September 30, 2007:
Been a long time since I’ve been here. Been writing some on my computer—but I’ve reached that point where I really need to just WRITE. Last night, I cried for the first time over a fight Austin and I had over two weeks ago. I left for work and was coming home around 4 a.m. I heard this song:
I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better
You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don’t worry cause
Everything’s gonna be alright
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything’s gonna be alright
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I’m feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
When the rain is pourin down
and my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain
You and me together
Through the days and nights
I know people search the world
To find somethin like we have
I know people will try to divide
Something so real
So till the end of time
I’m telling you that
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I’m feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
-Alicia Keys
I don’t know why it was that song, that time in particular that made me get so upset. This misery is like none other I’ve experienced. It doesn’t necessarily hurt more or less—it’s just different. A huge part of me feels hurt, broken, and lost because I really feel like I gave Austin my best. I feel like I really tried to be good for him and do things for him, but in the end, I still wasn’t good enough.
It wasn’t good enough.
The first time Austin and I broke up, he left me because he didn’t have time. He wanted to work more. He said there was a certain level of comfort there. But what I know now of our relationship is one or was on of the most comfortable, real relationships I’ve ever experienced. After we broke up, I don’t know what really happened. It was my first real feeling of hopelessness toward love. Somehow, I was able to recoup and grow and move on from Adam. Then, there was Austin, who at first I felt came out of nowhere and I asked myself if this was a good time—was I ready? I fell for Austin, hard. He did not feel the same. When he told me it was over, I was at a loss. Within one year, love had failed me twice, or rather, I had failed it. My sarcastic, witty side became bitter and unpleasant. Austin and I didn’t talk and I started dating someone new despite Austin still making calls for some reason. He said he didn’t understand why I hated him so much, but I just couldn’t be his friend—we hadn’t been friends before.
How we got to this point I’m not sure. I am desperately trying to understand it all, but finding that much of it is beyond me. I am trying to move on and remind myself that he just never saw what I could offer him, he never saw me and that’s why he told me to delete him. But he said he loved me. There are so many maybes and so many possibilities that I just can’t sort them all.
He knows I am hurting and he is still being stubborn and trying to hurt me.
Same day {9:03 p.m.}:
Okay so I wrote all that earlier this afternoon. Still not feeling much better. Sheena once again reminded me how great Austin’s will power is. Which I can already see. My mom just said Austin is trying to fight with me because that’s all our relationship was…but if that is true, then why do I cry about it? It really hurt when Austin told me to delete him and it hurt when he told me it was my fault…and it hurt when he told me “I suck.” I don’t get why he feels the need to hurt me three times…why not just one or non? Part of me thinks he feels like the only way he knows to get my attention or to get my to talk is to make me so angry that I have to call him. Who knows. Maybe I should just stop trying to analyze it and get on with something else.
It is what it is.
The Bitter Lemon 