#FAIL: ‘Beauty & the Beast’.

The Beast and Belle step onto the dance floor.

Although I was ready to see the remake of “Beauty and the Beast” during its premier weekend, I somehow stuck things out and saw it last night at the Drafthouse.

I’ll just get this out of the way now: it’s not worth rushing to see. That’s right, it’s mediocre, at best. Honestly, where do I even start?

I’ll start with the fact that Disney needed to decide whether or not this was a movie for children. Originally, this fairy tale (created long before Disney) is probably not safe for children. After all, we’re talking about a woman falling in love with a BEAST.

But the cartoon version Disney created made it much easier for us to suspend reality and possible even look at the Beast with gentle eyes. Not in the remake. He’s a hairy, matted beast, with a nasty attitude. But don’t worry, because Disney tossed in a fuck ton of slapstick humor (think: the Beast in makeup), for the kids.

And I get it, many real-life movies ask us to suspend reality before the movie even begins. Heck, that’s why we love going to the movies so much! But in order for a true escape to happen, all of the details must be in order. I’ll come back to this in a second.

The cartoon version of this flick is a musical, so I guess the formula was to keep the same song and dance numbers in this version – I mean you have to have “Be Our Guest” – but none of it was good. The singing was weak (sorry, Emma Watson), and there was no dancing. Even “Be Our Guest” had a more serious tone to it.

In general, this film lacked magic. Despite all of the special effects Disney has their grubby paws on, they didn’t use much of it for this film – minus one scene where gold is sprinkled onto Belle’s dress (probably an ode to Donald Trump, for the Republicans in the audience). It’s weak – especially in the age of “Fantastic Beasts”, which had my jaw on the floor the entire time.

Finally, I’ll mention wardrobe. All of Belle’s outfits were disappointing (that yellow prom dress from 1999 deserves a Joan Rivers’ rip on “Fashion Police”), while the Beast showed out in his winter coat and his ballroom blue – but that doesn’t make up for the fact that he was wearing a shredded afghan for half the film.

Riddle me this… so Disney wanted to update the cartoon version, but they actually didn’t update it. They just made it with actual people, who lack stage presence. Yes, they added a few different scenes, but they added nothing to the point or entertainment of the movie.

Disney made the ultimate mistakes of amateur writers: they give us no reason to like the Beast (he was a dick before turning into a beast and he’s still a dick AS the beast), and they didn’t keep up with consistency in details (such as, why is Belle complaining about her provincial life when she isn’t living one?).

The two things I liked about this movie? Lumiere’s shoes, and the storyline among the “objects” – they were much more aware of their lifespan as the rose petals fell, than what we saw in the cartoon. It made for an interesting twist.

I am also really happy I saw this at the Drafthouse because they had a themed milkshake called “Pudding en Flambe”, which was vanilla ice cream, chocolate pudding, and flambeed strawberries, and it was DELICIOUS. So good. It was worth the $12 I paid for the ticket and the $10 for the shake and tip. Hey, be our guest!

I know so many people who loved this movie, and I know that I’m critical when it comes to films and writing, and even song and dance. I was sad to be disappointed by this one, but I can’t ignore mediocrity, especially when it’s a film that’s going to make a ton of cash.

Even Roger Ebert’s site agrees with me and says the additions did little for the story, and that it lacks performance. But, they still awarded it 3 stars because no one wants to be on Disney’s bad side.

Meh, I’ll be the first. And I’ll bring my “Pudding en Flambe” shake with me when they banish me to the Beast’s dungeon.

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