#30
November 19, 2012

Birthday #25

2am visit to your house
High heels
Trench coat
Confetti cake
November cold

Kitchen table sex
Front yard cigarettes
A late night connection
Or confused confections

I fell for you
Fast
Mistook
Lust for love

Empty
Shot glasses
Cashed

Mansion in
College park
Stability
In
Secrets

A paved
Path I
Wish I
Could
Turn back

Birthday #26

Took her for
drinks
Took her
home
Took her
clothes
In front of me
Lied
In front of me

You
Were
Caught

Afternoon apologies
Morning toast
Midnight bottles
Back porch fortunes

I
Was
Lost

Birthday #27

A plus sign translates
To a negative

Jelly
Wax paper
Pills
Holding me up

Silence
From you
Carefree

In your
Cubicle world
Wood floor
Apartment
Miles
Away
From us

The lies
Stacked
Themselves

Cementing
Like bricks between us
Building
Cities
To keep us
Apart

Roads closed
Time gone
Decision done

Birthday #28

4am
She calls
You lie
I cry

Hate you
Love me

Vodka soda
Whiskey coke
Cigarette kiss
Neon lies

Everything
Is fake
Can’t see
Through
Your smoke
Your stories
Your life
Without
Me

Birthday #29

Call it quits
I’m at my wits
End

Leave
Give me the key

Convenient
End
On a Friday
Give her a call
Tell her you dropped the ball
And chain

One year away
From #30
Didn’t want
Vows
Didn’t want
Kids
Didn’t want
Me
To be
Forever

#30 meant
No more
Flings
No more
bar tabs
No more
lies
For fun

I was just
cake
on a birthday
Just bricks
In the city
Just a notch
on his bedpost
Just cash
At the clinic
Just 4 years
in a lifetime

So this year
Birthday #30

Wake up
Perfect bed
Sheets
Tangled
In lies
Hungover
From the
Hearts
you break

Paved driveway
Company car
Ironed shirt

Joining
A row
Of cubicles
Sitting
Ducks
Men
Who do the
Same
Men
Who are the
Same

So

When
A nameless
Face
Takes the bait

High heels
Trench coat
Confetti cake
November cold

Blow out
The candles
Make a wish
That karma
isn’t real
That fate
Will answer

Pray
For the lost ones

Hope that
#40
Is the new
#30

Cleaving.
February 20, 2012

I just finished reading Julie Powell’s second memoir, Cleaving: A Story of Marriage, Meat, and Obsession.

You might recognize Powell’s name from her first book, Julie and Julia, which I read and loved. Because of that, I was looking forward to reading the sequel, and I wasn’t disappointed.

While Powell’s first book was much about the beginnings of her marriage and her issues with dedicating a year to cooking her way through Julia Child’s cookbook, I was sold that Powell was a sweet, loving wife.

Cleaving derails that image and although shatters any innocent images I once had of her, it makes her real. She opens up about the, now public, affair she had with a man she calls “D”, complete with sexy details and honest confessions.

What Powell did in Cleaving, I hope I can do in How To Make Lemonade: tell my stories of love and dating failures with a sense of real honesty that doesn’t come across too innocent or, on the other hand, too slutty.

To Eric, I am beloved. The Julie I am with him is mercurial, both too much and too weak, someone to be coddled and feared, kept in line, depended upon. The Julie who D knows is someone just a little different. A coconspirator. A playmate. Mischievous, sexy, thrillingly amoral. Someone to whom you’d murmur, as you slid inside her, and felt that answering clench, “Isn’t this the best thing in the fucking world?” The me I feel I am with D is unfamiliar, exhilarating, someone I am constantly sidling up to, excited and frightened. But which one of me is real, the cherished, starstruck girl or the sultry, winking woman? I don’t know these days, have not since the first day D tossed me back onto his bad.

How to love.
February 3, 2012

Lil Wayne is one of my favorite artists—not to mention a fun person to see in concert—but I love how clever his songs are. Months ago, on a date, his song “How to love,” came on, which sparked a good conversation about Weezy himself.

Things didn’t work out with that date, but it’s a fond memory for me, and whenever I hear this song, I think of it. And, while this song isn’t one of his more upbeat ones, it does resonate. A girl can’t help but wonder, do I know how to love?

“Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out how to love.” -Lil Wayne

Breaking the pattern.
January 23, 2012

Last week, one of my favorite website, The Frisky, posted an article about dating habits: “10 Unhealthy Dating Patterns And How to Break Them.”

I am a sucker for any article relating to dating, but I’m usually shocked at just how true they are. This article was no different.

While yes, I know there are a few patterns I need to get over…I just didn’t realize how many I had!

Number one on the list I am certainly guilty of: Getting Lost in the Fantasy. In other words, perhaps after one date with a guy, I start to daydream about additional dates, a serious relationship, and…perhaps even marriage. Oh my God, it’s embarrassing just to type!

The Frisky suggests keeping busy after a date so your mind doesn’t dwell and fantasize; also, refusing not to discuss the details with friends. I agree with these solutions, although it’s fun to fantasize and talk to your friends about “what ifs” it just leads to confusion and perhaps bigger heartbreak down the road.

Some of the other patterns include being involved with unavailable men, wanting to fix the other person, and seeking approval. What are some of your dating habits?

Editing, round one…done!
December 14, 2010

I literally JUST finished editing my first rough draft. Man, it feels great!

Many of you have offered to help me edit and I’m so thankful for that. I made all of my edits with pen and paper, so it will probably take me a few days to make them electronically (I know I probably sound ancient, but there’s just something about reading it, holding it, and actually marking it up). Once I fix my current mistakes, I will start handing out (or e-mailing, in most cases) copies for you all to read.

Thanks so much for sticking with me! It’s getting there!

One-a-Days
November 24, 2010

Before my trip to Dallas, Austin and I got into another fight. We talked on the phone one day when clearly, we should not have. He was being a dick because I didn’t call him when he wanted me to. So when I said I’d let him go so he could work, he got pissed. It made me remember why we broke up and why I wasn’t always happy during our relationship.

My plan was to ignore him the rest of the day, but of course I didn’t. I told him I was excited about my interview at Duvic’s the next day—a job I’d wanted for a long time—and he said, “Oh my God, why would you want to work there? It’s trashy.” I was starting to notice a trend with Austin that he couldn’t just be happy for me. So then I unleashed on him saying that I wasn’t even going to answer the phone because he was such a dick to me the day before.

He, naturally, claimed he wasn’t and that I needed to chill out because I was just being a bitch. I said I was sick of hearing him complain about how much he hated talking on the phone because if he didn’t want to call me then DON’T CALL ME! He said I should realize how much he wanted to talk to me since he still called even though he hated talking on the phone. I said I didn’t want him to do anything he didn’t want to do, so he said he’d let me go and that was the end of that.

At that moment, I decided to limit the amount of time I talked to Austin, and headed off to work.

A few days later, I was packed for my big move into a new condo with two of my friends. Although things with Austin continued to be rocky, I was packed and ready for Dallas. I figured we just needed to see each other in person, finally.

My coworkers were advising me not to sleep with Austin during my trip. I agreed with them. I felt like Austin and I were both just waiting for one of us to find someone new. My plan was to just get to Dallas and have fun, while trying not to analyze everything.

I had a lot on the horizon: a trip to Dallas, a trip to Los Angeles—both would be telling of my future.

A week later, I was in the Houston airport, writing notes on a new pad of paper that had red chili peppers around the edges. I had just finished my weekend in Dallas and was waiting to get back to New Orleans.

After a fun weekend, I was very sad to leave Austin. I had been wrong about so many things.

I ended up really loving Dallas when I thought I wouldn’t really care. The whole trip was a reality check. I thought I wasn’t really going to be excited to see Austin or even sad to leave him, but I definitely was. We definitely have our moments—the good and of course the bad. I was so proud of Austin for moving somewhere new, finding a great job and a nice apartment. I was already trying to figure out when I could get back to Dallas.

We did so many fun things. Before I went on the trip, I was so worried about having a talk with him to clear things up. I was so worried about figuring out what the big picture was: why did he really want me to move there? Why did he call me? How did he truly feel? Did he love me? Did he want to marry me? But instead of having a talk with Austin, my time in Dallas answered most of these questions on their own. I may not have known if he loved me or wanted to marry me but I didn’t think he would do all of these things for me if he didn’t sincerely care for me.

