Monthly Archives: November 2010
In late October, Austin and I got into a pretty heated fight (big shocker, I know). He was coming into town for Thanksgiving the following month and I told him it would be a good time for us to meet each other’s parents—my mom was coming in town to cook with me and he was going to stay at his parents’ place in town.
He didn’t think it was a good idea, saying that his parents didn’t like meeting people on holidays or some load of complete bullshit. It really pissed me off that he would be in the same city as me, but wouldn’t be able to find time to see me, or if he did, it would be on his terms. Although it hurt my feelings, it really helped me put things into perspective.
I was casually seeing someone new, and slowly pushing Austin out of the picture. And then, he sent me a Thanksgiving card that was completely odd:
GET DECKED OUT
And have a great Thanksgiving!
I hope this card brightens your day! is that a smile on your face? Good! These past couple of weeks I have been thinking. I know you are going through a lot of stress right now, so I’m gonna try my best to be support for you rather than a headache! I’m also gonna stop asking questions about your future! See, now aren’t you happy? Well one main purpose of this card was to wish you a happy Thanksgiving. I hope you realize how lucky you are to have a friend like me. I hope you truly are thankful this Thanksgiving! Ha ha, I couldn’t help it! On a serious note, I want you to know that I am truly blessed to have someone like you in my life, you make me laugh on my shittiest day! That means so much to me. You also put up with all of my bullshit. OK, enough about me and how much better you are! I hope this card has brightened your day, made you laugh, made you cry, brought you down for a second only to lift you back up forever…wow that was pretty cheesy! As you can see, I need some help writing, maybe you can start proofreading my cards! Well have a GREAT day Holly, you are an amazing and extraordinary person!
When Thanksgiving actually came around, I didn’t see or talk to Austin despite us being in the same city. I spent time with someone new. Months passed and I distanced myself from Austin—the more time went on, I realized just how wrong he was for me, but I hadn’t had my moment of clarity just yet.
In early February, Austin told me he was coming to Baton Rouge on behalf of his job. They wanted him to represent their company at the LSU job fair. I thought it was cool that he would be in town, but a previous fight we’d had came to the surface—both times I’d been to Dallas, I paid for the flights by myself, which was fine, but I felt like he needed to visit Baton Rouge on his dime.
He said I was being petty, that he was coming in town to see me—but in reality, he was getting a free trip and he was coming in town to represent his job. Regardless, he asked if he could stay with me and I said it was okay. I was still bartending and had to work happy hour the day he flew in town. He made plans to meet me at the bar at 7p.m., and have a few drinks before I got off work.
That morning, I wasn’t excited to see Austin. I was worried I had made the wrong decision in agreeing to letting him stay at my house. I’d already slept with someone new, who I really liked, and I didn’t want to mess that up. I didn’t even know if I wanted to see Austin at all.
But I kept my word, decided to face my demons, and go to work. Before I knew it, 8 o’clock rolled around and no word from Austin. He was an hour late. I still had one more hour of work left, so I kept at it.
But my mind started buzzing and before I knew it, my blood was boiling. This was a perfect example of everything our relationship had been since it’s beginning. Everything was always on Austin’s watch, no matter what. I was done. I was sick of being treated like shit, being second best to everything. I stared at the door, praying he wouldn’t arrive. When happy hour ended, I counted my drawer as fast as I could.
“On my way, don’t leave,” he texted.
Two hours late, and that’s what he had to say? I grabbed my purse, my coat, and ran to my car, hopped inside and sped home like a bat out of hell. He didn’t know where I lived, so once I pulled onto my street, I breathed a sigh of relief. I got inside my apartment, locked the doors, and sat in my bed laughing my ass off.
It was the greatest moment I’d felt in all of dating breakups. I’d finally felt the light switch. Austin called and texted me all night, to which I didn’t answer or respond. He was at the bar, with his suitcase, and nowhere to stay.
When my friends heard the story, they thought I was a little mean. But I didn’t care. Austin had treated me like shit for years and he finally got what was coming to him. With Austin, nothing I ever said resonated. So I had to show instead of tell. Keeping my mouth shut was the best thing I ever did for that relationship.
I didn’t talk to Austin for more than a year. One Sunday evening, he sent me a text message saying he wanted to talk. I was in love with someone else, doing great in my job, and had moved on. So, I agreed to talk to him.
