July Journal.

July 24, 2006 {1:00 pm}

Okay, so here I am again back in the journal writing about what I know best: how someone else has broken my heart.

It’s been nearly 8 months since I was here writing about my issues with Adam. Today, it’s Austin. Yesterday, he told me he doesn’t have an emotional attachment to our physical relationship. He also reiterated to me that no, we are not dating and he doesn’t understand why I feel like I need a boyfriend. I threatened to go home in the middle of the night. I regret doing that now—it was really kind of psychotic, but I was so overwhelmed by what he had said to me after we’d just slept together: he regretted it.

I’m glad Austin feels like he can be honest with me, but he didn’t understand why I felt so upset. Just because he doesn’t like me anymore doesn’t mean I don’t like him. It’s beyond me how and when he got over me since we still hang out so much. I feel so insecure about myself now.

All along I felt like Austin was the one who still liked me and that I was in control. But in reality, I have been falling for him harder than I did the first time. I still wasn’t sure if given the chance if I would get back with him, but I know my feelings for him are strong. Austin told m the only way to get rid of my feelings for him would be to stop talking to him altogether. I know he’s probably right, but I’ve just written off so many people in my life; I just don’t want to.

I’m so happy to have him in my life right now, even though he has broken my heart; twice.

It floors me that he could sit there and tell me not to be his friend, not to talk to him. Sometimes I feel like it’s all about him. He admitted to being selfish and that’s why he can’t be in a relationship. But even throughout our “friendship” he’s been very controlling. He fails to understand why I don’t always answer his calls or why I don’t call him.