‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’: ‘Paradise Boss’.

I’m getting back to my old ways – recapping the trashy TV shows I love to watch! I picked “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club” to recap because it’s an entirely new show, and who can look away? I sure can’t.

So, every Tuesday night, join me on Twitter as I Tweet along with the show, and every Wednesday, I’ll post the FULL recap right here. So, let’s do this!

Last week, MTV aired a sort of “long preview” that introduced us to the potential employees of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. Per MTV style, these are people that are more about drama/hooking up than they are about representing the Lohan brand.

Little did I know, Lohan has multiple clubs in other countries, but this is her first beach club. So… let’s dive right in to last night’s episode.

The episode opens with similar scenes from the previews: that Lohan has spent her entire life and career in the public eye, and after the success of her club in Athens, she’s moving on to Mykonos.

And then we meet Panos, Lohan’s business partner. He seems like a made-up character; very GQ, very European hard-ass.

The two of them sit down to select (read: trash talk) a possible team. They choose:

  • Mike, Bartender, WeHo
  • Jules, Model Marketing Server, Denver
  • Brent, VIP Host, Vegas
  • Sara, VIP Hostess, LA
  • Aristotle, Bartender, LA
  • Billy, Bartender, LA
  • Gabi, VIP Waitress, DC
  • Jonitta, VIP Hostess, LA
  • May, VIP Hostess, NYC

If she has on more makeup than me, she’s fired.

Then, Panos brings the VIP Hosts to Lohan Beach Club so they can see how things work; how it’s different than a night club.

He also tells them if they don’t sell, they’re out. Period.

They are all housed in one villa, sooo this is basically MTV’s “The Real Word” – Lohan style.

Immediately once the hosts are in the villa, they popped a few bottles and determined who was single.

Brett and Sara are already hitting things off… but don’t get TOO cozy, because Lindsay walks in just as half the villa is topless in the pool, drinking from a magnum bottle of liquor.

And Lindsay is annoyed.

She sits them all down and wants to get to know them. But it’s about this time that I realize a few things: 1. When was the last time anyone even HEARD her talk?? And 2. She seems super weird. It’s half-bitchy and pretentious, half awkward.

Then, Gabi has either had too much to drink, or she’s not understanding the seriousness of the situation, because she’s sitting there in her bra-top/swimsuit. Between her outfit and her rambling on about herself, Lindsay is convinced Gabi wants her “own show”, and Lindsay storms off while Gabi cries.

The entire “staff” is now pissed at Gabi because she used up their time with Lindsay.

Later that night, Lindsay is in her villa with Panos and she’s being pretty judgy about “Americans who come here.”

But, the more Lindsay talks, the more I get it. She, along with her entire family, have a pretty shit reputation when it comes to everything. And this might be their one last chance to succeed…at anything, let’s be real.

The next day, the staff heads out for their first day of work. They all get assigned certain VIP guests, so Lindsay can see how they work.

Brent is assigned one of the biggest VIP clients, while most of the others are going to the beach to try and “sell” cabanas (which run for a cool $1,500).

Basically his “client” ends up thinking he’s hot and they go for a dip in the ocean – and they start making out in the cabana.

The other ambassadors (VIP Hosts) see this, and the ladies are not happy. Half of it seems to be jealousy, the other half point out a double-standard in the industry when it comes to “making guests happy.”

By the end of the night, Lindsay has gone home, and the staff is drunk. Panos sees that they’re not selling anything.

Once they’re all back at the villa, Brent and Jonitta get INTO it! Jonitta accuses Brent of not working, when he says he was the highest seller at the club (cabana + 4 bottles of 1942 tequila).

…The next day, Panos is disappointed in everyone minus Brent, for not selling enough.

And that’s where we leave it! The clips of the upcoming season look pretty nuts, but this show actually wasn’t as stupid as I anticipated. What did you guys think?

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