When I flew back to Louisiana, I had just as much trouble as I did getting to Indiana. My luggage was lost, again. And I could tell something was very off with Adam. I hadn’t talked to him all day, and even when I called him to tell him I made it home safely, he didn’t answer.
We went for a few weeks hardly talking. I knew something was wrong, but Adam was ignoring me at every chance he could. My heart was broken. I’d never had anything like this happen to me and it sucked—bad. Toward the end of October, my friends and family told me what was up—Adam was trying to wriggle free of our relationship without properly dumping me.
I was in school, writing a regular relationship column, working on a sex radio show, and my relationship was ripping at the seams. I tried my best to keep moving, live my life as best I could, and write a weekly column that wouldn’t reflect my current heartbreak. One of those columns included a topic of pickup lines.
Adam didn’t like that one bit. What happened afterward I can gather from a journal entry:
November 1, 2005 {11:05 pm}
It’s been over a day since I talked to Adam {3 pm yesterday}. He sent me a text around 12:25 last night, but it was mean and I took it as the perfect opportunity to grab a chance at the upper hand. I’m going to try and go six more days with no contact—texting, e-mail, phone—none.
Sometimes, it just feels wrong to want Adam to see that I haven’t called or texted him and hope he’ll feel like an asshole.
I know I just want him to feel as bad as I did—and still do. I want him to realize how serious I am—and he should feel what it would be like to be without me—because that’s what I’ve been feeling.
I just need to think positive and know that I can and will get through whatever it may be. The thing is, if I did get to talk to Adam, I’m not sure what I’d say…school: that I have two tests and about three papers coming up. How excited I am that we put up Christmas trees at work and that A&F has their new line out 🙂
I’d tell him that my radio show is finally starting—I met my coworkers and toured the studio…
And that I finally met Jenna’s Rhode Island boyfriend!
I’d say that’d be enough…I won’t call—I’m going straight to sleep.
Saturday, November 12 {7:40 pm}
So I went my week without any contact with Adam. Some days were harder than others, but I made it! I didn’t know what to do after the week was over though, because I thought he would’ve called after three or four days. I’m getting scared that he still hasn’t. So, on the 8th day {Tuesday}, I talked to him on AOL. Neither of us said much, it was pretty awkward—no “I miss you” or anything affectionate.
Everyone’s telling me to move on, but it’s not that easy. I have such a history with Adam that makes it impossible to just write him off. However, I’m worried we’re approaching a point of no return…I love Adam so much, and I really miss him, but I’ve been so sad and he’s being so mean to me. If things don’t change soon, I can’t just go back home for Christmas Break and be okay with the way he treated me.
It’s impossible for me to know what Adam’s thinking because he doesn’t tell me anything.
I’m so sad.
Today’s probably a day I’ve missed him most in the past two weeks. Our 5 month was on the 5th, but it’s been a month since we really talked.
If I got to talk to Adam right now…
I’d tell him that A&F finally stopped working me so much and that I’m really starting to like my job there. I’d tell him I recorded my first Sex 1001 show Friday and my co-host’s name is Adam, ironically.
And that KLSU started putting ads for the show in the Reveille.
Also, that everyone at LSU thinks I “got burned” because of the last column I wrote…
And that I miss him and I that I love him. And I wish he knew it…that I’d love to spend the night on the phone with him.
Damn.
I couldn’t forget to tell him that I tried to go see Meriwether last night instead of going to Semi-Formal, but after I got there, Ginger threw ice at me, so we left.
Because when it rains, it pours.
I’m still going to try and not talk to him—as difficult as that is. It’s his turn.
Saturday, November 19 {11:50 am}
Well, here I am one week later with nothing good to report. I still haven’t heard from Adam and I’m starting to crumble. I was doing so well with the no talking thing but then the more I think of it the more angry I started to get because I don’t get how he can just sit there and truly believe that I’m okay with the way he’s treated me for the past 5 weeks.
I understand that its hard to talk because we end up fighting, but Adam says if we just “small talk” then it’s fake. Which means he doesn’t have a genuine interest in my life or my school or work anymore which I hope is untrue.
Last Sunday, Sheena talked to Adam because she wants to drive me home—except I didn’t know if he was still planning on going. So she talked to him and he acted like everything was cool, saying that he knows for sure I’m more committed to this relationship than he is and that he hadn’t talked to me in a long time, but he just assumed he was still coming to get me…what the fuck?
How can he honestly feel like everything’s cool? The only thing I can think is that he really feels like I’m a pushover and that since I’ve let guys treat me like shit in the past, I’ll still put up with it. Nope.
So then I decided to fuck it and I changed my Facebook profile to “single”—not because I want to date anyone else, but I hoped it would wake Adam up and just make him see that I’m not feeling as good about him as I did a month ago.
I still don’t want to lose him but I am starting to see the bigger picture.
- Adam’s family has such an influence on him. Most of the time, I’d post this as a good thing, but it’s definitely bad when no one in his family likes me—for some unknown reason.
- The thing is, my family based their opinion on Adam on how I felt when I was with him, which before was great. But now, my family knows how bad I’ve been feeling, so if this were to turn around, Adam would really have to win them over.
So after I got angry with Adam, I made a real hasty move and left him a message that said if I didn’t hear from him Sunday, then it’s over because I’m tired of the games.
He never wrote back.
And that was Thursday around 12. I know it was dumb to leave him a text, but I knew he wouldn’t answer his phone. I called him later when I got off work, but he didn’t answer.
So maybe the ultimatum was extreme, but I really am sick of waiting around. I’m ready to move on—not in a sense that I want to date someone else, just that I need to heal and be my single-self again—the Holly who knows guys are assholes and the Holly who’s crazy and funny and wild—the Holly who’s happy and content being single.
I love Adam, but I definitely don’t love the way he’s been treating me.
I don’t think Adam will call me by Sunday—which means it’ll be over, but I won’t full know. I’ll be going through the motions but it won’t really set in…
The Bitter Lemon 