A Poem.

After Austin graduated, I went on vacation to St. Thomas with my mom and best friend. Austin was still in Baton Rouge looking for jobs. In my journal, I wrote a poem:

This morning, I forgot where I was
I looked around.
All beige.
Was this my home?
What city was I sitting in?
My eyes adjusted.
Indianapolis? No.
Greenwood? No.
Los Angeles? No.
Baton Rouge? Yes.
Relief.
Then came the disappointment.
I didn’t know what day it was.
Did I have to work today?
I don’t know.
Ah, Monday.
Yes, work.
All coming back, cloudy.
Disappointment.
Done.

June 10, 2007 {9:28 p.m.}:

Here I am again and this time I’m on the verge of tears. I have spent the last three days and nights with Austin. Thursday night was the first time we saw each other since St. Thomas. I really missed him. When I left for vacation, I honestly didn’t think I’d miss him…but I did. The past three days have been good, we haven’t even fought.

Austin leaves for Dallas on Friday. I think we’ll say our goodbyes on Wednesday…I didn’t think I’d be this sad. ever since Austin and I broke up I’ve battled up and down feelings for him. Some days I missed him, others I never thought about him.

Some days I felt maybe I loved him. Others it was close to hatred. There aren’t many things I find particularly intriguing or stunning about Austin. We fight more than I’ve ever fought with anyone. But I can’t get rid of him. Now he’s leaving and I couldn’t be more upset.

Austin makes me laugh. He lets me be me and things are comfortable with him. There are some things that are wrong between us, but there’s a lot that’s right. Austin is the only man who’s ever really broken up with me instead of just ignoring me. After all the fights or disagreements he’s still around.

Sadly, I am scared that when he moves to Dallas, he’ll find someone else. She’ll be smarter than me and more girly…and probably gorgeous. But mainly, she’ll live in Dallas. And that’s something I can never offer Austin. He says he’ll miss me when he goes and I should visit him in July. However, I am preparing myself for the worst—that being that he won’t miss me and he finds someone else and we’ll never talk again.

Like I said, I never thought all of these feelings would come up. Austin is my last friend here in Baton Rouge! Joscelyn and I will be holding down the city really. I know I’ll be busy with work and school, so maybe that’ll help with the whole “missing” thing, but we’ll see…there are things I want to tell Austin before he leaves, but I don’t know if I should…I might write a faux letter to him and see how it turns out.

Love,

Holly

June 10, 2007{10:04 p.m.}:

HOLLY’S FAUX LETTER TO AUSTIN

Austin,

I know you probably didn’t want things to get all cheesy when you left, but I really wanted to share some things with you. If I’ve learned anything about relationships, it’s to tell someone what you’re thinking before it’s too late.

As great as I may be with words, I’m horrible at expressing my feelings in person. So, the writer in me has probably been composing this letter for the past year.

I really want you to know, I really am going to miss you. No matter what I’ve said or told you, I will miss you being around! Anything I’ve said to make you feel otherwise is only a wall I’ve put up to avoid getting hurt again.

I couldn’t be more thankful of the relationship we’ve had: romantic and friendly. Although I habitually drop the “asshole” name on you, most of the time I don’t mean it.

Truthfully, of all the boyfriends I’ve had, you’re the only one who’s actually broken up with me as opposed to simply ignoring me. I do recognize the respect you’ve had for me and I’m really thankful for it.

As much as you might hate me for doing this, I can’t help but remember a few things. When my relationship before you was over, I’d gotten my heart broken for the first time by my best friend of five years. I thought things were over for me already.

But when you asked me out for dinner (in the stockroom) I was more shocked than ever. I didn’t know anything about you and didn’t know if we’d have anything to talk about. But it was one of the best first dates I’ve ever been on. What I remember most about those days are the small things: our Fat Joe song, carving our initials into the Caterie bar after doing shots of red snapper, the text messages, and our long phone conversations when we’d pretend to be exes and talk about ourselves.

Although things were good, I never thought we’d remain friends (what can I say, it’s not really my style). Most of my exes come back around, but I never put up with them. I guess I’ve got a soft spot for you, Austin!

But as sad as I am to see you go, I am really happy for you. I’m looking forward to hearing about your job and the new home.

By the time you read this, I’ve probably already shed a few tears and maybe even packs a bag for Dallas! But don’t miss me too much, Austin!

Looking forward to hearing from you and seeing you…

Love Always,

Holly Ann