We talked on the phone about our work and he asked me about my dating situation. I told him I was happy with someone new, and we’d been together for a year. Austin told me he just ended a six-month relationship with the woman he thought he was going to marry.
He told me this story, saying he went and dated a girl I told him to date—someone who didn’t cuss, was religious, didn’t drink, and wore clothes that covered her. They lived an hour away from each other, but spent every weekend together. Austin was ready to propose, so he took the last step—flying her to New Orleans to meet his family.
He was excited for her to see all of the things he loved about New Orleans: the food, the music, but most of all, the booze. But when the plane landed, she had other things in mind. She pulled out a list of antique stores and old plantation homes she wanted to visit. So that’s what they did. She even took Austin to get his photo taken, dressed in old clothing, her holding a parasol.
When it came time to visit Austin’s New Orleans, the French Quarter, she didn’t dance, she didn’t drink. Austin said he thought of me.
“We used to just laugh, Holly. We had fun. And she didn’t make me laugh,” he said.
Austin wanted a second chance. But I told him no, and offered him the best of luck finding someone just like me.
Hey you! Just wanted to say thanks for another great weekend. I have fun with you whether we’re out or just at home…because you’re that cool. I’m looking forward to another visit soon. I know things might suck now but I am certain time will help in a decision that will be the best for the both of us.
In late September, I cried for the first time in a while over a fight Austin and I had. The misery was like none other I had experienced. It didn’t necessarily hurt more or less—it was just different. A huge part of me felt hurt, broken, and lost because I really felt like I gave Austin my best. I felt like I really tried to be good for him and do things for him, but in the end, I still wasn’t good enough.
It wasn’t good enough.
The first time Austin and I broke up, he left me because he didn’t have time. He wanted to work more. He said there was a certain level of comfort there. But what I knew of our relationship was one of the most comfortable, real relationships I’d ever experienced. After we broke up, I don’t know what really happened. It was my first real feeling of hopelessness toward love. Somehow, I was able to recoup and grow and move on from Adam. Then, there was Austin, who at first I felt came out of nowhere and I asked myself if this was a good time—was I ready?
I fell for Austin, hard. He did not feel the same. When he told me it was over, I was at a loss. Within one year, love had failed me twice, or rather, I had failed it. My sarcastic, witty side became bitter and unpleasant. Austin and I didn’t talk and I started dating someone new despite Austin still making calls for some reason. He said he didn’t understand why I hated him so much, but I just couldn’t be his friend—we hadn’t been friends before.
How we got to this point I was not sure. I was desperately trying to understand it all, but finding that much of it was beyond me. I was trying to move on and remind myself that he just never saw what I could offer him, he never saw me and that’s why he told me to delete him. But he said he loved me. There were so many maybes and so many possibilities that I just couldn’t sort them all.
He knew I was hurting and he was still being stubborn and trying to hurt me.
It really hurt when Austin told me to delete him and it hurt when he told me it was my fault and it hurt when he told me “I suck.” I didn’t get why he felt the need to hurt me three times, why not just one or none? Part of me thought he felt like the only way he knew how to get my attention or to get me to talk was to make me so angry that I had to call him.
In October, I was feeling better about the Austin situation since we talked about things. When we talked, we never really got anything solved, but I learned Austin didn’t mean most of what he said and he was just trying to get a reaction out of me. There was still a lot to be fixed with us, but I didn’t think I needed to necessarily be talking to him to get myself through it. It really felt good just to get an answer and to have a say in the way things were going. To spread the blame more evenly, I thought of some things that were of some use:
There was obviously a major disconnect between the things Austin and I did, or thought we did, for each other. I couldn’t seem to understand or appreciate the things Austin did for me. And vis versa, which in turn, created a large problem.
Austin and I both had very different goals in life. Most of the time, those goals didn’t seem to involve each other or even things that connected with each other—work, location, children, religion.
I just had to learn, by staying busy, that I could and would get over it. By “it” I meant Austin. It was not even about finding someone better, it was just what was right for me. I really couldn’t worry about teaching Austin a lesson or trying to prove a point to him—it wasn’t going to happen. Just because it didn’t happen didn’t mean I did something wrong, it just wasn’t the type of person he was.
