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‘Siesta Key’: We Need to Talk About Chloe.

And it’s back for episode 2.

We left this shit show last week with Chloe FaceTiming Alex and showing him her face, which had clearly been beaten in.

As I guessed, Amanda kicked her ass for being a lil bitch when it comes to Brandon. And just like that, their friendship is over and I’m sure this cat fight is going to last alllll summer.

Chloe was all, “She hasn’t even, like, texted me to see if I’m OK!!” No shit, she HATES you!!!!

Obviously, this episode is going to focus on 2 things: Chloe’s face getting beat, and Madison v. Juliette. Basically, recap over.

Madison and Kelsey are at lunch and Kelsey says, “I want to see what Florida is all about.” Umm Florida is all about RETIREMENT.

Later, Alex says Madison didn’t know him when he “had all this” *rolls eyes*, which I assume is basically his way of stating that she’s the only decent person/non-gold digger ’round these parts.

Mind you, it’s about this time Juliette gets her hair wet again, and I’m beginning to think she’s confident in this look. No, girl. Just no.

After the break, there’s a fantastic side-by-side of Amanda in a thong at the bikini contest while Brandon watches, and Chloe being wheeled out of the hospital after surgery. Like really, that’s fucked up.

Later, Garrett says he’s trying to think of something to do for him and Kelsey’s 6-month anniversary… but in the last episode Kelsey said they just met on Tindr. What gives MTV? Get a new script editor!

Madison confronts Alex about his promiscuity last summer with Juliette – and he’s all, “Uh, it wasn’t Facebook official!”

Later, Chloe shows her face in public and props to this girl with her two black eyes, sipping on margaritas!

Instead of taking her somewhere nice like he planned, Garrett takes Kelsey to the beach for a picnic… and she’s pretty ungrateful honestly. Shocker. He gave her a jar of 365 hand-written notes… and she gave him a giant bag of pistachios. Not kidding.

He brings non-alcoholic cider and sliced cheese, and Kelsey constantly makes comments about how this would be waaaaayyy different if they were at a restaurant. For someone who moved to Florida to care for her mother, she a biiiiiitch. Yea?

Brandon is hosting the next party, and Chloe doesn’t want to see Amanda. Obviously. Girl, you’re better off sitting at home, alone, watching episodes of “Laguna Beach”. Trust me on this one.

It’s the night of Brandon’s party, and as soon as Juliette shows up, Madison starts guzzling whatever is in her red cup. Meanwhile, Chloe is tucking herself into bed and she totally has one of those touch-lamps from the early 90s.

At the bonfire party, Alex is his usual self -playing Juliette and Madison right in front of each other’s faces. After Alex calls Madison a “Bow down queen”, Kelsey tells her to move on.

Outside of filming, news has surfaced that Alex allegedly shot and killed a hammerhead shark while fishing. Killing marine life in Florida is illegal. Alex posted video of a fisherman lifting a shark partially out of the water, and shooting it, and then later deleted the video from his Instagram feed. The video is currently under investigation as a petition is circulating calling for those involved in last week’s “shark dragging” incident to be arrested.

Obviously, I’ll await the news to see if he’s guilty or not, but I know one thing is for sure: this kid is a privileged asshole.

So, yeah, we’ll see what happens next week…

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‘Southern Charm’: While the Kat’s Away…

‘Southern Charm’ is baaaaaack!

You guys! I have been looking forward to the season 4 premier of “Southern Charm” for at least a month. And last night, it happened. Sorry March Madness, I have more important matters to tend to. Because of my excitement, I’ve decided “Southern Charm” will be my next series to review/recap each week – hope y’all enjoy!

At the kickoff of the episode, T-Rav brings Landon a rose and they go for a walk. He tells her the only thing he needs is a partner and they should just take a shot. WHAT!?!?!

Then it says, “3 Months Earlier”… and we’re cruising through Charleston with Cameron and Sheppy. Cam is headed to Craig’s house, and maybe we’ll see if he’s finally taken the bar exam. He is still dating Naomi, and she’s in school.

He says he did everything this summer to actually finish school and now he’s just waiting for the next exam date.

