Hey you! Just wanted to say thanks for another great weekend. I have fun with you whether we’re out or just at home…because you’re that cool. I’m looking forward to another visit soon. I know things might suck now but I am certain time will help in a decision that will be the best for the both of us.
In late September, I cried for the first time in a while over a fight Austin and I had. The misery was like none other I had experienced. It didn’t necessarily hurt more or less—it was just different. A huge part of me felt hurt, broken, and lost because I really felt like I gave Austin my best. I felt like I really tried to be good for him and do things for him, but in the end, I still wasn’t good enough.
It wasn’t good enough.
The first time Austin and I broke up, he left me because he didn’t have time. He wanted to work more. He said there was a certain level of comfort there. But what I knew of our relationship was one of the most comfortable, real relationships I’d ever experienced. After we broke up, I don’t know what really happened. It was my first real feeling of hopelessness toward love. Somehow, I was able to recoup and grow and move on from Adam. Then, there was Austin, who at first I felt came out of nowhere and I asked myself if this was a good time—was I ready?
I fell for Austin, hard. He did not feel the same. When he told me it was over, I was at a loss. Within one year, love had failed me twice, or rather, I had failed it. My sarcastic, witty side became bitter and unpleasant. Austin and I didn’t talk and I started dating someone new despite Austin still making calls for some reason. He said he didn’t understand why I hated him so much, but I just couldn’t be his friend—we hadn’t been friends before.
How we got to this point I was not sure. I was desperately trying to understand it all, but finding that much of it was beyond me. I was trying to move on and remind myself that he just never saw what I could offer him, he never saw me and that’s why he told me to delete him. But he said he loved me. There were so many maybes and so many possibilities that I just couldn’t sort them all.
He knew I was hurting and he was still being stubborn and trying to hurt me.
It really hurt when Austin told me to delete him and it hurt when he told me it was my fault and it hurt when he told me “I suck.” I didn’t get why he felt the need to hurt me three times, why not just one or none? Part of me thought he felt like the only way he knew how to get my attention or to get me to talk was to make me so angry that I had to call him.
In October, I was feeling better about the Austin situation since we talked about things. When we talked, we never really got anything solved, but I learned Austin didn’t mean most of what he said and he was just trying to get a reaction out of me. There was still a lot to be fixed with us, but I didn’t think I needed to necessarily be talking to him to get myself through it. It really felt good just to get an answer and to have a say in the way things were going. To spread the blame more evenly, I thought of some things that were of some use:
There was obviously a major disconnect between the things Austin and I did, or thought we did, for each other. I couldn’t seem to understand or appreciate the things Austin did for me. And vis versa, which in turn, created a large problem.
Austin and I both had very different goals in life. Most of the time, those goals didn’t seem to involve each other or even things that connected with each other—work, location, children, religion.
I just had to learn, by staying busy, that I could and would get over it. By “it” I meant Austin. It was not even about finding someone better, it was just what was right for me. I really couldn’t worry about teaching Austin a lesson or trying to prove a point to him—it wasn’t going to happen. Just because it didn’t happen didn’t mean I did something wrong, it just wasn’t the type of person he was.
Austin claimed that we were “friends” and I’d wanted it to be that way. I wasn’t going to tell him we couldn’t talk or anything like that, I was just going to have to use my own judgement. I still hadn’t saved his number back into my phone and I was planning to keep it that way. I hoped we talked some, but it was going to be different.
And I was done with Dallas.