadly, I was having too much fun to take many pictures. And I even did all kinds of fun things this weekend with my friends — boating, pool lounging, lots of laughing — but I pulled a John Mayer and skipped on the 3 x 5s. Sometimes, you’ve just got to make those mental memories.

In other news, does anyone remember that show on MTV called, “My Life As Liz”? Well, I doubt it, but it was awesome, because Liz is so cool, and I often go on YouTube and watch the same old episodes repeatedly. For whatever reason (analyze as you will), I was thinking a lot of this moment:

…Because… The Funeral, and hey, Bryson is SO FWINE.

Coping With the Split: Blake & Miranda.

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER!

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER!

It’s only been a week since the news broke that our favorite country powerhouse couple, Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton, divorced. I don’t know about you, but I’m still trying to figure out how to cope with all of this?!

For starters, they didn’t just file for divorce; they straight up finalized that crap and got the DEEVORCE (after Blake filed on July 6, 2015). The thing is where were the telltale signs??? Where was Perez Hilton?? We cannot just be ambushed by this news, people!

Since the announcement, I’ve been going through a wave of emotions: one day, I hear Miranda is the one who cheated (supposedly with fellow country singer Chris Young), and then the next day, Chris Young says he’s got nothing to do with it, and then Miranda’s camp says Blake is actually the one who cheated (let’s face it, Miranda was his mistress during his previous marriage), and then both parties are sad, then they’re “amicably Tweeting” and now? They’re just happy.

I can’t take it! What about us? They were the couple that made it seem perfect. They were whiskey and shotguns; dog rescuers and camo-wearin’ country singers. They were gritty and glamorous all at once. They were the Brad and Jen of country music; and the divorce was a damn bearskin rug pulled out from every single one of us that believed the curvy badass chick could get the guitar-slinging comedic crooner.

And it’s over.

According to Us Weekly, the couple already had a prenup, so their properties were already divided, with no financial questions. E! News has also reported that the cause for the split was not because anyone cheated on anyone, it was because of their busy schedules — as time went on, they grew further and further apart.

I will never be able to understand the inner-workings of celebrity relationships. I can’t imagine the constant scrutiny; the rumors, and the pressure. But to hear it was their careers that got in the way; that almost breaks my heart more than any cheating rumor.

These are two people who are wildly successful, and they can’t find time for each other? I know, it takes more than a redeye flight and album collaborations, but if anyone was going to make it work, couldn’t they?

Le sigh. But, the divorce isn’t changing, so let’s figure out how to cope, okay?

  1. Realize it’s okay… to have all sorts of different feelings. One day, you may feel sad about Blake and Miranda, the next day you may be mad, or even glad. With any of these reactions, I say solve it by blasting Miranda’s “Gunpowder & Lead.”
  2. Take a break… and give yourself time to heal. You should probably call in sick to work — after all, how can we be expected to get things done when all you ever knew of love is… OVER?!? You can’t. You just cannot. So instead, you should watch this: The Love Story of Blake & Miranda.
  3. Don’t do it alone… which means, have a drink. And if you’re going to drink, drink Blake’s favorite drink, a “Blake-arita,” which is Bacardi mixed with Sprite Zero.

About three years ago, I had the pleasure of interviewing Miranda for Dig magazine as she was heading to Baton Rouge on tour. I asked her about married life, as she was a newlywed to Blake at the time.

“It’s fantastic, especially since Blake is also an artist. We both understand what the other is dealing with when it comes to our jobs,” she said.

I digress. Whatever you do — don’t even attempt to analyze Miranda’s “White Liar” lyrics… it’s just not going to end pretty. Until next time, I wish you all luck in surviving the week amidst this tragic heartbreak.

Celeb Crush: Mick Fanning.

Kill me now.

Kill me now.

Okay, so you may not have heard the name Mick Fanning, but I KNOW you heard about the Australian surfer who nearly got CHOMPED by a shark during a pro-surfing competition last weekend — that’s him!

Any guy who gets chased down by a shark, punches it in the face, and gets away completely unharmed, can take me to dinner. But there’s good news and bad news when it comes to Mick: the bad news is, he’s married. The good news is, not every guy turns into a fat slob once they get married — some actually become professional athletes that beat up sharks!

Fanning is 34 years old, and has won the 2007, 2009, and 2013 ASP World Tour. He has more than a dozen other victories and has proven himself to be one of the best surfers in the world — which would explain why he is married to a model. Le sigh.

But hell, there’s nothing wrong with drooling from afar, right? It’ll be our little secret.

It seems like just last week I had another celeb crush… Oh wait, because I did. And you know what? He was kind of a little mean about it. ‘Round these parts, celeb crushes happen on the daily. They are not to be taken too seriously, so there’s no reason to go acting crazy, K?

