Previous heart.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Valentine’s Days from years behind me…and it doesn’t look pretty. One in particular, two years ago, hurts me the most. But as I continue to move on as a single woman, learning from these moments is what it’s all about.

So, I want to share with you a piece of the journal entry I wrote two years ago:

Valentine’s Day—how I detest thee. Boyfriend or no boyfriend, you hurt my heart. You make me feel fat, ugly, and lonely. I can’t go out to eat around Valentine’s Day because of the couples, and the wait. I can’t go anywhere without seeing red, and boxes of chocolates, and banners hanging from the lamp posts saying “Holly, you’re still alone on Valentine’s Day!”

There’s never been a February 14 that I’ve actually looked forward to, or enjoyed. And if there has been, my memory has blocked it out due to trauma and/or heavy drinking.

But this year, THIS YEAR! Is the first year I’ve been dating someone on Valentine’s Day and so, I thought my hatred for such a nasty holiday would hide in the shadows. But nope. Still hate it.

I didn’t want to make a big ta-da out of the day or weekend, but I did want to indulge in some chocolate and time with my Valentine. But the dream I had built up in my mind—that we’d eat a heart-shaped pizza from Papa Murphy’s, get schlitzed on beer, and eat a batch of red velvet cupcakes—quickly dissolved when my Valentine went missing.

And so, with a meaningless set of 12 homemade red velvet cupcakes, (I gave them to my coworkers and shoved the rest in my mouth with a game of Chubby Bunny, reminding myself once again why I am a loner each February), I wallowed in my sorrows.

With such a bad case of the lonelies, there was only one remedy: a cheese pizza just for me (notice how often I reference food here) and my very own Will & Grace marathon. What does that say about me that a show about gay men, paired with greasy food (and copious amounts of alcohol) is the only answer to my problems?

I’m certain this is just karma biting me in the ass for telling that soccer mom at Hobby Lobby to eff off—but I still think she deserved it.

I spent my Valentine’s Day hating my life and chatting with fellow girlfriends who hate theirs all the same. I know, I know, that last thing we’re supposed to do is sit at home and mope. Don’t worry—I didn’t sit at home. Instead, I sat in the Wal-Mart Tire & Lube Center for 4 hours after I figured out I needed a set of new tires. I went to the tire center expecting to pay $15 for a fixed flat, but instead paid $400. While I waited, I tried to read and not cry, but instead I was surrounded by crying babies, announcements over the loud-speaker, and a family next to me eating a bucket of fried chicken and bananas.

Naturally, I hung my head in shame. Even at Wal-Mart, I was surrounded with men buying hearts of chocolate and flowers and bears for their ladies. I was simply counting down the minutes until I could sip my first beer of the night.

Have you been through a tough Valentine’s Day? This year, I’m not focusing on who loves, or doesn’t love, me, but rather, who I love!

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Posted on February 9, 2012, in The Recipe and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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