Is foreplay feminist?
A few years ago, I had a date with this guy I really liked. We cooked dinner at his house, and before I knew it, we were upstairs, in his bed, making out. I quickly told him I wasn’t ready to sleep with him since we weren’t monogamous and hadn’t even been talking that long.
He was okay with that, but I noticed he also never tried anything else but kissing. Never even touched me anywhere below the waist. I chalked it up to him being respectful and that was the end of it.
We had a few “incidents” over the years that put us apart, but, as life would have it, our paths crossed again, and there I was, back in that same damn bed. Only this time, I wanted to sleep with him. He was a nice guy, we had a lot in common, and I kind of didn’t care if it went anywhere afterward or not.
But he proceeded to take things from making out to sex. As in making out to going for it, without ANYTHING else in between. No touching, no feeling, no oral, no whispering in my ear, not even kissing on the neck.
Umm… what? No.
“I’m going to need something else,” I told him.
“What?” he asked.
“You know, touch me…” I said.
“Oh,” he said. “Well, I haven’t done THAT since college.”
And he let out a little chuckle.
No wonder you’re single, I thought.
I can’t speak for every woman, and I won’t, but I’ll say that yes, I need more than just thrusting. I need to be touched, I like oral sex, and you know what? I’m not ashamed of it. I’m a sexual person (imagine that, a woman, being sexual)!
I give and take, and I think sex should be equal work and pleasure for all parties involved. I want to be with a man who wants me to get off.
There, I said it.
This incident OFFENDED me, a lot. Possibly more than I have ever been offended.
In a single second, this guy made me feel embarrassed, ashamed, and ugly. I felt like he didn’t want to touch me or show me a good time. And you know what? I have unfortunately been with some guys who were jerks, but they STILL wouldn’t dare sleep with me and not ensure I had a good time.
This small act let me know who this guy is: a selfish one, who has no interest in pleasing women, and has no interest in trying to the point he insulted me while I was naked, in his bed.
The other thing I found weird, was he said he hadn’t done that since college. That was 10 years ago for us. So, all the women he’s been with between then and now just get the three thrusts and done? Also, why decide “Oh, once I graduate college, I am SO done with oral sex and foreplay”? Newsflash: My basic sexual needs didn’t change when I got a degree.
I clamped my legs shut, and rolled over to go to sleep. In the morning, I was still pissed.
“Good morning!” he said.
I said nothing.
He continued talking to me and I continued ignoring him.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“No, I actually think you’re an asshole,” I said.
“What? Why?” he asked.
“Umm probably because you just go around putting your dick in people without doing anything else and you just take what’s good for you,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “That was selfish of me.”
He went outside, cut a flower, and brought it inside to me.
“That’s nice but it’s not an orgasm,” I said.
I don’t know if it was lack of confidence, lack of caring, pure machoism at its finest, or what, but I cannot.
So, I’d love to know thoughts on this – especially from the guys! I don’t want to get into numbers here, but I’ve been in enough situations to know this isn’t really normal. But when I talked to some of my girlfriends about it, they said yes, they’ve been with lots of guys who don’t care if they (the ladies) enjoy themselves or not.
This is not ok! I don’t care if its feminist or not, I refuse to be with someone who isn’t interested in what I want, and really what I need.
Posted on July 31, 2017, in The Squeeze and tagged blog, blogger, dating, feminism, foreplay, Holly A. Phillips, life, love, oral sex, sex, sexual, single, The Bitter Lemon. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.