You should just be yourself, right now you’re someone else.

And I know when that hotline bling...
And I know when that hotline bling…

The following was written based on memories (many of which involve vodka). Names have been changed to protect the author. Catch up on parts one, twothree, and four here.  

Eric’s message was loaded, and it upset me so much, it was difficult to unpack. But let’s do it, right here:

  1. I was not jumping to any conclusions, I just said that I thought I deserved a real apology, given that we’d known each other for half our lives, and given that I was indeed human, with real feelings.
  2. The last time I called him, he didn’t answer it, so why would keep calling? Also, is it my responsibility to call anyone and everyone that I haven’t heard from to just see what they’re up to? No.
  3. What he’s “ been going through lately” – while I would never wish any ill upon him, whatever he’d been going through (which he never told me) that day, or that week, was no excuse for how he treated me… IN JANUARY. So, come correct.
  4. Saying you’ve cut off everyone, not just me, is not a compliment. It is also a choice. And it’s also rude. If you’re in a position to cut everyone off, it’s time to seek counseling, and as a therapy patient myself, I say that as truth, not as an insult.

He told me later he’d cut everyone off just to focus on work. Again, that’s a choice. If you’re surrounded by good friends, who are trying to pull you up, don’t ignore their efforts. I’m a firm believer in focusing on work when things go to shit; but eventually, everything will catch up, and you’ve got to deal with the matters at hand.

In a different text, he said one additional thing that pissed me off more than anything else.

He said, “Putting all of the blame on me isn’t warranted. You didn’t exactly try to keep it going, either.”

If he wanted to play the blame game, fine. Put all of the blame on me. I do not give a flying fuck who is to blame. The fact is, it ended in a way that I felt was disrespectful, and I wanted an apology.

And no, I didn’t try to keep it going, because there’s no way to keep something going when nothing is happening. I can’t keep texting someone who doesn’t reply; keep calling someone who doesn’t answer; or keep caring about someone who acts as if they hate me.

For once in my dating life, I was trying to end it before my heart went black. I did not want to hate this person, but I felt like this was a person I’d never known.

All of his text messages were built to put the blame on me, and try to make me feel bad for something I did – when I did nothing. If there’s one red flag I can see from the shore, it’s manipulation, and that is not a game I’m willing to play.

I’ve had a lifetime of manipulation from the men in my life, and I am done with it. It’s broken my spirit, and is the culprit for why I get myself in these situations in the first place. If Eric is right, if all of this is my fault, then sure, I shouldn’t have listened when he said I wasn’t a rebound.

I should have taken him more seriously during the “Bathroom floor” conversation. And perhaps I should have hid in the bathroom when the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve. I very well may have dug my way into this hole, but I was also going to see my way out.

The timing of the blowup wasn’t lost on me – it was just past the 6 month-mark of us talking. Scientifically, a person can hide his true self for 3-6 months, before his real colors start to show.

Last week, I had an astrological reading. According to my chart, something in my stars had shifted around the start of March.

“Did you get in a fight with someone you’re dating?” she asked.

“Uh, yeah, this guy I was talking to,” I said.

“Well, that’s just someone you’ve got to thank for showing you who they are upfront,” she said. “You only wasted a few months and not years.”

…And I know when that hotline bling, it can only mean one thing…


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s