The distance really sucked. We missed out on doing the little things together. As I thought about how much fun we had that weekend—we could’ve had that every weekend if we were near each other.

But we used to be in the same city and we didn’t spend much time together.

Of course, not every long-distance relationship can be “real” in that aspect. I felt like a lot of long-distance relationships were based on missing each other. Often the time spent together was short and blissful since both partners missed each other for so long.

But I thought a few things had changed about Austin. He was really sweet. He paid for everything and made me dinner. He opened doors for me.

Maybe that was just another thing that I had to leave up to time. Time would tell if LA was right for me. Time would tell if Austin and I were meant to be with each other. If I lost Austin, of course I would be devastated. But I had to remember that it all boiled down to reason. No matter what happened I could remember that weekend as a really great, fun time. It definitely was not a waste and I wanted to go back as soon as I could.

I got Austin some cards when I went looking for a notebook and pen, in the airport. I got him one that said “thanks” and the front had a giant frog wearing rain boots and holding flowers. I was going to send it to him the following day. The other one I got was sweet. I would send it out at the end of the week. There was a possibility that a lot of the things I wanted to tell Austin, but didn’t know how or want to hear his immediate reaction—I could tell him through writing.

There I was stuck in an airport, alone. My flight was delayed because of bad weather. I was tired and lonely.

GROCERY LIST

milk
bread
peanut butter
cereal
chips
rice
soup
veggies
chicken
muffin pan
pineapple

Two hours later, on my flight home, I wrote my cards to Austin:

Austin—

Just wanted to say thanks again for inviting me to Dallas. I had a great time with you—better than I could have imagined. I’m so glad I came, it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Dallas impressed me and I’m hoping to make it back soon.

Miss you even more than before.

Love,

Holly Ann

*     *     *

AJ,

In my mind, it played out as follows: I’d arrive in Dallas, see you, have some fun. We’d talk and decide that the distance blows. I’d leave, unimpressed with the city and maybe wonder what would become of this relationship of ours. Because, after all, I was going to LA.

I was wrong. Instead, I really liked Dallas and was again reminded of how much I love spending time with you. I don’t know what’s in store for me in LA…nor do I know what’s in store for us. But I do know I won’t rule out Dallas any time soon.

Hang in there!

Love,

Holly Ann

Misery Loves.
November 22, 2010

Shortly after my 22nd birthday,  school and work were really taking up my time and energy, and I was really stressed out over my summer school classes.

But since I was so busy, I didn’t have much social time. Most of my girlfriends had boyfriends or didn’t have time or money to go out, which often left me hanging out alone. I fell into a rut of cooking myself dinner and then taking myself to a movie, before coming home to study. Sometimes, it was nice being alone, but I knew I needed some social interaction.

Austin and I were talking a lot and things were going well. There were only two weeks left until we got to see each other. I was really excited to see him, but I was scared, too. I loved talking to him on the phone, but I was being reminded of my days with Adam. Since we weren’t in the same state, we couldn’t do those little things together, like run errands or grab lunch. Austin and I were lonely, and I wondered if our miseries were just clinging to each other.

Austin had met a few guys through his job and was starting to go out a little bit. I wanted him to make friends, but I was curious to know if he was meeting girls and possibly sleeping with them. Although him and I weren’t exclusive, I didn’t feel like I was in a position to ask him about it. I knew there was no way I could smoothly ask, “Sooooo did you meet any cute girls tonight?” I knew it would only come across as jealousy, because it was.

At the same time, I felt in control since I wasn’t telling Austin about any guys in my life, because there were none. I started to worry that I was respecting Austin too much by not putting myself out there. But I was going to wait until our visit to see how I felt. He said he wanted to have a “talk” when I got to Dallas. Depending on what we talked about, I knew I didn’t want to be the one waiting on his calls and avoiding dates if he wasn’t doing the same for me.

The other part of the conflict was the whole me-moving-to-Dallas idea. I was extremely flattered that he was thinking about it, and even more excited that he was telling me. The problem was, I didn’t want to move to Dallas. I hadn’t been there yet, but I had wanted to live in Los Angeles my entire life. I had a job lead there and had been searching for apartments online.

The other half of the problem was premature, but of course I’d been thinking about it. If I couldn’t agree to move to Dallas, where would the relationship go? It wasn’t fair because I would be sacrificing my dream of living in Los Angeles, but I knew Austin would not see it that way.