Austin claimed that we were “friends” and I’d wanted it to be that way. I wasn’t going to tell him we couldn’t talk or anything like that, I was just going to have to use my own judgement. I still hadn’t saved his number back into my phone and I was planning to keep it that way. I hoped we talked some, but it was going to be different.
And I was done with Dallas.
Toward the end of July, I had a bit of a meltdown. I hadn’t really talked to Austin much since I got home from Dallas. So I assumed he would never talk to me again. Everything he was doing I was applying it to my fear and I finally broke down. I thought about what the fuck I would do without Austin. What if we never talked? I really didn’t think I could do that again. He was such a big part of my life—even though we were so far apart. He was my best friend.
So there I was, sitting on my couch, moping, thinking about how miserable I’d be without him. Finally we talked and we just hadn’t talked because he’d been really busy at work. When I’d explained how scared I was, he reassured me that would not happen.
I wanted to move on so bad, but my heart wouldn’t let me. I had so much built up baggage and I thought that was why we fought. I was so terrified of getting close to him, it was like I went through all the motions, but I was scared to put my heart in it. I knew we could be good together if I just shook the fears.
But I didn’t have it all figured out yet.
It was mid-August. I was in Texas, at the airport, on my way to Los Angeles for the first time.
The week before my trip was a roller coaster, as several men from my past contacted me for random reasons. I got a job offer at Duvic’s bartending and Guess offered me a job also—I accepted both, but had yet to work out the details. I also had a shift in the way I felt for Austin and my thoughts on moving to Dallas.
Everything all started when my mom came to Baton Rouge to help me move. Angela sent me some texts saying she was depressed and that her parents felt moving to Los Angeles was a bad decision—that she shouldn’t go because she needs to stop screwing up her life. So I told my mom about it and she started freaking out, saying why does it matter because I shouldn’t be moving anywhere just to be with someone and I need to find a job and do my own thing. So of course then I was pissed because I couldn’t even explain my side to her. So I call the only person left: Austin.
Needless to say, he didn’t make anything better. He said to go with what my mom said because it’s more important what you do from 9-5 then what you do afterward. He said if there were people he knew in Dallas then he would be miserable because he works so much and would never get to go see them. Basically, right then I decided to stop looking for jobs in Dallas.
I thought after we saw each other he would take things more seriously—that if I moved to Dallas it wouldn’t be just for work, it would be for him. I felt like if I moved there, Austin would just be like, “oh cool there’s someone I know here.” It would be different if the opportunities there were the same as elsewhere, but they really aren’t—maybe in Austin, Texas but not in Dallas. I knew there’s PR anywhere, but not for music.
I started to notice Austin wasn’t hesistant to tell me about going out and the girls he met. I knew my next trip to Dallas needed to be my last. If I kept going there it was going to be harder to get away from Austin and his bullshit. I was trying to make him out to be someone he wasn’t. I really wanted to tell him why I stopped looking for Dallas jobs, but I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance, simply because we never had talks like that. But if he didn’t care—then he didn’t care—and I couldn’t make someone care. My only hope was that things in Los Angeles went well so I could at least work toward something.
I’d flown alone many times before, but never to a place where I didn’t know anyone. I’d never been further west than Chicago. I boarded my plane, headed to LAX, and felt pretty relaxed on the large flight. We even got a meal since the flight was so long.
But as we started to descend, when the captain said we would be arriving at LAX in 20 minutes, the truth hit me—I was flying into a city where I knew no one. No one would be there to pick me up, I’d be staying in the hotel alone.
Thankfully, my luggage was waiting for me and I caught a shuttle to my hotel, which was downtown. I remember riding on the shuttle with my mouth hanging open—I was in total awe of the sights, the actual city that I’d seen so much on TV and in movies, riding on the Pacific Coast Highway.
I arrived at my hotel, a beautiful Los Angeles landmark, checked in, and gawked at the view from the room. I could see the entire city. I called Josh, the person I was there to see in the first place, and he told me the plans for the night. I was to meet him in West Hollywood at the Knitting Factory to see a band he did PR for. The facts were settling in for him, too—”do you know where to go?” he asked.
“Umm, no, this is my first time here!”