So Mick, if you’re reading this, you don’t need to freak out. But if you do freak out, I’ll move right on my merry way — ’cause that is how The Bitter Lemon works. No time is wasted on those who don’t matter.

In other news, I had to take a decent drive late last week for a writing gig. Somehow, I ended up on the Sirius XM Love station (I think it’s channel 17) and I heard this:

…And wow did I get emotional! I didn’t cry, but I was really drumming up some memories. So basically, I need this on vinyl, and a bottle of wine, and don’t call me ’til Monday because I’ll be dancing alone in my kitchen.

“Oh, I’m leaving on that midnight train tomorrow, And I know just where I’m going. I’ve packed up my troubles, And I’ve thrown them all away.” 

— Lionel Richie, Stuck On You

Celeb crush: Nick Jonas.

Well, helloooo!

Well, helloooo!

Good morning! If you’re in need of a “Hot Guy” does, I’m your gal. If you’re new to the blog, welcome. The Bitter Lemon has been providing pictures of hot dudes for those in need since 2010.

My latest celeb crush is Nick Jonas. Truth be told, I never aid a bit of attention to this guy (I think Joe was originally my favorite Jonas Brother… he’s the one with the long hair??), until pictures from this photo shoot surfaced.

Can I just say…. DAMN THAT BOY IS FWINE.

Nick started his solo career in the last year, after the Jonas Brothers split in 2012. He’s since release two singles, “Jealous” and “Chains”… which get stuck in my head very easily.

He’s remained in the positive spotlight, for the most part, but check out this little ditty I found on Wiki:

Singer and actress Miley Cyrus has stated that she dated Jonas from June 2006 to December 2007. Cyrus claimed they were “in love” and began dating soon after they first met. The song “Wedding Bells” by the Jonas Brothers was written by Nick. It was rumored that the song was based on his past relationship with Cyrus who, at the time of the song’s release, was engaged to Liam Hemsworth.

Umm, what?

He’s currently dating Miss Universe Olivia Culpo, and they seem to be completely in love. Aww.

Meanwhile, I’m obsessed with this song:

Pic of the Week.

Some of my finished Valentines.

Some of my finished Valentines.

This weekend, I finally got around to doing something I’ve wanted to do for a long time: I made Valentines!

As February crept around, I realized that I’ve spent way too many Februaries being pissed or upset that I didn’t have romantic love in my life to celebrate the holiday with.

Some years it bothered me less than others, some years I gathered with other single friends to drown our sorrows in alcohol. There were some years that I actually did have a boyfriend, but we never did it big — no roses, fancy dinners, chocolates, or even cards.

A few Februaries ago, I started wondering why it’s all such a big deal? Sure, it would be nice to get flowers, get dressed up and remind each other how much love we have for one another.

But that would be nice on any day.

So, I decided, perhaps many months ago, that I was not going to be sad on Valentine’s Day this year. I’ve been single for almost two years now, and though there are times I wish for someone to share my life with, there’s a lot of other things I’m grateful for.

Of course, I’m thankful for my friends and family. But I’m also thankful for the people I get to see everyday — my coworkers and my trainers — two groups of people that inspire me to be the best (granted, in different ways). And then there’s those people I don’t get to see, some I haven’t even met: my readers!

In order to show my love and appreciation for the ones I love, I ventured to Hobby Lobby and spent a few hours going up and down the aisles, collecting items to make my Valentines. I ended up with various pages of printed paper, heart stickers, red and pink ribbon, and of course, glitter.

Between shifts at work, I sat at my dining table and crafted about two-dozen original cards. While I was at it, I watched some festive movies: When Harry Met Sally, The Fault in Our Stars, and 500 Days of Summer.

And though it sounds cheesy, it made me feel good knowing that maybe something small I did will make someone else smile. Sometimes, happiness comes easy, but I know for most people, it doesn’t come often.

Some of my cards will be hand-delivered this week, others have already been mailed (California, Indiana, Tennessee, Kansas, I’m talking to YOU!). And I may or may not have mailed one to John Mayer… Because… soulmate.

On Saturday, actual Valentine’s Day, I have to work at the shoe store, so chances are, I’ll be helping people get the final touches for their Valentine’s Day dates. And that’s okay. Of course, I wish I had a date, too, but I’m okay just being me.

If you’re feeling sad and/or lonely on Saturday, stop by the mall — I’ll give you a hug, a chocolate-covered strawberry, and let you try on some shoes. Shit, let’s get drinks. Let’s do whatever makes us happy, because that’s all that matters.

The dating age.

Say gurl.

Say gurl.

I work part-time at a shoe store in the mall. It’s not my dream job, but it provides cash, plus I get to meet all kinds of different people.