I knew the best thing for me to do at that point was to stick to my original plan to work, graduate, move to Los Angeles and see what would be there for me. I thought Austin was a great guy, but I wanted to leave it up to fate.

That same week, I had a dream about Eddie and Paige. In my dream, they came into Abercrombie and said hey to me. Although that was pretty much the gist of it, it was a setback. It made me wonder why the whole thing with Eddie happened in the first place. I wondered what he was doing. I began to miss the fun we had together.

Summer has always been a hard time for me to be single. I dated Adam over the summer and then Eddie. I had many summer flings, including Zach. That summer combined with my extreme loneliness was bad for me. It made me desperate for company and it made me miss Adam and Eddie.

I needed to go on a date, bad. One night I asked Austin if we were still having that “talk” he mentioned the week before. Of course, typical Austin, said he never said we were going to have a talk, but that he was just going to convince me to move to Dallas instead of LA.

Later that night, Austin called me and we had a meaningless conversation. He had me on speaker phone for the whole conversation, which was annoying because I could hear myself talk but could barely hear him. He was making and eating dinner while we talked, which was okay, but it made me feel like he could barely fit me into his busy schedule, and I knew Austin was not that busy.

During our conversation, he started to get rude. Austin was making fun of me for organizing my closet and shit. Sometimes I seriously wanted to be like, look dude I am not the loser here. So out of nowhere he was like “well I have to go take the trash out so that means I have to get off the phone.” Like we were in the middle of a fucking conversation! So he can tell I’m pissed and his defense is that we had been on the phone for one hour. I was thinking wow, what’s it to you because you haven’t even been paying attention. So he said he’d call me the next day during his lunch and I just hung up on him.

I wasn’t going to answer my phone if he called me. Not to be a total bitch about it, but if he didn’t want to fucking call me, then don’t call me. Because I didn’t want to hear the fucking bitching. If you’re going to do something, then go balls out, don’t half-ass it.

A week later, I cried on my drive home from work. I felt like I’d cried so much that summer, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. I had several things pulling me down. I was still excited to see Austin, but my fears were growing worse. Whenever I had flown to see a guy, he’d left me. This had happened on several occasions, Adam, Nik, Gabe…

I couldn’t handle Austin leaving me. The weekend before, we went two days without talking—the longest we’d gone since he left, and I was devastated. The thought of never talking to him again was miserable. We’d grown really close in the last month. I felt really good about the way things were going; Austin was my best friend.

But I was still scared.

There were things I was afraid to tell Austin. I felt pressure to “go with it” since we were so far away and we were not dating. But my heart couldn’t just go with it. I was trying so hard not to fall for him, harder than ever before. I was so afraid of getting hurt from him, again. I was afraid of getting hurt by anyone.

Austin had already talked to me about his loneliness, saying he wished someone was there when he got home from work. But he didn’t just want anybody. He talked to me about moving to Dallas over Los Angeles. I laughed to keep my heart out of it, but I couldn’t lie, and say I hadn’t thought about it.

But his excuse was, “you’ll be closer to me.”

I couldn’t move somewhere that wasn’t where I really wanted to be just to be near someone who wasn’t my boyfriend, could I?

What I was most afraid of was getting used to Austin’s calls. We hadn’t talked everyday like that since we’d been dating. I just wished he’d tell me more, but I figured he was afraid.

I was too, but not of that.

I was still afraid he’d meet that Dallas girl, whoever she would be. I was scared the only reason he was talking to me was because he had no other girl. He said he didn’t realize what he had until he lost it, but who knew?

I thought the trip to Dallas would tell me a lot, so I need to stick it out until then, and we’d be able to talk it out in person.

Wave Goodbye.
November 19, 2010

After Austin graduated, I went on vacation to St. Thomas with my mom and best friend. Austin was still in Baton Rouge looking for jobs.

In mid June, I spent three days and nights with Austin. Thursday night was the first time we saw each other since I got back from St. Thomas. I really missed him. When I left for vacation, I honestly didn’t think I’d miss him, but I did. The three days we spent together were good, we didn’t even fight.