He told me where to go and to meet him at 11. I left the hotel and went for a walk, grabbed some dinner before coming back to the hotel to get ready. I caught the metro, unsure of where to get off. I spotted a few young girls in a seat near me and told them where I needed to be.
“That’s our stop, too. We’ll show you.”
I wondered where they were going—they couldn’t have been older than 13, riding the Los Angeles metro late at night. I figured they were going to a friends’ house for a slumber party. We left the train, walked up some stairs, right onto Hollywood Blvd. I was stunned.
There were lights! Mann’s Chinese Theatre!
The girls spotted the Knitting Factory and walked me inside—now THIS was cool. I saw evidence of old LA, the punk side of it in the big hair and white denim on the club-goers. Immediately, Josh found me and introduced me to his wife. I ordered myself a drink, and the music started.
Everyone I met was wheeling and dealing, handing out business cards, and finding my situation very unique—girl from Indiana moves to Louisiana, comes to California alone.
By the time the concert was over, I’d missed the last train downtown, so Josh grabbed me a taxi and I had rousing conversation with the taxi driver as he took me back to my hotel. Once I made it inside, I crashed—it was 4am in Baton Rouge.
The next day, I was supposed to meet Josh fairly early at his office, back in West Hollywood. Of course, I got mixed up on the metro and arrived late. His office was on Sunset Blvd, where they were taping an episode of MTV’s “Next.” Josh took me to Playboy radio, where one of his clients was set to do an interview—I remember the tattoo on her arm: Jack Nicholson peering through a broken bathroom door from his famous scene in The Shining.
While the offices at Playboy radio weren’t anything glamorous, I was jealous of their jobs. Hosting shows an hour-long, then leaving for the day, only coming in wearing velour track suits. After the radio show, we hopped into Josh’s BMW, and headed over to eat lunch at a burrito shop, where we talked some.
When I left Josh’s office, I wandered around West Hollywood for a bit. It was my last night in California and I wanted to make the most of the next day. My last day in Los Angeles, I got a call from Duvic’s wanting me to work that night. I told them I was in California, and they made a date for my first night.
I took the metro back to Hollywood and did the Celebrity Homes tour, walked the Academy walk, checked out the Hollywood stars on the sidewalk, and went to Virgin Records. Then, I had to catch my flight back to Louisiana.
Before my trip to Dallas, Austin and I got into another fight. We talked on the phone one day when clearly, we should not have. He was being a dick because I didn’t call him when he wanted me to. So when I said I’d let him go so he could work, he got pissed. It made me remember why we broke up and why I wasn’t always happy during our relationship.
My plan was to ignore him the rest of the day, but of course I didn’t. I told him I was excited about my interview at Duvic’s the next day—a job I’d wanted for a long time—and he said, “Oh my God, why would you want to work there? It’s trashy.” I was starting to notice a trend with Austin that he couldn’t just be happy for me. So then I unleashed on him saying that I wasn’t even going to answer the phone because he was such a dick to me the day before.
He, naturally, claimed he wasn’t and that I needed to chill out because I was just being a bitch. I said I was sick of hearing him complain about how much he hated talking on the phone because if he didn’t want to call me then DON’T CALL ME! He said I should realize how much he wanted to talk to me since he still called even though he hated talking on the phone. I said I didn’t want him to do anything he didn’t want to do, so he said he’d let me go and that was the end of that.
At that moment, I decided to limit the amount of time I talked to Austin, and headed off to work.
A few days later, I was packed for my big move into a new condo with two of my friends. Although things with Austin continued to be rocky, I was packed and ready for Dallas. I figured we just needed to see each other in person, finally.
My coworkers were advising me not to sleep with Austin during my trip. I agreed with them. I felt like Austin and I were both just waiting for one of us to find someone new. My plan was to just get to Dallas and have fun, while trying not to analyze everything.
I had a lot on the horizon: a trip to Dallas, a trip to Los Angeles—both would be telling of my future.
A week later, I was in the Houston airport, writing notes on a new pad of paper that had red chili peppers around the edges. I had just finished my weekend in Dallas and was waiting to get back to New Orleans.
After a fun weekend, I was very sad to leave Austin. I had been wrong about so many things.
