The following was written in 2010; nothing has been changed. Like what you’ve read? Enjoy my #tb (throwback) blog series as I count down the days until my second book, How to Make Lemonade, is released on December 2nd!
DAY 5: LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday is looking extra ugly today, with a hint of hangover. However, I had a blast yesterday for my Day 4 assignment—booze. The Frisky knows just what I need during this breakup; it’s quite amazing.
So for Day 5, I am supposed to plan a trip to get the hell out of here! Now, if I had a spare couple-a-thousand bucks, I’d put my ass on a plane to St. Thomas, park myself on a barstool overlooking the ocean, and get one of those cocktails that comes in a bucket.
However, I’m poor. And if you haven’t heard, we’re in a bad economy. So I’m going to have to deal with my options. Luckily for me, I have a few and they are very nice.
Option 1: road trip it to Texas with a girlfriend for a weekend of boozing, boating, and sun bathing…and boozing.
Option 2: road trip it to Tennessee with girlfriend and random pals for a weekend of boozing ON a boat, while sunbathing.
I just realized how oddly similar those options are. What does that say about me that I need to get on a boat to make myself feel better? That I hate the ground we walk on? Chances are likely.
DAY 6: FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Tuesday, April 26, 2010
Today, The Frisky ordered me to go directly to the grocery store—only this time, I was to buy exactly what I wanted. And everything I bought was supposed to be JUST for me.
Since my ex and I never lived together, this wasn’t a daunting task. However, I did always make sure I had his regular Coke on hand, as opposed to my diet. I always kept chips or snacks he enjoyed and I would often grocery shop for dinners I had planned for both of us to eat. Well, those days are long gone my friends.
So after work, I went to the grocery store without a list (something I never do) and went down every aisle. Here is what I ended up with:
1 box of multigrain Saltines
32 cans of Friskies catfood
2 cartons of Bluebell nonfat yogurt (1 banana split, 1 strawberry)
1 California Pizza Kitchen Pizza for One (BBQ chicken recipe)
1 bottle of Cover Girl liquid makeup
6 bars of Olay Vanilla Indulgence soap
1 bottle of bubble bath, coconut & lime
1 bag of Spanish nut mix
1 bag of mixed garden vegetables
1 stick of Dove deodorant
I considered buying a box of tampons just to make a statement, but I held back. It was at about this time Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” came over the loudspeaker and I nearly had a moment. If this purchase doesn’t scream SINGLE GIRL, then I don’t know what does.
I proudly brought my bags into my apartment and proceeded to clean out my fridge. I dumped all non-diet soda and got anything remotely manly out of there (except the beer, that stays). The worst part about cleaning out the fridge, is taking out the trash—but it had to be done.
Once I got there (the dumpster is a block away), I heard noises inside—a raccoon. This has happened to me twice before. Once you throw something in the dumpster, the scary raccoon has to scuttle out and I never know if they are going to have a freak attack and jump on me. So I threw something light inside and waited for the attacker to appear. He jumped out and ran off…but then, what? A second attacker peeked his head out and looked right at me. Damn.
So guy number 2 jumps out, but doesn’t run. What. the. hell. ??? He stands there, guarding the effing dumpster staring at me and my bag of food baggage. He looks. I look. It’s like a western, only the saloon doors are steel and the tumbleweeds are oak trees. The attacker was looking pissed and like he wanted that rotten tomato in my bag…so I dropped the bag and ran like hell. All I could think was that not only would I be single, but I’d also have a mangled face for the rest of my life all because of my ex boyfriend’s fridge leftovers.
Eff that noise.
But I’m safely inside now and my dinner is nearly ready…what am I having? A pizza, just for me. And hell, maybe some of that yogurt later.
Because I can.