Austin was planning to leave for Dallas on a Friday. We planned to say our goodbyes on Wednesday. I didn’t expect to be as sad as I was. Ever since Austin and I broke up I battled up and down feelings for him. Some days I missed him, others I never thought about him. Some days I felt maybe I loved him. Others it was close to hatred.

There aren’t many things I found particularly intriguing or stunning about Austin. We fought more than I had ever fought with anyone. But I couldn’t get rid of him. But still, nothing felt worse than him leaving—I couldn’t have been more upset.

Austin made me laugh. He let me be me (or so I thought) and things were comfortable with him. There were some things that were wrong between us, but there was a lot that was right. At that point, Austin was the only man who’d ever really broken up with me instead of just ignoring me. After all the fights or disagreements he was still around.

Sadly, I was scared that when he moved to Dallas, he’d find someone else. She would be smarter than me and more girly and probably gorgeous. But mainly, she’d live in Dallas. And that’s something I could never offer Austin. He said he’ll miss me when he goes and I should visit him in July. However, I prepared myself for the worst—that being that he wouldn’t miss me and he would find someone else and we’d never talk again.

I never thought all of these feelings would come up. Austin was my last friend in Baton Rouge. I knew I’d be busy with work and school, so I thought that would help with the whole “missing” thing. There were things I wanted to tell Austin before he left, but I didn’t know if I should. So, I wrote him a letter:

Austin,

I know you probably didn’t want things to get all cheesy when you left, but I really wanted to share some things with you. If I’ve learned anything about relationships, it’s to tell someone what you’re thinking before it’s too late.

As great as I may be with words, I’m horrible at expressing my feelings in person. So, the writer in me has probably been composing this letter for the past year.

I really want you to know, I really am going to miss you. No matter what I’ve said or told you, I will miss you being around! Anything I’ve said to make you feel otherwise is only a wall I’ve put up to avoid getting hurt again.

I couldn’t be more thankful of the relationship we’ve had: romantic and friendly. Although I habitually drop the “asshole” name on you, most of the time I don’t mean it.

Truthfully, of all the boyfriends I’ve had, you’re the only one who’s actually broken up with me as opposed to simply ignoring me. I do recognize the respect you’ve had for me and I’m really thankful for it.

As much as you might hate me for doing this, I can’t help but remember a few things. When my relationship before you was over, I’d gotten my heart broken for the first time by my best friend of five years. I thought things were over for me already.

But when you asked me out for dinner (in the stockroom) I was more shocked than ever. I didn’t know anything about you and didn’t know if we’d have anything to talk about. But it was one of the best first dates I’ve ever been on. What I remember most about those days are the small things: our Fat Joe song, carving our initials into the Caterie bar after doing shots of red snapper, the text messages, and our long phone conversations when we’d pretend to be exes and talk about ourselves.

Although things were good, I never thought we’d remain friends (what can I say, it’s not really my style). Most of my exes come back around, but I never put up with them. I guess I’ve got a soft spot for you, Austin!

But as sad as I am to see you go, I am really happy for you. I’m looking forward to hearing about your job and the new home.

By the time you read this, I’ve probably already shed a few tears and maybe even packs a bag for Dallas! But don’t miss me too much, Austin!

Looking forward to hearing from you and seeing you…

Love Always,

Holly Ann

I ended up rewriting the letter and giving it to Austin on our last night together, in Baton Rouge. That night, I cried when I left Austin’s house—ugly girl style.

The night was awkward and short. We didn’t meet each other for dinner until 8 and then we went back to his place and he was in bed, asleep by 10. As I laid there, with him asleep I couldn’t help but get upset for two reasons:

1. I took off work to see him tonight and he wanted to sleep?

2. Why do I think that way?

I am convinced I just wanted everything I can’t have. When I was at work I want to be at home. When I was at home or with someone I felt guilty for not being at work.

That was the last night I would see Austin for who knows how long and all I could do was be mad that I was “wasting” my time laying there. Why couldn’t I just be content laying there with him for one last time? I hated saying bye to people and I had to say bye to too many great people during the past month.

I didn’t know what to expect between Austin and I since we had never been this far apart. I didn’t know if he’d really call me or really want me to visit him once he got there.

I was so glad I wrote that letter. I left it by his bed since he was basically asleep when I left.

