DDM
February 11, 2013

I was the proud owner of a dashboard decision maker

At least that’s what we called it

I found it at the bottom

Of a Lucky Charms box

 

It was made of clear plastic

A bubble revealing a die inside

Six sides that held our fate

 

Yes, no, maybe so

 

I shoved it in my pocket

And We hit the streets,

The way we always did

 

No plans

Just us

 

3 blocks from my house

I revealed the plastic toy

 

A stick of gum later

And it was on the jeep dashboard

Like a cheap Garmin

 

Hey, DDM, we’re at a red light

Should we turn left

 

Pop

 

Yes! And left we went

 

Our guide drove us through

The city

A city we had memorized

After years of riding in backseats

Carpooling through the suburbs

Gazing beyond the trees wondering

What was outside of our bubble?

 

Our version of Google maps

Lead us to our favorite place

Where rules didn’t apply

 

We ditched our shoes

Letting our toes feel the earth

 

Countless nights welcomed us

There

To the marina

A lake serving

As the backyard

To mansions we would never know

 

We sipped alcohol

From our parents homes

Smoked flavored cigars

And swam to the floating dock

With a single fear of

creatures

in the water

 

It was a place to see the stars

A place

Only found beyond the maze of

Paved country roads

 

But Somewhere along the route

I lost the guide we had that night

 

Since then, the tires of

The jeep have covered

Enough miles for the Guinness book

The marina sands

Have turned themselves

Bearing witness to

Rites of passage

Adventure-seeking souls

Looking for answers

In the night skies

Worthy of a Tom petty song

 

I can’t help but wonder

Where that dashboard decision maker

Might’ve taken me

If I hadn’t lost it

If I hadn’t lost

You

These days.
April 15, 2012

During a drive this weekend, I popped in a random CD and came across one of my favorite country songs, “These Days” by Rascal Flatts.

The song, which is the story about a man running into a girl he’s loved for years although she’s married, is a little cheesy (and so is the music video), but I just love it. In fact, I remember the first time I heard it.

It was the summer between my senior year in high school and my freshman year of college. I really didn’t like country music, but I had two things working against me: 1. my boyfriend at the time, and 2. my summer job.

My then boyfriend, Zach, was a small-town boy who loved country music. I specifically remember nights in his backyard listening to Kenny Chesney, feeling as if we were on an exotic beach, when really, we were behind miles of cornfields and muddin’ tracks.

Those fond moments I had, soundtracked to country, carved a sweet place in my heart.

Then there was my summer job as a carhop at Grab ‘N Go, a place that sold fried pork tenderloins and orange slushies. My boss was good in business, bad in marriage, but only listened to country. That’s all we played at Grab ‘N Go. I learned to like it.

During a shift one afternoon, I heard “These Days,” and it really struck a chord; it was just so sweet. It was one of the first country songs I burned onto a CD for my car.

I still love the song, and I really love singing to it whenever I get the chance. I don’t know if it’s the song I love so much, or the great memories attached to it.

“Someone told me, after college, you ran off to Vegas. You married a rodeo-cowboy, why, that ain’t the girl I knew. Me? I’ve been a few places, mostly here or there once or twice, still sortin’ out life, but I’m doin’ alright.” —Rascal Flatts

The Lucky One.
April 2, 2012

Last September, I read “The Lucky One,” by Nicholas Sparks. It’s a romantic love story about a soldier in Iraq, who is on a mission to find his lucky charm: a girl in a photo. After crossing the country to find her, she’s got serious emotional baggage tying her down.

Like many other Sparks fans, I’m counting down the days (18 to go) until the movie based on this book hits theatres, with the drool-worthy Zac Efron!

Read my book review here.

Drive down memory lane.
January 19, 2012

Before I left work yesterday, I was rummaging around in my desk and came across an old stack of CDs. Near the top was one very dear to my heart: The Spirit Room by Michelle Branch.

This album came out in 2001, when I was a junior in high school.

This was the same year my parents divorced, the same year I had my first kiss, the same year I got my license.

