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Watching: ‘Floribama Shore’.

The cast of MTV’s “Floribama Shore”.

I know I’m probably one of ten people still watching reruns of “Jersey Shore”… so, when MTV announced an answer to our prayers for new material, I was pretty excited! That answer is none other than “Floribama Shore”.

“Floribama Shore” is supposed to be similar to “Jersey Shore” in that cast members are filling up a single house in Panama City Beach, Florida, but are locals from the Floribama Coast.

Having been to Floribama a handful of times, I can testify that its known for its uncanny ability to embrace the tacky side of Americana, while also celebrating the fruits of summer and beach life in the form of denim cutoffs, cold bear at any hour, and bare feet at all times.

And so, MTV has rounded up a cast of locals to celebrate this portion of the country and likely, humiliate them and everyone they know for our complete enjoyment. Here’s how MTV describes the show:

Set in the Florida Panhandle along the beach that stretches all the way to Alabama, Floribama Shore is the story of eight young adults who come to spend the summer in the hottest beach town on the Gulf Coast, Panama City Beach, to party it up and put the real world on hold for just a little bit longer. But each is armed with incredible life experiences and standing at a crossroads, whether it’s ending a relationship, tasting independence for the first time, or trying to escape the past.This coming of age story captures the very real thrill and angst of being young and trying to figure out the future with a group of people you’ll come to call family.

So, the cast!

There’s Aimee, who might be my favorite so far. She’s from Alabama, admits to always going barefoot and never getting a pedicure, and she is NOT going to play games. She’s a spitfire and I’d imagine we’ll see a fight with her at some point this season.

There’s Candace, who, so far, is pretty quiet. She seems to be the old soul of the bunch, but I’m not counting her out of any shenanigans just yet. Next is Codi, who has been quiet so far… And then there’s Gus, who is pret-ty full of himself, and I don’t think he’s ever been rejected. This is already causing drama in the house.

Okay… Jeremiah. He’s the pretty boy, and although a few of the ladies love his looks, his attitude is not attractive. I’m not a fan of him as a person, but his douche-baggery is much-needed for a show like this.

Kirk has yet to say much, so we’ll see what happens with him. But finally, there’s Kortni and Nilsa, who are friends and both Panama City Beach locals. Kortni fires off episode one by pissing the bed, and Nilsa is a flirtacious force to be reckoned with!

So far, there’s been two episodes of the show, which airs Mondays at 10/9 central (although they aired one episode on Sunday night…).

It’s good stuff, y’all!

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‘Siesta Key’: We Need to Talk About Chloe.

And it’s back for episode 2.

We left this shit show last week with Chloe FaceTiming Alex and showing him her face, which had clearly been beaten in.

As I guessed, Amanda kicked her ass for being a lil bitch when it comes to Brandon. And just like that, their friendship is over and I’m sure this cat fight is going to last alllll summer.

Chloe was all, “She hasn’t even, like, texted me to see if I’m OK!!” No shit, she HATES you!!!!

Obviously, this episode is going to focus on 2 things: Chloe’s face getting beat, and Madison v. Juliette. Basically, recap over.

Madison and Kelsey are at lunch and Kelsey says, “I want to see what Florida is all about.” Umm Florida is all about RETIREMENT.

Later, Alex says Madison didn’t know him when he “had all this” *rolls eyes*, which I assume is basically his way of stating that she’s the only decent person/non-gold digger ’round these parts.

Mind you, it’s about this time Juliette gets her hair wet again, and I’m beginning to think she’s confident in this look. No, girl. Just no.

After the break, there’s a fantastic side-by-side of Amanda in a thong at the bikini contest while Brandon watches, and Chloe being wheeled out of the hospital after surgery. Like really, that’s fucked up.

Later, Garrett says he’s trying to think of something to do for him and Kelsey’s 6-month anniversary… but in the last episode Kelsey said they just met on Tindr. What gives MTV? Get a new script editor!

Madison confronts Alex about his promiscuity last summer with Juliette – and he’s all, “Uh, it wasn’t Facebook official!”

Later, Chloe shows her face in public and props to this girl with her two black eyes, sipping on margaritas!

Instead of taking her somewhere nice like he planned, Garrett takes Kelsey to the beach for a picnic… and she’s pretty ungrateful honestly. Shocker.ย He gave her a jar of 365 hand-written notes… and she gave him a giant bag of pistachios. Not kidding.

He brings non-alcoholic cider and sliced cheese, and Kelsey constantly makes comments about how this would be waaaaayyy different if they were at a restaurant. For someone who moved to Florida to care for her mother, she a biiiiiitch. Yea?

Brandon is hosting the next party, and Chloe doesn’t want to see Amanda. Obviously. Girl, you’re better off sitting at home, alone, watching episodes of “Laguna Beach”. Trust me on this one.

It’s the night of Brandon’s party, and as soon as Juliette shows up, Madison starts guzzling whatever is in her red cup. Meanwhile, Chloe is tucking herself into bed and she totally has one of those touch-lamps from the early 90s.

At the bonfire party, Alex is his usual self -playing Juliette and Madison right in front of each other’s faces. After Alex calls Madison a “Bow down queen”, Kelsey tells her to move on.

Outside of filming, news has surfaced that Alex allegedly shot and killed a hammerhead shark while fishing. Killing marine life in Florida is illegal. Alex posted video of a fisherman lifting a shark partially out of the water, and shooting it, and then later deleted the video from his Instagram feed. The video is currently under investigation as a petition is circulating calling for those involved in last week’s “shark dragging” incident to be arrested.

Obviously, I’ll await the news to see if he’s guilty or not, but I know one thing is for sure: this kid is a privileged asshole.

So, yeah, we’ll see what happens next week…