On Austin’s last night in Baton Rouge, I got home from work there were roses on my doorstep (3 red, 2 pink). There was also a thank you card with it and he wrote a beautiful letter inside. Of course, I cried like I had been for the previous four nights. But the things in the letter were very sweet and the flowers on my doorstep are something I’d always wanted.

I knew I’d miss Austin and think about him daily. But I also knew I was going to be okay.

THANK YOU

Just two small words to express so much gratitude.

Holly,

So this is it! I’m moving to Dallas! I still remember the time we went to Tsunami and what I had told you. I needed someone to be a backbone for me, someone to help me when I fall, someone to listen to my endless bitching! Well, months and months later, there you are. You have become that someone who I need. I can’t put into words all the bullshit I have put you through. For you to still be by my side is a wonder, in itself! Every relationship I have been involved in, I have learned something. But no relationship have I learned and gained so much from as ours. You have been there for me time and time again, even when you had every right not to be. Thank you Holly from the bottom of my heart. Dallas won’t be the ideal situation without you there. My dreams and ambitions take me far, I believe in myself and what I can do, and have no limits on achieving success. Thank you for being a part of these dreams and ambitions, you have helped me make them a reality! Please don’t forget what we have here, and I want a date ASAP for your trip to Dallas. More than anything, I will miss you!

Love,

Austin

Back to Texas.
November 18, 2010

After I cooled off from being royally reject by Eddie, I went back on my word and started talking to Austin again. Naturally, when my friends found out Austin and I were talking again, they were skeptical—warning me that all Austin wanted from me was sex, but I gave him the benefit since I cared for him and I didn’t think him and I had a relationship like that.

But I stayed over at his apartment one night when he wanted to have sex. I didn’t want to and he got pissed when I said no, it made me feel like he’d just been buttering me up the entire time. I honestly thought we’d been hanging out because he enjoyed my company, not to sleep with me.

I was confused. So I didn’t talk to Austin, and he didn’t bother to call me. I figured he was embarrassed, but I was waiting for an apology. I thought I was really into him when we were together, then he dumped me and moved on quickly. Then we start talking again, but also start fighting again. What was I supposed to do with someone who clearly didn’t respect me?

I knew I couldn’t even have a friend like that. I hoped it wouldn’t get blown out of proportion—I didn’t want him to graduate and move away without a better understanding of why it happened. Austin may not have even realized what he did wrong, which was a problem in itself. I just didn’t know why I felt so bad about the whole thing; I didn’t do anything wrong. I certainly wasn’t going to sleep with him out of guilt and I made it clear I wasn’t going to sleep with him at all. Austin made it obvious he couldn’t handle sleeping with me when we weren’t together. For that reason alone, I didn’t want to sleep with him. The worst feeling is knowing the person you just slept with regrets it.

I always ragged on Austin for hanging out with whores—but maybe that’s why he expected sex so easily. For about a month, Austin kept telling me he enjoyed my company, he liked me, and drunkenly admitted to loving me, but how could he honestly feel that way, but act completely different? It made me question his motives.

A month later, Austin was celebrating his graduation from LSU. To celebrate, we went out to dinner at the same place we had our first date. I gave him a gift—a pair of silver Prada sunglasses, along with a card:

Congrats, Austin!

I know you’ve been waiting and ready to graduate for a long time and I hope it’s everything you wished it would be.

The decisions you have to make are stressful, but always remember to do what’s going to make you the happiest. I know wherever you end up—you’re going to be great, you are so driven and hard-working. It will pay off!

Best of luck, in all that comes your way, Prada.

Thanks for all the great memories.

Love always,

Holly

Trail Mix.
November 16, 2010

In September, I went to an LSU game with a few of my girlfriends. We thought it would be a great idea to wakeup early and throw back a few mimosas, since it was an afternoon game. But the alcohol and the heat made for a very unpleasant mix.

So I went home early, and was texting with Eddie while laying in my bed. He was on his way over, but was caught in traffic. Once he arrived, we fell asleep in my bed and awoke in time for dinner. He took me to Macaroni Grill, and afterward we went for coffee at Barnes & Noble.

We went to his house, watched Saturday night Live, and went to sleep. I felt so content, I remember sleeping well—on Eddie’s silky sheets. When we woke up the next morning, Eddie offered to make us breakfast. I slept while he milled about in the kitchen, mixing a recipe he was proud of—milk, eggs, vanilla, and cinnamon to make French toast.

