Searching for Unicorns.

In 2014, a guy named Daniel invented the “Universal Hot Crazy Matrix” and presented his findings on YouTube.

It went viral because guys love to call women crazy.

According to the matrix, all women start off at being “at least a four” on the “crazy scale.”

If you’re between a 5-8 on the scale, under the crazy line, that’s what Daniel calls the “Fun Zone.”

If you’re an eight hot, and below crazy, that’s the “Wife Zone.” Anything above an eight hot and still below crazy is considered a unicorn and does not exist.

While I know this matrix was created by a 46-year-old white guy with a cell phone clip on his belt, it gets on my nerves.

I don’t know where I rank on the hot scale, so perhaps I’m a three, and this is a pointless argument. I know that I’ve been called crazy many times for doing things that I wouldn’t consider insane.

What's this crazy talk?
What’s this crazy talk?

When I’ve done these so-called “crazy” things, they have always been fueled by someone, usually a man, doing something to piss me off. Wanna know what really drives me nuts?

When a guy has one thing on his to-do list, and that one thing is absolutely more important than the 100 things I’ve got on mine. This results in me getting huffy, and the guy delivers one of these bombs:

“Holly, I told you I had to do this one thing today. Stop being crazy.”

And in that moment, I want light his car on fire. How’s that for crazy?

A guy calling a girl crazy is a very simple, easy way of dismissing our feelings. It can shut down an entire argument with just one word.

One thing I’ve noticed in the past month is that I’ve got a lot of things working against me in the crazy department. As a relationship columnist, blogger, and author, nearly every romantic interaction I’ve had is out there for anyone to read.

And, being a writer, I analyze everything.

A few weekends ago, a guy I’ve had a crush on for most of my life, really did something to grind my gears.

From my perspective, he was attempting to blow me off by continually telling me how busy he was. I told him I could “take a hint.” So, I put my phone on silent and tried my damnedest to remove him from my brain (read: I went shopping).

But here’s the thing. This guy is really nice. He’s successful, attractive, loves kids and animals, and he even calls me sometimes — really, it’s overwhelming how all-around hot he is.

And then there’s me. I’ve got insecurities, daddy issues, and baggage out of my ass. I’ve tried for years to either hide it, or pretend shit doesn’t bother me, because dammit, I’m not crazy, I’m a pretty little unicorn!

So, here’s the part the Crazy Hot Matrix fails to explain: what happens to all of us in the “No Zone”?

My crush and I were in a little bit of a stand-off after I tried to explain myself to him. I wanted an apology and he wasn’t going to give it. There were tumbleweeds and rusted spurs, until I called him and we agreed it was a miscommunication.

But if I’m being totally honest, I can’t shake it. I feel like whatever fire was between us, has fizzled, because I did the ultimate thing you’re not supposed to do — I acted crazy. I’m no longer that fantastical pony with glittery hair (#goals). I’m just another crazy one, flailing her arms for attention.

This leads me to the other problem with the Crazy Hot Matrix: the shame. And guys wonder why we drink wine every night and eat loads of pizza! Well, because cheese happens, and wine washes away our shame from actually eating, and from going off-the-charts crazy.

I think it’s time this crazy cowgirl hopped on a horse in search of a watering hole where my kind will be – something tells me Miranda Lambert will be there, and I’m okay with that.

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