So, I took the CD with my when I got in my car last night. I was shocked at how fast I was brought back, 11 years ago. I felt the same sense of freedom, and could almost feel the wind against my face (I used to drive with my windows down, one arm out the window).

I distinctly recall driving down the long, winding roads of Indiana, perhaps on my way home, or just driving for the sake of it, and listening to this album as loud as I could.

So many of the songs spoke to me regarding my parents, or even my first boyfriend, and Branch herself was just 18.

I loved songs such as, “You Get Me,” about being an outsider, and “All You Wanted,” about helping a friend. The ballads on the album are equally as moving, from the popular “Goodbye to You,” to “Drop in the Ocean.”

I must have listened to the CD hundreds of times, because even years later, I could still sing nearly all of the songs.

What music brings you back?

Helpful hints.
January 16, 2011

Hello everyone!

I’m spending a Sunday inside {it’s rather dreary outside}, but I’m attempting to be productive and do some research on this whole book publishing thing. I’m reading some of the articles in my 2011 Guide to Literary Agents, and have found some helpful links for all of us!

The Association of Author’s Representatives

The National Writer’s Union

American Society of Journalism and Authors

Poets & Writers

Publishers Weekly

The Publishers Lunch Newsletter

The folks at Writer’s Market say we should research agents and the type of work they do, so the moment we get an offer, we can accept or reject it, with good reason. Research their level of experience, past sales, and types of fees.

Misery Loves.
November 22, 2010

Shortly after my 22nd birthday,  school and work were really taking up my time and energy, and I was really stressed out over my summer school classes.

But since I was so busy, I didn’t have much social time. Most of my girlfriends had boyfriends or didn’t have time or money to go out, which often left me hanging out alone. I fell into a rut of cooking myself dinner and then taking myself to a movie, before coming home to study. Sometimes, it was nice being alone, but I knew I needed some social interaction.

Austin and I were talking a lot and things were going well. There were only two weeks left until we got to see each other. I was really excited to see him, but I was scared, too. I loved talking to him on the phone, but I was being reminded of my days with Adam. Since we weren’t in the same state, we couldn’t do those little things together, like run errands or grab lunch. Austin and I were lonely, and I wondered if our miseries were just clinging to each other.

Austin had met a few guys through his job and was starting to go out a little bit. I wanted him to make friends, but I was curious to know if he was meeting girls and possibly sleeping with them. Although him and I weren’t exclusive, I didn’t feel like I was in a position to ask him about it. I knew there was no way I could smoothly ask, “Sooooo did you meet any cute girls tonight?” I knew it would only come across as jealousy, because it was.

At the same time, I felt in control since I wasn’t telling Austin about any guys in my life, because there were none. I started to worry that I was respecting Austin too much by not putting myself out there. But I was going to wait until our visit to see how I felt. He said he wanted to have a “talk” when I got to Dallas. Depending on what we talked about, I knew I didn’t want to be the one waiting on his calls and avoiding dates if he wasn’t doing the same for me.

The other part of the conflict was the whole me-moving-to-Dallas idea. I was extremely flattered that he was thinking about it, and even more excited that he was telling me. The problem was, I didn’t want to move to Dallas. I hadn’t been there yet, but I had wanted to live in Los Angeles my entire life. I had a job lead there and had been searching for apartments online.

The other half of the problem was premature, but of course I’d been thinking about it. If I couldn’t agree to move to Dallas, where would the relationship go? It wasn’t fair because I would be sacrificing my dream of living in Los Angeles, but I knew Austin would not see it that way.

I knew the best thing for me to do at that point was to stick to my original plan to work, graduate, move to Los Angeles and see what would be there for me. I thought Austin was a great guy, but I wanted to leave it up to fate.

That same week, I had a dream about Eddie and Paige. In my dream, they came into Abercrombie and said hey to me. Although that was pretty much the gist of it, it was a setback. It made me wonder why the whole thing with Eddie happened in the first place. I wondered what he was doing. I began to miss the fun we had together.

