EX-PLOSION!

Is it lame that I’m 28 years old and still watching shows on MTV?

If so, let’s just get over that tiny little fact about me, and move on to MTV’s newest season of the Real World: Ex-Plosion, K?

It starts off (last night was episode 3) just the same as every Real World season—7 strangers show up in a bomb ass house, expecting to get drunk, and hookup. And that’s pretty much what happens.

But a month into their fun living situation, all 7 of their exes show up, to live in the house.

Hello, shit-show.

Sure, these seven beauties have all got their ex-issues like the rest of us, but it really got me thinking about what I would do if I were in this situation…

I’m assuming these exes on the Real World are their most-recent ones, and if this were true for me, then I’d be living with the nightmare that is D.

Don’t know D? Consider yourself lucky.

I’d like to say I was just blacked out during the entire four months that I was with him, considering just how clueless I was. But indeed I was breathing, and consciously continuing on my path of masochism. It was so bad, I wrote a book about it. No seriously, get it here.

If we had to go back further, if MTV were to travel into my binder version of a little black book, right behind D, they would find one of four Matts that I dated. But there was one main Matt, and actually, he reminds me of fashion blogger Courtney Kerr’s ex, the infamous douche, Matt Nordgren.

My “Matt Nordgren” recently got married to the woman he cheated on me with, so if we were forced to live together, that would be more than awkward, aside from the fact, that I would absolutely try and suffocate him while he slept.

Of those two, however, I’d say D would be the most evil to see again/live with/fight with/not pick up from jail.

Prior to dating those two jewels of mankind, I dated two guys in college that I was pretty crazy for.

The first, as D put it, was an “Abercrombie Model.” He really was not a model, he just worked with me at Abercrombie. He, as they usually are, was an asshole. He was critical and was often mean to me, yet wrote sweet love letters to me. It ended pretty nastily (and by that I mean glorious), with him standing in a bar alone, holding a suitcase, and me driving down Perkins Road laughing like an evil bitch.

The other guy? He gave me mono. And was cheating on me. We drove from Louisiana to Indiana, me hopped up on steroids because of the mono, and I introduced him to my parents, only to have him drop off the face of the earth…and get married. Now he’s a total hippie and a father of two.

So, yeah. Let’s just say it’s a damn good thing I’m too old to be on the Real World, because of one of these guys showed up in the MTV house, I’d be searching for loopholes in that legal contract like Colonel Mustard.

If you want to watch the drama, MTV’s Real World: Ex-plosion airs every Wednesday. You know I’ll be watching (while eating my Paleo-approved pork rinds). Check out the season preview by clicking on the picture: