July 7, 2007{8:30 p.m.}:
Okay, once again it’s been awhile since I’ve been here. I’m 22 now! School and work have been really taking up my time and energy…I’ve been really stressed. My geology grade sucks, I can’t seem to get ahold of the concepts and time is running out.
But since I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had much social time. Joscelyn is never around and when she is, she is on the phone with Eric or complaining that she doesn’t have any money. So since summer school has started, I haven’t gone out…really haven’t done shit with anyone but myself.
I’ve fallen into a rut of seeing movies alone and cooking and studying. Sometimes it’s good to be rested and have time alone, but a person needs social interaction!
Anyways, about Austin. We’ve still been talking a lot and things have been good. Only two weeks until we see each other! I’m still really excited, but like I said before…scared too. I love talking to Austin on the phone, but the feeling is a throwback to my days with Adam. Since we aren’t in the same state…we can’t do those little things together. We are both lonely, and I think our “miseries” are clinging to each other. Austin has met a few guys through work and has started going out some. I want him to make friends, but at the same time it makes me wonder if he’s meeting girls and who knows what the fuck he’s out doing. And although we aren’t together, I don’t feel I’m in a position to ask him. There’s no way I can smoothly ask, “sooo did you meet any cute girls tonight?” It’s only going to come off as jealousy…probably because it is.
At the same time, I’m not telling him about any guys…well, there are non. I can’t tell if I’m respecting what we have too much. I guess I will be able to tell more about it when we visit. He said he wanted to have a “talk.” But I have been pretty good about behaving myself and not putting myself in situations with other guys out of respect for him. But depending on what we talk about, I don’t want to be the one always waiting on his calls and avoiding dates if he’s not doing the same.
The other thing is the whole me-moving-to-Dallas-thing. I am extremely flattered that he’s thinking about it and even more that he’s telling me! Problem is: I don’t want to move to Dallas! I know I haven’t been there and seen it, but the point is…I’ve wanted to live in LA all my life! I’ve got a good job lead and have been looking at apartments.
So, that brings me to my next point, which is highly premature, but I know it’s going to come up. If I can’t agree to move to Dallas, then where will this relationship go? To me, it doesn’t seem fair because I would be the one sacrificing my dreams…but I’m sure Austin would see it his way. Naturally. Right now, the best thing for me to do is just go with my original plan and work, graduate, move to LA and see what there is for me. Sure, Austin’s a great guy, but if it’s meant to be then it will happen…simple as that, right?
Love,
Holly Ann
July 8, 2007{3:56 p.m.}:
Hey there! Back again…I’ve been having a huge urge to write a lot lately, but haven’t had much time, so this weekend I’ve been making myself make room for it. I just got back from lunch with Joscelyn, which was okay. Last night I had a dream about Eddie and Paige…that they came into Abercrombie and said hey to me. I am guessing the dream simply came from the fact I wanted to go to Cortana yesterday and go to Steve & Barry’s but was nervous to. The dream wasn’t bad, but when those things happen, it does prove to be a major setback for me. It makes me wonder why it happened, what he’s doing, etc. It makes me realize how much I miss the fun we had together. Summer is a hard time for me to be single. I dated Adam over the summer two years ago and then Eddie last summer. Wil was a summer fling and Zach, too. This summer combined with my extreme loneliness is bad for me. It makes me desperate for company and it makes me miss Adam and Eddie.
SUCKS!
I need to go on a date…bad. Last night I asked Austin if we were still having that “talk” he mentioned last week. Of course, typical Austin, said he never said we were going to have a talk, but that he was just going to convince me to move to Dallas instead of LA.
Fuck.
Anyways, I need to go study. I will probably be back later.
Love,
Holly Ann
July 8, 2007{9:37 p.m.}:
Okay, so I’m back and of course I’m pissed. I just got through with a meaningless phone conversation with Austin. He called me about an hour ago and he had me on speaker phone for the whole conversation, which is annoying because I can hear myself talk and can barely hear him. He was making and eating dinner while we talked, which is okay, but it makes me feel like he can barely fit me into his busy schedule, and you know how I feel about people who think they are busy. Austin is not busy. Fuck that.
So anyways, what he was saying to me was fucking rude. He told me he talked to Travis who wanted to know what my problem was because I haven’t called him. What the fuck? Maybe he should take a hint or simply realize that I’m fucking busy and haven’t gone out in the past month. So Austin told him I was busy and he wonders why I haven’t called him. well, the last time Travis and I got drunk we kissed. Of course I never heard the end of it from Austin, so why the fuck would he even want me to call Travis? Beats me. So to add to all of this nonsense, Austin was making fun of me for organizing my closet and shit. Sometimes I seriously want to be like, look dude I am not the loser here. So out of nowhere he’s like “well I have to go take the trash out so that means I have to get off the phone.” Like we were in the middle of a fucking conversation! So he can tell I’m pissed and his defense is that we’ve been on the phone for one hour…I’m thinking wow, what’s it to you because you haven’t even been paying attention. So he said he’s call me tomorrow during his lunch and I just hung up on him.
I am not going to answer it tomorrow. Not to be a total bitch about it, but if you don’t want to fucking call me, then don’t call me. Because I don’t want to hear the fucking bitching. If you’re going to do something, then go balls out, don’t half-ass it.
More tomorrow,
Holly Ann
The Bitter Lemon 