Summer has always been a hard time for me to be single. I dated Adam over the summer and then Eddie. I had many summer flings, including Zach. That summer combined with my extreme loneliness was bad for me. It made me desperate for company and it made me miss Adam and Eddie.

I needed to go on a date, bad. One night I asked Austin if we were still having that “talk” he mentioned the week before. Of course, typical Austin, said he never said we were going to have a talk, but that he was just going to convince me to move to Dallas instead of LA.

Later that night, Austin called me and we had a meaningless conversation. He had me on speaker phone for the whole conversation, which was annoying because I could hear myself talk but could barely hear him. He was making and eating dinner while we talked, which was okay, but it made me feel like he could barely fit me into his busy schedule, and I knew Austin was not that busy.

During our conversation, he started to get rude. Austin was making fun of me for organizing my closet and shit. Sometimes I seriously wanted to be like, look dude I am not the loser here. So out of nowhere he was like “well I have to go take the trash out so that means I have to get off the phone.” Like we were in the middle of a fucking conversation! So he can tell I’m pissed and his defense is that we had been on the phone for one hour. I was thinking wow, what’s it to you because you haven’t even been paying attention. So he said he’d call me the next day during his lunch and I just hung up on him.

I wasn’t going to answer my phone if he called me. Not to be a total bitch about it, but if he didn’t want to fucking call me, then don’t call me. Because I didn’t want to hear the fucking bitching. If you’re going to do something, then go balls out, don’t half-ass it.

A week later, I cried on my drive home from work. I felt like I’d cried so much that summer, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. I had several things pulling me down. I was still excited to see Austin, but my fears were growing worse. Whenever I had flown to see a guy, he’d left me. This had happened on several occasions, Adam, Nik, Gabe…

I couldn’t handle Austin leaving me. The weekend before, we went two days without talking—the longest we’d gone since he left, and I was devastated. The thought of never talking to him again was miserable. We’d grown really close in the last month. I felt really good about the way things were going; Austin was my best friend.

But I was still scared.

There were things I was afraid to tell Austin. I felt pressure to “go with it” since we were so far away and we were not dating. But my heart couldn’t just go with it. I was trying so hard not to fall for him, harder than ever before. I was so afraid of getting hurt from him, again. I was afraid of getting hurt by anyone.

Austin had already talked to me about his loneliness, saying he wished someone was there when he got home from work. But he didn’t just want anybody. He talked to me about moving to Dallas over Los Angeles. I laughed to keep my heart out of it, but I couldn’t lie, and say I hadn’t thought about it.

But his excuse was, “you’ll be closer to me.”

I couldn’t move somewhere that wasn’t where I really wanted to be just to be near someone who wasn’t my boyfriend, could I?

What I was most afraid of was getting used to Austin’s calls. We hadn’t talked everyday like that since we’d been dating. I just wished he’d tell me more, but I figured he was afraid.

I was too, but not of that.

I was still afraid he’d meet that Dallas girl, whoever she would be. I was scared the only reason he was talking to me was because he had no other girl. He said he didn’t realize what he had until he lost it, but who knew?

I thought the trip to Dallas would tell me a lot, so I need to stick it out until then, and we’d be able to talk it out in person.

Wave Goodbye.
November 19, 2010

After Austin graduated, I went on vacation to St. Thomas with my mom and best friend. Austin was still in Baton Rouge looking for jobs.

In mid June, I spent three days and nights with Austin. Thursday night was the first time we saw each other since I got back from St. Thomas. I really missed him. When I left for vacation, I honestly didn’t think I’d miss him, but I did. The three days we spent together were good, we didn’t even fight.

Austin was planning to leave for Dallas on a Friday. We planned to say our goodbyes on Wednesday. I didn’t expect to be as sad as I was. Ever since Austin and I broke up I battled up and down feelings for him. Some days I missed him, others I never thought about him. Some days I felt maybe I loved him. Others it was close to hatred.

There aren’t many things I found particularly intriguing or stunning about Austin. We fought more than I had ever fought with anyone. But I couldn’t get rid of him. But still, nothing felt worse than him leaving—I couldn’t have been more upset.

Austin made me laugh. He let me be me (or so I thought) and things were comfortable with him. There were some things that were wrong between us, but there was a lot that was right. At that point, Austin was the only man who’d ever really broken up with me instead of just ignoring me. After all the fights or disagreements he was still around.

Sadly, I was scared that when he moved to Dallas, he’d find someone else. She would be smarter than me and more girly and probably gorgeous. But mainly, she’d live in Dallas. And that’s something I could never offer Austin. He said he’ll miss me when he goes and I should visit him in July. However, I prepared myself for the worst—that being that he wouldn’t miss me and he would find someone else and we’d never talk again.

I never thought all of these feelings would come up. Austin was my last friend in Baton Rouge. I knew I’d be busy with work and school, so I thought that would help with the whole “missing” thing. There were things I wanted to tell Austin before he left, but I didn’t know if I should. So, I wrote him a letter:

Austin,

I know you probably didn’t want things to get all cheesy when you left, but I really wanted to share some things with you. If I’ve learned anything about relationships, it’s to tell someone what you’re thinking before it’s too late.

As great as I may be with words, I’m horrible at expressing my feelings in person. So, the writer in me has probably been composing this letter for the past year.

I really want you to know, I really am going to miss you. No matter what I’ve said or told you, I will miss you being around! Anything I’ve said to make you feel otherwise is only a wall I’ve put up to avoid getting hurt again.

I couldn’t be more thankful of the relationship we’ve had: romantic and friendly. Although I habitually drop the “asshole” name on you, most of the time I don’t mean it.

Truthfully, of all the boyfriends I’ve had, you’re the only one who’s actually broken up with me as opposed to simply ignoring me. I do recognize the respect you’ve had for me and I’m really thankful for it.

As much as you might hate me for doing this, I can’t help but remember a few things. When my relationship before you was over, I’d gotten my heart broken for the first time by my best friend of five years. I thought things were over for me already.

But when you asked me out for dinner (in the stockroom) I was more shocked than ever. I didn’t know anything about you and didn’t know if we’d have anything to talk about. But it was one of the best first dates I’ve ever been on. What I remember most about those days are the small things: our Fat Joe song, carving our initials into the Caterie bar after doing shots of red snapper, the text messages, and our long phone conversations when we’d pretend to be exes and talk about ourselves.

Although things were good, I never thought we’d remain friends (what can I say, it’s not really my style). Most of my exes come back around, but I never put up with them. I guess I’ve got a soft spot for you, Austin!

But as sad as I am to see you go, I am really happy for you. I’m looking forward to hearing about your job and the new home.

By the time you read this, I’ve probably already shed a few tears and maybe even packs a bag for Dallas! But don’t miss me too much, Austin!

Looking forward to hearing from you and seeing you…

Love Always,

Holly Ann

I ended up rewriting the letter and giving it to Austin on our last night together, in Baton Rouge. That night, I cried when I left Austin’s house—ugly girl style.

The night was awkward and short. We didn’t meet each other for dinner until 8 and then we went back to his place and he was in bed, asleep by 10. As I laid there, with him asleep I couldn’t help but get upset for two reasons:

1. I took off work to see him tonight and he wanted to sleep?

2. Why do I think that way?

I am convinced I just wanted everything I can’t have. When I was at work I want to be at home. When I was at home or with someone I felt guilty for not being at work.

That was the last night I would see Austin for who knows how long and all I could do was be mad that I was “wasting” my time laying there. Why couldn’t I just be content laying there with him for one last time? I hated saying bye to people and I had to say bye to too many great people during the past month.

I didn’t know what to expect between Austin and I since we had never been this far apart. I didn’t know if he’d really call me or really want me to visit him once he got there.

I was so glad I wrote that letter. I left it by his bed since he was basically asleep when I left.

On Austin’s last night in Baton Rouge, I got home from work there were roses on my doorstep (3 red, 2 pink). There was also a thank you card with it and he wrote a beautiful letter inside. Of course, I cried like I had been for the previous four nights. But the things in the letter were very sweet and the flowers on my doorstep are something I’d always wanted.

I knew I’d miss Austin and think about him daily. But I also knew I was going to be okay.

THANK YOU

Just two small words to express so much gratitude.

Holly,

So this is it! I’m moving to Dallas! I still remember the time we went to Tsunami and what I had told you. I needed someone to be a backbone for me, someone to help me when I fall, someone to listen to my endless bitching! Well, months and months later, there you are. You have become that someone who I need. I can’t put into words all the bullshit I have put you through. For you to still be by my side is a wonder, in itself! Every relationship I have been involved in, I have learned something. But no relationship have I learned and gained so much from as ours. You have been there for me time and time again, even when you had every right not to be. Thank you Holly from the bottom of my heart. Dallas won’t be the ideal situation without you there. My dreams and ambitions take me far, I believe in myself and what I can do, and have no limits on achieving success. Thank you for being a part of these dreams and ambitions, you have helped me make them a reality! Please don’t forget what we have here, and I want a date ASAP for your trip to Dallas. More than anything, I will miss you!

Love,

Austin

Back to Texas.
November 18, 2010

After I cooled off from being royally reject by Eddie, I went back on my word and started talking to Austin again. Naturally, when my friends found out Austin and I were talking again, they were skeptical—warning me that all Austin wanted from me was sex, but I gave him the benefit since I cared for him and I didn’t think him and I had a relationship like that.

But I stayed over at his apartment one night when he wanted to have sex. I didn’t want to and he got pissed when I said no, it made me feel like he’d just been buttering me up the entire time. I honestly thought we’d been hanging out because he enjoyed my company, not to sleep with me.

I was confused. So I didn’t talk to Austin, and he didn’t bother to call me. I figured he was embarrassed, but I was waiting for an apology. I thought I was really into him when we were together, then he dumped me and moved on quickly. Then we start talking again, but also start fighting again. What was I supposed to do with someone who clearly didn’t respect me?

I knew I couldn’t even have a friend like that. I hoped it wouldn’t get blown out of proportion—I didn’t want him to graduate and move away without a better understanding of why it happened. Austin may not have even realized what he did wrong, which was a problem in itself. I just didn’t know why I felt so bad about the whole thing; I didn’t do anything wrong. I certainly wasn’t going to sleep with him out of guilt and I made it clear I wasn’t going to sleep with him at all. Austin made it obvious he couldn’t handle sleeping with me when we weren’t together. For that reason alone, I didn’t want to sleep with him. The worst feeling is knowing the person you just slept with regrets it.

I always ragged on Austin for hanging out with whores—but maybe that’s why he expected sex so easily. For about a month, Austin kept telling me he enjoyed my company, he liked me, and drunkenly admitted to loving me, but how could he honestly feel that way, but act completely different? It made me question his motives.

A month later, Austin was celebrating his graduation from LSU. To celebrate, we went out to dinner at the same place we had our first date. I gave him a gift—a pair of silver Prada sunglasses, along with a card:

Congrats, Austin!

I know you’ve been waiting and ready to graduate for a long time and I hope it’s everything you wished it would be.

The decisions you have to make are stressful, but always remember to do what’s going to make you the happiest. I know wherever you end up—you’re going to be great, you are so driven and hard-working. It will pay off!

Best of luck, in all that comes your way, Prada.

Thanks for all the great memories.

Love always,

Holly

Right Down the Middle.
November 9, 2010

When I returned to LSU for the fall semester of my junior year, I was on a high. I was in love with someone who loved me. When I left Indiana, we were certain we could make it work, despite the 14 hours between us. I was confident in our relationship, feeling like it was the first time I had done something right in the relationship department.

But a month later, I wasn’t feeling confident in myself. I became a person I didn’t know—I felt needy and emotional. I was getting worried and jealous over Adam going out to bars, thinking he was going to meet someone else and leave me behind, alone.

I remained close with Adam, and told him how I felt. He assured me that he still loved me and that I was only acting this way because I cared about him, which was true. I just had to survive a few more weeks. Then, I had a few days off from class and had booked a flight back to Indiana to visit Adam.

It was the light at the end of the tunnel.

