Mission: Get John Mayer to Open my Snaps.

John Mayer doesn't know what he's missing.

John Mayer doesn’t know what he’s missing.

About two weeks ago, John Mayer announced he was joining SnapChat. The interwebs completely ATE this up, because: 1. SnapChat is for teens, right? And John Mayer is 38. And 2., What happened to all of that jazz about not making a complete fool of yourself online, Mr. Mayer?

Well, hell’s bells. I’m 30 and on SnapChat, and when I heard the news I about died.

“This is it!” I thought to myself. “Maybe THIS is how we’re going to meet!”

Sure, I have no shame in admitting that I’ve attempting to contact him via Twitter and Instagram (by way of tagging his handle, I’m not creepy enough to send him a DM).

But I am also creepy enough to attempt to send him two Valentines over the years via snail mail. Now, these cards never got sent back to me, but yes, I’m aware of the fact that John Mayer never saw them.

More than likely, they are sitting in dusty boxes in some New York warehouse, and/or some creepazoid steamed open the envelopes andย flattened them in a frame from Goodwill.

Now, back to the matter at hand. Personally, I think SnapChat is the perfect place for John Mayer, because he can say his “sexual napalm” realness, and then it disappears in 24 hours.

Leave it to my imagination to try and figure out howย I can use this particular social media channel to PERHAPS meet my life’s obsession. But how am I supposed to make this happen?

My friend suggested the spaghetti tactic – you know, throw everything on the wall and see what sticks. Ah, hell, why not?

So, I took a picture of the nearest thing: the Taco Bell drive-thru line, slapped a kissy-face emoji on the sucker, and sent it to John Mayer.

Then just sit back and watch the magic happen, right?

Sure, that’s what I thought, too, until I saw the little arrow next to his name was gray and it said, “Pending”.

Um, what? Here we are, nearly 10 days later, and that sonofabitch isย STILL pending.

“Don’t worry,” my friend said. “He’s going to accept it because you’re his #1 fan!”

While I appreciate her perseverance, that’s exactly the reason he’s NOT going to accept it. Because I am an obsessive freak.

But, this is my blog and I’m all about transparency, so let’s obsess more and figure out how to crack this code.

According to SnapChat, the “pending” message is confirming the fact that John Mayer hasn’t added me as a friend on SnapChat. Well, no shit.

SnapChat suggests calling your “friend” and asking them to accept your friend request, so you can easily send snaps to each other.

Um, hello?! It’s 2016, I’m not going to CALL anyone. And D., if I had John Mayer’s phone number then I wouldn’t be trying to stalk his ass on SnapChat! Duh. *Rolls eyes*

So, anywho, in the meantime, I’m just going to go apeshit and snap him some ‘mo. Because I really don’t have anything else to do with my life.

If you’ve got other suggestions on how to get his attention, please let me know. I’m not above flying my personal plane over Montana and writing some messages in the clouds.

Want to follow me on SnapChat and see me make a fool of myself for John Mayer? I’d love to have you: OrangeJulius7

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Posted on February 23, 2016, in Light Pulp, The Squeeze and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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