I ended up really loving Dallas when I thought I wouldn’t really care. The whole trip was a reality check. I thought I wasn’t really going to be excited to see Austin or even sad to leave him, but I definitely was. We definitely have our moments—the good and of course the bad. I was so proud of Austin for moving somewhere new, finding a great job and a nice apartment. I was already trying to figure out when I could get back to Dallas.
We did so many fun things. Before I went on the trip, I was so worried about having a talk with him to clear things up. I was so worried about figuring out what the big picture was: why did he really want me to move there? Why did he call me? How did he truly feel? Did he love me? Did he want to marry me? But instead of having a talk with Austin, my time in Dallas answered most of these questions on their own. I may not have known if he loved me or wanted to marry me but I didn’t think he would do all of these things for me if he didn’t sincerely care for me.
The distance really sucked. We missed out on doing the little things together. As I thought about how much fun we had that weekend—we could’ve had that every weekend if we were near each other.
But we used to be in the same city and we didn’t spend much time together.
Of course, not every long-distance relationship can be “real” in that aspect. I felt like a lot of long-distance relationships were based on missing each other. Often the time spent together was short and blissful since both partners missed each other for so long.
But I thought a few things had changed about Austin. He was really sweet. He paid for everything and made me dinner. He opened doors for me.
Maybe that was just another thing that I had to leave up to time. Time would tell if LA was right for me. Time would tell if Austin and I were meant to be with each other. If I lost Austin, of course I would be devastated. But I had to remember that it all boiled down to reason. No matter what happened I could remember that weekend as a really great, fun time. It definitely was not a waste and I wanted to go back as soon as I could.
I got Austin some cards when I went looking for a notebook and pen, in the airport. I got him one that said “thanks” and the front had a giant frog wearing rain boots and holding flowers. I was going to send it to him the following day. The other one I got was sweet. I would send it out at the end of the week. There was a possibility that a lot of the things I wanted to tell Austin, but didn’t know how or want to hear his immediate reaction—I could tell him through writing.
There I was stuck in an airport, alone. My flight was delayed because of bad weather. I was tired and lonely.
Two hours later, on my flight home, I wrote my cards to Austin:
Just wanted to say thanks again for inviting me to Dallas. I had a great time with you—better than I could have imagined. I’m so glad I came, it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Dallas impressed me and I’m hoping to make it back soon.
Miss you even more than before.
* * *
In my mind, it played out as follows: I’d arrive in Dallas, see you, have some fun. We’d talk and decide that the distance blows. I’d leave, unimpressed with the city and maybe wonder what would become of this relationship of ours. Because, after all, I was going to LA.
I was wrong. Instead, I really liked Dallas and was again reminded of how much I love spending time with you. I don’t know what’s in store for me in LA…nor do I know what’s in store for us. But I do know I won’t rule out Dallas any time soon.
Hang in there!
Shortly after my 22nd birthday, school and work were really taking up my time and energy, and I was really stressed out over my summer school classes.
But since I was so busy, I didn’t have much social time. Most of my girlfriends had boyfriends or didn’t have time or money to go out, which often left me hanging out alone. I fell into a rut of cooking myself dinner and then taking myself to a movie, before coming home to study. Sometimes, it was nice being alone, but I knew I needed some social interaction.
Austin and I were talking a lot and things were going well. There were only two weeks left until we got to see each other. I was really excited to see him, but I was scared, too. I loved talking to him on the phone, but I was being reminded of my days with Adam. Since we weren’t in the same state, we couldn’t do those little things together, like run errands or grab lunch. Austin and I were lonely, and I wondered if our miseries were just clinging to each other.
Austin had met a few guys through his job and was starting to go out a little bit. I wanted him to make friends, but I was curious to know if he was meeting girls and possibly sleeping with them. Although him and I weren’t exclusive, I didn’t feel like I was in a position to ask him about it. I knew there was no way I could smoothly ask, “Sooooo did you meet any cute girls tonight?” I knew it would only come across as jealousy, because it was.
At the same time, I felt in control since I wasn’t telling Austin about any guys in my life, because there were none. I started to worry that I was respecting Austin too much by not putting myself out there. But I was going to wait until our visit to see how I felt. He said he wanted to have a “talk” when I got to Dallas. Depending on what we talked about, I knew I didn’t want to be the one waiting on his calls and avoiding dates if he wasn’t doing the same for me.