When the day of my flight came around, I couldn’t have been more anxious to get to Indiana. I remember packing everything just right, and bringing my makeup aboard the plane with me so I could touch-up before I saw him.

But, aside from the plane crashing to my death, nearly everything that could’ve gone wrong did. When I was on my first flight, my connecting flight left without me. When I landed and tried to get another flight to Indiana, they said the next one wasn’t until the next morning. I cried to the airport employees.

I had to see Adam that night.

I was able to get a flight to Cincinnati, and my mom said she would pick me up, if Adam met us halfway. He did. I will never forget jumping out of the car, into his arm. I had missed him so much.

Adam drove us to IU, it was very late, cold, and all I had was my makeup bag that I’d taken on the plane. My luggage was lost.

I finally got to see Adam’s house. It was white, with a large front porch. It was old, with creaking wood panels for floors. But I loved it. By the time we arrived there, his roommates were asleep, but I was excited to meet them in the morning.

I slept in Adam’s clothes that night. The next day, I made plans to visit my friend Ale, while Adam went to class and studied. I wore the same outfit I had the day before, since I still had no luggage. I was quite cold in my frayed denim mini skirt, sequined slippers, and tank top with a green cardigan, in the cool October weather.

But when I returned to Adam’s house, he was done studying and he had my luggage.

Adam had planned for us to go out that night, so we had a few beers at the house before hitting the bars. It was a typical visit. Sheena came up one night to go out with us, which resulted in a few hilarious moments. And we played a round of beer pong in Adam’s basement. That night, more of Adam’s friends joined us, a few girls I didn’t know and didn’t make an effort to know.

Everything was going great, until my last night in town.

We were out to dinner, and Adam told me that his parents weren’t too happy about us dating. He said they thought it was silly of us to date, being so far away, and they didn’t want him to get distracted from his school work.

I was upset, nearly crying on the ride back to Adam’s house.

In the months prior, Adam’s mom told Adam she didn’t understand why I wasn’t making an effort to get to know her and the family more. So I made my best effort—calling her on random nights of the week to see what she was up to. Often, when I called, she told me she was busy and would ask to call me back. She never would, so I would call again.

I remember she asked me how often I talked to Adam, which shocked me, since I thought she knew we were together. When I said, “oh, we talk everyday,” she was as equally stunned.

As upset as I was on the car ride back, I was still dreading the alarm clock’s buzz. I didn’t want to say goodbye to Adam the next morning. But I did, and he told me not to cry, not to be sad.

But it was the last time I ever saw him.

The Sunrise.
November 9, 2010

After the night in Adam’s dorm over winter break, and returning to LSU for the spring semester, I was ready to go home and see my friends for the summer. Sheena and I were headed out for a typical summer night—out to a lake house. This was a friend’s family’s lake house—a notorious hotspot for partying in high school.

Once we arrived, it was a tightly knit group of guys from our high school, some were older and some had graduated with us. Sheena and I started drinking (we’d graduated to drinking beer by this point in our college careers) and we were taking shots. The music was blaring. We were all gathered outside, by the lake. It was a covered dock area, but it had lights, a bar, and a sound system. It was a little more sophisticated than the Tiki Hut from years ago. It was open on either end—one end faced the house and the other faced the lake, which was surrounded by huge houses.

Since I was enjoying the booze, I’m assuming no one else realized just how loud the music was, nor how loud we were talking. At this point, we were yelling.

Before I knew it, someone casually said, “Cops are here.”

I looked up, toward the house and walking toward us was a police officer. He was an older man, with a belly like Santa Claus—but his bag of toys included a breathalyzer and a set of handcuffs.

When he reached the dock, the music was shut off and he asked for everyone’s IDs. My purse was sitting in a chair, across the way from where  was standing. In an attempt to gain time, and perhaps save my ass, I told him I didn’t have my ID. I knew I was about to get busted.

He instructed us all to line up for a breathalyzer. I looked at Sheena, and she mouthed a reassuring, “We’re busted.”

