Every year, when the holidays roll closer, I feel a sense of dread.
It’s not unlike Charlie Brown’s dilemma in “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” “I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.”
For years, I thought my feeling of doom around the holidays was simply part of growing up — Christmas as a kid was stress-free! Santa! Cookies! Gifts! No School!
As an adult, Christmas is a strain on the wallet, a very busy schedule, there are end-of-year work responsibilities, etc. It’s not always easy navigating this time of year.
Last night, I was working on a diamond painting (my anxiety project) while listening to hours of John Mayer’s XM station. While taking a call, he said he stopped putting up a Christmas tree because it highlighted whatever emotions he was having a the time, and it was typically loneliness.
Bam. I’d never heard it described like that, but I resonated with it, HARD. Although it’s not loneliness I feel during the holidays; it’s more of a burden than anything.
In college, getting home for the holidays was a financial burden. Paying $500 for a flight home was a lot, especially when I was working part time making $5.25/hour. The few times I did go home, it felt like I was only in the way, and not welcome.
So, I stopped going home. Home became wherever I was, and at times, that’s been with friends and their families, or boyfriends’ families. Sometimes it was being at my apartment with my cat.
There have been periods of my life I’ve been embarrassed by this, but that’s something I’m working on. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand or explain why I don’t feel welcome with my own family, and carrying the weight of it is something I’m too tired for these days.
In the last several years, the holiday burden is less about finances (although I’ve felt that, too), but it’s navigating painful family matters that have festered over the last decade+.
When I traveled to Indiana last month for a funeral, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I’m alone.
Not alone in a sense of wishing for a partner, but I’d asked for help in planning my way to Indiana, and got silence and pity.
The victory of making the 16+ hour drive (each way) on my own (with kitty Blanche in the back), finding a safe hotel for us, and living out of it for a week, was not enough to counter the fact that my own blood family didn’t care enough to help.
I realize this probably sounds whiney, but I’m someone who’s gone out of my way to help others. I’ve hosted Christmas in my 500 square-foot apartment for seven years, and have always offered my home to family. What’s mine is yours, even if I have very little.
And, I’ve been living in a fog thinking that same care was waiting for me when I needed it.
So, as this holiday season approached, I felt over it. I didn’t want to put up a tree, certainly didn’t want to host, didn’t even want to buy gifts.
But, I also didn’t want to turn into a Scrooge (despite his amazing style). So, on my long drive home from Indiana, I wondered about the right way to approach the holiday when it may not feel so happy.
My first thought was to do only the things I really wanted to do — simple, affordable things that would bring me joy. So, I put together a checklist:
The list includes some obvious activities, such as watching Christmas movies and baking festive cookies. But, there’s also some activities that simply bring me comfort, like taking a bath using a “sugar plum” bath bomb or listening to Andy Cohen’s Holiday Hangout.
With about 10 days until Christmas, I’ve crossed off half the items on the list, and can easily tackle the rest (and if I don’t, that’s ok!).
My shift at the food bank is next week, the Holiday Hangout is tomorrow, and I’m baking cookies this weekend!
Creating this little paper list for myself made me realize that there’s no way I was the only one feeling like this. So, I created a list for the Etsy Shop:
Obviosuly anyone facing a difficult holiday season likely has personal experiences that will shape what they may want on their “Comfort and Joy” list.
But, I tried to think of generic activities that anyone could do, such as “Find your reason for the season” and “Give yourself grace.”
I’m also really proud to say that this checklist benefits others in pain; all the proceeds from this list will go to Flatwater, which provides mental health therapy in the wake of cancer.
This holiday season, I feel like I’m finally being honest about my situation. While things are generally fine and good, I’m recovering from a tough year. I’ve been through a lot, and I’m having some tough realizations, but I’m facing them, and I’m finding pockets of joy by helping others and giving my mind and body rest.
I’m grateful for my health, very grateful for my job, and am really trying to use this time of year to reflect and reset for what’s coming in 2024.
If you’re feeling heavy this season, my heart goes out to you. May you find bits of cheer where you can; even if it’s “right within your heart.”
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