Two Weeks.

June 14, 2007 {11:24 p.m.}:

Well, it’s been exactly two weeks since you’ve heard from me: A LOT has happened!

But…first thing is first.

I cried on my drive home from work tonight. I’ve cried so much this summer. The saddest part is, I can hardly pinpoint why I cry, not because I don’t have anything to be upset over…I’ve got many things pulling me down.

I booked a flight to see Austin in July. I’m really excited, because I really miss him. More than I thought I would. I am really looking forward to our visit. But I’m scared too. The last time I flew to see a guy he left me…on several occasions (Adam, Nik, Gabe). I really don’t think I can handle Austin leaving me. Last weekend, we went two days without talking—the longest we’ve gone since he left…and I was devastated. The thought of never talk to him again is miserable. I think we’ve grown really close in the past month. I feel really good about the way things are going. Austin is my best friend.

But I am still scared.

There are things I’m afraid to tell Austin. I feel pressure to “go with it” since we are so far away and we still are not dating. But my heart can’t just go with it. I’m trying so hard not to fall for him, harder than ever before. I’m so afraid of getting hurt from him…again. I’m afraid of getting hurt by anyone.

Austin has already talked to me about his loneliness, saying he wishes someone was there when he got home from work. But he doesn’t just want anybody. He talked to me about moving to Dallas over Los Angeles. I laughed to keep my heart out of it, but I can’t lie, and say I haven’t thought about it.

But his excuse right now is, “you’ll be closer to me.”

I can’t move somewhere that isn’t where I really want to be just to be near someone who isn’t my boyfriend…can I?

But what I’m most afraid of …is getting used to Austin’s calls.

I don’t think we’ve talked everyday like this since we’ve been dating. I just wish he’d tell me more…but I think he’s afraid.

I am too…but not of that.

I’m still afraid he’ll meet that Dallas girl, whoever she is. I’m scared the only reason he’s talking to me is because he has no other girl. He says it isn’t is…that he didn’t realize what he had until he lost is, but who knows.

I think the trip to Dallas will tell a lot…so maybe if I can just stick it out until then, we’ll be able to talk it out in person.

I had more to say, but I’m exhausted. More this weekend.

Love,

Holly Ann