My mind started to race. I didn’t even have any phone numbers memorized to call either of my parents for help. But then I realized an even greater problem: even if I had the numbers memorized, my parents wouldn’t help me. I could hear them now, “Enjoy the night in the slammer.”

Once Sheena and I were in line together, she told me not to worry because her dad had enough cash for situations like these. But I was still scared shitless.

But then, a savior appeared out of nowhere. And her name was Mary.

She was standing at the front of the line and struck a deal with the police officer. She asked him if she blew a .0, if he would let us all off the hook. He clearly thought she would blow something higher, so he agreed to her deal.

By the grace of God, Mary blew a .0. We were all off the hook. The police officer told us all to quiet down for the rest of the night—he didn’t want to be called out to the lake again.

We were all so thankful of Mary and we didn’t know how she even pulled it off. She said she’d had a shot, but it had been an hour or so since she had anything to drink.

We were just shy of lifting Mary above our shoulders, when we realized some of the other guys were missing. Not long after we began to search for them, they came paddling up to the back of the dock in a canoe.

They had paddled away at the first sign of the cop. Laughing hysterically, we all poured inside the house and proceeded to tell each other the story over and over again.

While we had somehow been spared out of getting arrested, but the night wasn’t over by any means.

Enter yours truly on a pull out couch, naked with Zach—the boy I had a crush on my senior year in high school. Sheena was in a spare bedroom, fighting off another guy, when she came out into the open area where I was laying.

“Holly…are you here?” She asked.

“Sheena…I…I have no clothes on,” I whispered.

We both laughed, some how I found my clothes and we were on our way unscathed. And no, I didn’t sleep with Zach. Ever. No more than a few weeks after that, Adam invited me over for dinner at his parents’ home.

When I got there, his parents weren’t home. He had grilled a dinner of kabobs for us—they were perfect. Each wooden stick had the same pattern: tomato, onion, pepper, chicken. They were so perfect, in fact, I questioned him over and over about making them. I was certain he bought them.

He fixed my plate and I was a bit smitten. We talked, and decided to try to date. That night, I slept next to Adam, in his bed upstairs. For the first time in many years, we kissed. It was a little awkward—something neither of us expected.

“Once we kiss, we can’t take it back,” he said.

Over the next few months, our relationship wasn’t much different from our friendship. We still hung out with our friends, but of course, we spent time alone, too.

Adam and I had already met each other’s parents over the course of our friendship, so there was no ta-da over that. However, Adam’s mom and dad would cause a problem in our relationship that I didn’t see coming.

I was out shopping with my mom one day, and I wanted to bring Adam and I home some dinner from PF Chang’s. I told him not to eat, and showed up at his house with the food. Adam’s mom was there, she had made something for herself, which made me feel bad—I hadn’t thought to include her, mainly because I didn’t know she would be there.

While we ate, she made a big deal about how expensive PF Chang’s was, which was incredibly awkward. Then, she asked me about a few new lamps she just put in her family room. I told her I thought they were, “okay” after she asked for my honest opinion.

Big mistake.

She told me she loved them and they were expensive. I tried to backtrack, but all I could do was put my foot in my mouth. From that point on, I felt like Adam’s parents didn’t like me as much as they could because I wasn’t raised in a church and I didn’t dress as preppy as they did.

At the end of the summer, Adam wanted to take me on a fancy date. I showed up at his house in a white, strap-less dress, with printed red flowers on it. As I stood outside on his front porch, Adam’s mom asked, “Who is THAT?” Who would’ve thought that I could clean up nice?

That night, Adam drove us to Indianapolis to eat dinner at The Eagle’s Nest—a rotating restaurant. There, I had brie for the first time. Adam stacked a cracker with brie and an apple slice and properly fed it to me. I was falling in love with my best friend.

Weeks later, Adam came with me to a family fish fry at my uncle’s home. It was the first time I’d ever brought anyone I was dating around a family member other than my parents. After the fish fry, Adam had a surprise for me. He drove me way out into the country, to a clearing by a lake. There, Adam set up a fire and all the proper camping fixings.

We watched the sunrise, for what would be one of our last moments together.

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