Back at T-Rav’s, he confirms that Katherine did fail a drug test (after allegations last season), so he has full custody of his children. He also says she hasn’t seen the kids in a “couple months” and she isn’t allowed to see them until she can pass a drug test (WHAT????).

Later, Shep is out with his new friend Austen, who looks just like him. They are talking about how Landon professed her love for Shep last season, and I guess it’s still a “thing”.

In Austen’s introduction, he basically wakes up, sends a chick on her way, admits he’s 29 and ready to mingle after a two-year relationship, and that he “actually” has a job… where he’s a rep for a beer company. But of course!

At Patricia’s, she’s completing a needlepoint of her dog, Chauncy. Whitney comes over for a drink and admits that he recently went to Tallum and smoked weed the entire time. Patricia easily turns the conversation to Katherine, because it has been reported that she’s in rehab for weed, cocaine, and opiates.

Meanwhile, Landon is paddle boarding and claims she’s been scarred with a scarlet letter and she was traveling to escape it (lawd).

At the stables, T-Rav is talking with a friend of Katherine’s (and his) and she says Katherine has been kicked out of where she was living, and had been sending “intoxicated” texts. WHAT? This episode is on fire.

Later, Cam and Shep are shopping, and they are talking about Craig as if he doesn’t have a job… so I’m not sure what happened with his bourbon job with JD? Shep has concluded that everything about Craig is a lie. Yeeeesh.

Craig and Naomi are headed to a party and they get a call from Katherine… which I realize is spelled Kathryn. Apologies.

She says she’s back in Charleston, living with her family. Craig says he’s happy to hear from Kathryn, but his life has been easier without her in it.

Landon is having a pool party, and as soon as Craig and Naomi arrive, he tells her they talked to Kathryn. And Landon is all, “We know the only reason she went to rehab in Malibu is to find a rich boyfriend… her next victim”.

DAMN.

…And then in walks Landon’s boyfriend.. and he’s 25 and pretty cute.

At the party, Shep pulls Naomi aside and asks her what Shep has been doing. He suggests maybe he becomes a chef or a carpenter, which seems to offend her. But he wants to know if Craig will ever really take the bar… but why does he care?

Then, talk of Kathryn seems to take over… and at the same time, Kathryn is loading herself into her Jeep and is headed to the party. Oh. Shit.

….And then of course, she rolls up to the medical center to take another drug test. Good play, Bravo.

That’s the end of the episode, but it shows the season preview, and wow does it look INSANE. And I cannot wait!

‘So Cosmo’: Big New Future.

Cosmopolitan's fitness contributor, Evan Betts.

Cosmopolitan’s fitness contributor, Evan Betts.

Howdy! So… I totally tuned into “So Cosmo” late because I forgot to record it, was not willing to wait until it aired again at midnight, and was clearly REALLY busy eating quinoa to even check my life. So, I missed the first 15 minutes. Apologies.

When I tuned in, Evan is now officially hired and he attends his first staff meeting with Joanna – there is still talk about her leaving, but I’m assuming she didn’t walk out that same day as she had said she would in the previous episode.

Evan invites Diondra to lunch, but she declines even though she knows it would probably be innocent. She is determined to set the boundaries on this relationship (we’ll see about that).

Evan later strikes up a meeting with Danielle, who is the editor of the fitness department. They are going over the workout he is thinking of for the issue, and Diondra sees this through the window and is getting pretty jealous. So naturally, she busts in to see what’s happening. Lord.

Later, Tiffany throws a decent fit over clear hangers. The rack must have clear hangers. Not black ones. Okay?

Meanwhile, the head Beauty Editor, Leah, is really worried about the new editor coming in. She has worked with other magazines before when this has happened, and every time, the editor has cleaned house and brought in an entirely new staff.

So, apparently Joanna did announce who the new editor would be, and the team is seeing her -Michelle – while they are out at fashion week. Awkward!

Leah finally meets with Joanna to talk about her concerns. Joanna basically tells her to just stop worrying about it, do the best she can and stop crying.

But all the while, Fashion Week goes off swimmingly, and things are all pretty good in Cosmo world. In the previews for the next episode, it’s more drama between Evan and Diondra, making me think that THIS is going to be the main storyline for the season. Ugh.

But hey, who’s watching with me next week?!