The other part of the conflict was the whole me-moving-to-Dallas idea. I was extremely flattered that he was thinking about it, and even more excited that he was telling me. The problem was, I didn’t want to move to Dallas. I hadn’t been there yet, but I had wanted to live in Los Angeles my entire life. I had a job lead there and had been searching for apartments online.
The other half of the problem was premature, but of course I’d been thinking about it. If I couldn’t agree to move to Dallas, where would the relationship go? It wasn’t fair because I would be sacrificing my dream of living in Los Angeles, but I knew Austin would not see it that way.
I knew the best thing for me to do at that point was to stick to my original plan to work, graduate, move to Los Angeles and see what would be there for me. I thought Austin was a great guy, but I wanted to leave it up to fate.
That same week, I had a dream about Eddie and Paige. In my dream, they came into Abercrombie and said hey to me. Although that was pretty much the gist of it, it was a setback. It made me wonder why the whole thing with Eddie happened in the first place. I wondered what he was doing. I began to miss the fun we had together.
Summer has always been a hard time for me to be single. I dated Adam over the summer and then Eddie. I had many summer flings, including Zach. That summer combined with my extreme loneliness was bad for me. It made me desperate for company and it made me miss Adam and Eddie.
I needed to go on a date, bad. One night I asked Austin if we were still having that “talk” he mentioned the week before. Of course, typical Austin, said he never said we were going to have a talk, but that he was just going to convince me to move to Dallas instead of LA.
Later that night, Austin called me and we had a meaningless conversation. He had me on speaker phone for the whole conversation, which was annoying because I could hear myself talk but could barely hear him. He was making and eating dinner while we talked, which was okay, but it made me feel like he could barely fit me into his busy schedule, and I knew Austin was not that busy.
During our conversation, he started to get rude. Austin was making fun of me for organizing my closet and shit. Sometimes I seriously wanted to be like, look dude I am not the loser here. So out of nowhere he was like “well I have to go take the trash out so that means I have to get off the phone.” Like we were in the middle of a fucking conversation! So he can tell I’m pissed and his defense is that we had been on the phone for one hour. I was thinking wow, what’s it to you because you haven’t even been paying attention. So he said he’d call me the next day during his lunch and I just hung up on him.
I wasn’t going to answer my phone if he called me. Not to be a total bitch about it, but if he didn’t want to fucking call me, then don’t call me. Because I didn’t want to hear the fucking bitching. If you’re going to do something, then go balls out, don’t half-ass it.
A week later, I cried on my drive home from work. I felt like I’d cried so much that summer, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. I had several things pulling me down. I was still excited to see Austin, but my fears were growing worse. Whenever I had flown to see a guy, he’d left me. This had happened on several occasions, Adam, Nik, Gabe…
I couldn’t handle Austin leaving me. The weekend before, we went two days without talking—the longest we’d gone since he left, and I was devastated. The thought of never talking to him again was miserable. We’d grown really close in the last month. I felt really good about the way things were going; Austin was my best friend.
But I was still scared.
There were things I was afraid to tell Austin. I felt pressure to “go with it” since we were so far away and we were not dating. But my heart couldn’t just go with it. I was trying so hard not to fall for him, harder than ever before. I was so afraid of getting hurt from him, again. I was afraid of getting hurt by anyone.
Austin had already talked to me about his loneliness, saying he wished someone was there when he got home from work. But he didn’t just want anybody. He talked to me about moving to Dallas over Los Angeles. I laughed to keep my heart out of it, but I couldn’t lie, and say I hadn’t thought about it.
But his excuse was, “you’ll be closer to me.”
I couldn’t move somewhere that wasn’t where I really wanted to be just to be near someone who wasn’t my boyfriend, could I?
What I was most afraid of was getting used to Austin’s calls. We hadn’t talked everyday like that since we’d been dating. I just wished he’d tell me more, but I figured he was afraid.
I was too, but not of that.
I was still afraid he’d meet that Dallas girl, whoever she would be. I was scared the only reason he was talking to me was because he had no other girl. He said he didn’t realize what he had until he lost it, but who knew?
I thought the trip to Dallas would tell me a lot, so I need to stick it out until then, and we’d be able to talk it out in person.