About ¼ of the customers I meet are hot guys. When a hottie comes into the store, I think, “Yes! A hot guy!” And then I remind myself that I’m selling shoes and stick to the script, “Can I get a size for you?” Insert obligatory comment about being on my knees here.

Working in retail at 29 is a harsh reality at times — I’ve pushed aside my degree, work odd hours, and most of my coworkers are 19.

At the risk of sounding like a pervert, one of my coworkers caught my eye. He works in the stockroom, has this silky blond hair, and a nickname I still haven’t figured out.

He reminded me of a guy I dated in high school, whom had a punk-rock flair. Enter: my lifelong crush on Something Corporate’s Andrew McMahon.

I knew my coworker had to be young, but I just wasn’t sure how young. That is, until a customer asked him how old he was and he replied coolly, “20.”

Twenty. My heart nearly stopped. At 20, I barely knew who I was, had just lost my virginity, and made terrible decisions.

At 29, I have a crush on a guy nearly 10 years younger than me. I felt slightly guilty for the fantasy I’d drawn up during the shifts we worked together: that he’d throw me up against the rolling racks in the stockroom and really go at it (while on the clock, of course).

Afterward, we’d smoke from his vaporizer pen, because that’s what all the cool kids do.

At times, the words coming out of his mouth form themselves into sentences I want to hear: “Let’s get naked.”

I felt like Stifler’s mom, complete with Al Bundy’s job, and minus the botox.

I’d be lying if I said I’m not attracted to youth — in some way, we all are. Photoshop or not, I’d still pull out my best moves on Justin Bieber.

Although sexing a 20-year-old is totally legal, women are taught to date older. It’s men that can date younger without the stigma (hi, Edwin Edwards).

Nonetheless, I’ve kept my clothes on. In reality, I don’t know how I’d feel sexually attacking someone 10 years younger than me. Plus, I’ve never been a fan of mixing business and pleasure.

I’m not sure what’s brought on my cougar mentality, whether it’s the fact that I haven’t had sex in awhile, that my latest dating attempt went to shit, or that this 20-year-old is just sexy.

When I finally mustered up the courage to tell my coworker about my crush, he was “chill” on the subject.

“But I’m, like, way older than you,” I said.

“So,” he said. “It happens.”

Celeb Crush: Justin Bieber.

I know, I know, everyone hates The Biebs. But I just can’t! Truthfully, when Bieber came on the scene, I wasn’t falling for it — even though he did have a cute face. But then, I went to see “Never Say Never,” the Bieber tour documentary (I love a doc), and it was then that I realized Biebs has talent, and sure, he’s cute.

But now, NOW, he’s growing up a little (still got that boy face) and I must say: DAMN, that boy is fine! People have always given me grief over my Bieber crush, but I pay no mind. I get it, he’s a punk, and sometimes he tries to act like a badass, when we all know he’s not.

But, as with any celeb crush, I try not to let their personal mistakes get in the way of my fantasies. As Augustus Waters says, I’m not really in the business of denying myself pleasure. So, don’t try to convince me that I shouldn’t crush on Bieber. He’s in my heart to stay — you know, along with the slew of other celeb crushes.

Justin Bieber concert.

Justin Bieber concert.

The thing is, none of us know what it’s like to grow up in the spotlight. Considering how much I want to hie under the covers when I get a mean comment on the blog or a salty Letter to the Editor, I would imagine it’s pretty fucking difficult. And if you know anything about most celebrities, chances are, the people around them aren’t great (seriously, watch Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of and tell me you didn’t want to punch a few people).

Really, I’ve always been a fan of pop music. And I love that Biebs has Usher (also a hottie) to provide that slight hip-hop feel to his songs. His tunes are fun to sing and really fun to dance to — stop by the shoe store when they’re playing Roller Coaster and I’m probably dancing across the tile floor.

I had the pleasure of seeing Justin Bieber in concert (within 24 hours, I saw him and John Mayer, best 24 hours of my LIFE) on his “Believe” tour, and it just proved how talented he is. If you dare, check out the video of his entrance. And yes, that’s me screaming. And I was sober.

90’s beauty trends I totally tried.

Yep, wore Docs.

Yep, wore Docs.

Every decade has its own style — granted bits of it always come back around — but 90’s style holds a special place in my heart, as I was just coming into my own, getting a grasp on who I was, and I was obsessive over pop culture. While I’d never consider myself daring in the fashion sense, there’s a few trends I latched onto in the 90s.

Bright eyes.

Bright eyes.

Brightly colored eyeshadow — No color too bold; the 90s were about expressing your mood via eyeshadow hues in greens, blue, and purple. And framing the whole thing with shimmery, silver-white shadow (often sold as a loose powder). If you were super serious, you’d whip out the white eyeliner.

