Sleep to Dream.

My relationship with sleep has probably had just as many issues as my dating life. But while I’ve been sleeping my entire existence, I can’t tell you if sleep has always been an issue for me.

I do remember being an early riser during my high school years—waking early to allow myself enough time to shower, curl my hair, and drive to school 40 minutes before my first class just to secure a parking spot and sit in my car.

Now, I’m neither a late night owl or an early bird; probably because when I get into bed, sleep doesn’t find me like I wish it would.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve lost sleep over stress (while I’m cool on the outside, I’m usually panicking on the inside); I’ve rocked a mouth guard every night for at least 15 years because I grind my teeth; and I snore. Loud.

How have I ever had a boyfriend?

Believe it or not, I don’t consider any of those real sleeping problems. The real problems began a few years ago, when I suspected my then-boyfriend was cheating on me. I had vivid dreams of him having sex with other women.

I would try my best not to be mad at him—I knew the dreams weren’t directly his fault—but it was hard to look at him right the following day. Sometimes, I’d wake in the middle of the night from a dream, and call him, and then when I told him the dream aloud, I sounded like an idiot, we’d both have a laugh and that was the end of it.

Since he really was cheating on me, I suppose the dreams aren’t as crazy as they seem. Perhaps I’ve got a little bit of psychic in me…

When I started dating my most recent ex, I hardly slept, period. He was always getting home so late after work, or staying up until 5 am drinking, that I was constantly running on maybe an hour of juice.

Check out this Tweet I found (as proof) dated March 10, 2013. I was so tired, that I was grammatically incorrect!

Screen Shot 2014-02-24 at 1.39.36 PM

When I laid next to him, I was often terrified, afraid of the things he would say (or do) to me in the middle of the night.

The first night after we broke up, I remember tucking myself into my own bed, relieved that I could get a solid chunk of sleep. Then, I was awoken mere hours later to the sound of him beating on my front door, attempting to open it with his house key, after I’d had the locks changed.

For a solid month after that, I would wake up each night around 3 am, terrified. I would double-check my locks (despite living in a high-security building), before laying wide-eyed in bed for hours.

When I’m not having relationship drama, I sometimes wake from nightmares (often involving an ocean) or open my eyes with lines of poetry in my brain that needs to get out. While recent events in the lust department have stirred my dreams in the last few weeks, in general, I can say I’m catching some ZZZzzzs—and that’s a relationship that’s important to me.

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