Hair, twisted and clipped — I was constantly trying new things with my hair, things that I thought looked super cool, and when I see pics now, I realize how terrible I looked and have NO idea how I had friends. I did lemon juice, hair gel, oversized hot rollers, and even used the scary “wave iron.” But when 90’s pop music icons started twisting their bangs back and clipping them, I did the same (though I always opted for glitter bobby pins over butterfly clips).

Peach lipgloss.

Peach lipgloss.

Peach lip gloss — I remember reading that Mandy Moore wore peach lipgloss, and because I loved Mandy Moore, I was constantly on The Hunt for peach lip gloss (oh, the struggle). I finally settled on a shimmery peach tube of Lipsmackers (with the sponge applicator) that I completely took for granted, because if I had it today, I’d totally rock that shit, DAILY.

Bold mascara.

Bold mascara.

Unnaturally colored mascara — I suppose this goes hand-in-hand with the brightly colored eyeshadow trend, but blue or green mascara is one of those things you think people aren’t going to notice and they totally do. Now that I think of it, bold nail polish colors were also a hit in the 90s. I completely blame Fiona Apple and Gwen Stefani for this, and I’m not mad about it whatsoever.

Slick hair meets the power pony — Yep, greasy-looking hair was so IN. I often went for the 10-Things-I-Hate-About-You look with the scrunched wet hair (with gel that was often green or blue) in a massive clip and the crispy hair would fall out of the clip in a waterfall-like look. It was terrible. Yet again, I thought it was completely cool.

Cheek stain.

Cheek stain.

Cheek stain — The 90s were all about extremes: bold makeup looks or completely natural looks. When I rocked the au naturale look, I pulled out the peach gloss and I often colored my cheeks with a red stick of gel. It was basically lip gloss that I put on my skin (and I wonder why I had acne). The only problem? Cheek stain doesn’t look great when you’re wearing foundation and/or powder.

Gap scents — Sometime in the mid-90s, GAP became the place to shop (apparently plain t-shirts were all the rave) and their scents for men and women were a must have. Doesn’t sound like a big deal, but the scents were mass-produced and essentially just a way for GAP to continue not to make a statement, while making a statement. There was Grass, Dream, Earth, Heaven, OM, and Day. If you’re really recalling the 90s now, check out this article I found on, “What Your GAP Fragrance Said About You.”

Britney's silver lids.

Britney’s silver lids.

Britney — I could not get enough of Britney Spears (and I still can’t). I loved her style; her clothes and hair, and I especially loved her dancing. I pretty much wanted to BE HER. If she wore turquoise tops, so did I, if she did 500 situps in a day, so did I (plus we had to wear midriff tops for dance team), and if she wore a Catholic school uniform, so did I (for Halloween).

Body glitter — I actually almost left this one off the list and then I realized that forgetting BODY GLITTER would be a mortal sin, given that I loved the stuff, had an embarrassing amount of it, and needed no excuse to wear it. There was scented glitter, colored glitter, glitter in giant jars of gel, glitter with hearts and stars! You could wear it on your eyes, temples, in your hair, on your chest, around your belly ring, whatever — shit was fly. When I went to Hangout Fest last year, body glitter was all the rave (basically it was just loose glitter sticking to sweat) and I found a glorious human with a CAN of silver glitter. She “glittered” me and I was as happy as I’ve ever been in my life. Seriously.

And there you have it. A lot of these trends are finding their way back as we speak, and I’ll tell you one thing: I’m not going to be sad about it. And just because I found it, here’s a mashup of some 90-00 influencers.

Fresh Friday: Reb’l Fleur.

Call me, rude boy.

Call me, rude boy.

Most of the time, I don’t believe that the celebrities who make perfumes and scents actually wear them — except maybe J-Lo (“Are you wearing Glo??!”), but I actually think Rihanna would wear her scent: Reb’l Fleur.

As described by Fragrantica, “‘Daring, sexy and truly memorable, Reb’l Fleur is as much in tune with Barbados-born Rihanna’s roots as it is with the glamour of her present life in New York City.’ The fragrance will be launched in 2011.

The fragrance is an intense and daring fruity chypre, composed of sophisticated floral notes: tuberose, violet and hibiscus, – with a splash of coconut water, – over the light and smooth base, the combination of the final notes evokes the impression of warm skin. The perfume was created by Caroline Sabas and Marypierre Julien of Givaudan.

The elegant bottle, which glows from within, is beautifully designed in the shape of a high heel. The bottle is adorned with silken ribbons and an golden ring on the stopper. Reb’l Fleur was launched in 2010.”

The fragrance is light and complex, all at once. It’s a very warm scent, with the amber tones, and is very long-lasting, even with just one spritz!