After breakfast, Eddie wanted to go fishing. so we packed his car with the essentials: fishing rods, bait, tackle, and a cooler, with giant Reese’s cups inside. We drove nearly an hour out to a fishing spot Eddie liked. But once we arrived, he wasn’t too interested in fishing anymore.

He drove me home. It was a Sunday evening, and when he dropped me off, I was bummed. We had spent so much time together, I didn’t know what to do with myself when he wasn’t by my side. I went upstairs and attempted to do some schoolwork.

Not even two hours had passed before Eddie called me, said he missed me, and wanted to come over. I was glad. When he arrived back at my house, he had his shaving kit tucked under his arm.

“I was gonna let you give me a shave, since you said you wanted to,” he said.

He was right, I had never shaved a boyfriend’s face, and I wanted to give it a shot. I thought it was sweet that he remembered.

So we went into the bathroom I shared with my roommate and I lathered up his face, making him look like Santa Claus. Trying not to laugh, I shaved a few rows, before he insisted on doing it himself.

The next Saturday, I worked a shift at the mall, where I saw American Eagle was handing out flowers to all of the girls that went in the store. I had plans to go out with one of my sorority sisters that night. As I was getting ready, Eddie called me and said he wanted to see me. I told him I was home, but I already had plans to go out with a friend. He said he was on his way.

I mentioned the flowers at the mall, and he said they gave them out at our store, too.

“It would’ve been nice if you would’ve saved some for me,” I said.

“Oh yeah?” Then, he hung up on me.

Not two seconds later, I heard a knock on the door. It was Eddie. When I opened the door, he was holding four flowers, each stuck in their own sponge of water, from the store.

“Yaaayyy!” I said, I leapt into his arms and gave him a giant hug. We talked outside for a while, then I went back inside to finish getting ready.

The next week, Eddie was leaving for a hiking trip with his friends. As a treat, I bought him some camping-friendly snacks he could take on the trip with him. It was going to be the longest time we’d had apart—we weren’t even going to be able to talk by phone.

He got back into town four days later and had to go to a work meeting, although I was complaining about not being able to see him that night. He said he would stop by after the meeting, even though it was going to be late. When he arrived at my house, I was fast asleep. But his call woke me up and I answered the door in my pajamas.

He was holding a cupcake he’d saved for me, from the meeting.

We went into the kitchen where we shared the cupcake. Keeping the lights off, we moved back into the living room, where I sat on his lap in the recliner. I had really missed him.

*     *     *

In late September, Eddie was super excited to buy a pumpkin. So we got a few, and carved them, leaving the pieces in the pumpkin. We filled our pumpkins with firecrackers, letting the loose pieces reveal the pumpkin face after the minor explosion on Olive Street.

Carving pumpkins was the only thing I truly loved about Halloween, and I remembered carving pumpkins one day after school with my first boyfriend, in high school.

That night, we displayed our pumpkins on Eddie’s front porch, putting a candle in them for the few passersby.

Eddie was ready to meet my parents. We’d been seeing each other for two months, but it felt like a year. Since we both had fall breaks coming up with school, Eddie suggested we drive back to the midwest and meet everyone. I was ecstatic! I called my family and told them Eddie and I were making the drive.

The first week of October, I came down with a sore throat. At first, it felt like I was coming down with a typical cold. But then, after a day of class, I was in some serious pain. I went to work at A&F, complaining about my throat. My manager sent me to the coffee shop for some citrus tea. It didn’t help at all, and I said I was going home.

I went to bed that night, hoping to feel better in the morning. But I awoke in the middle of the night and couldn’t swallow my own spit. I slept for the remainder of the night with a towel on my pillow, so I wouldn’t choke.

The next day, I told Eddie I was sick. In attempts to make me feel better, he arrived at my house with a gallon of cookie dough ice cream and a pizza. It was sweet, but I physically felt awful.

In the morning, I drove myself to the campus health clinic. When I approached the counter, I had to hold my throat with both hands to speak. They didn’t believe I was sick. I begged them to take my temperature.

When the thermometer marked 102 degrees, the nurse took me seriously. They insisted on doing a blood test. As much as I hate needles, and my own blood, I didn’t care. I felt like I was dying. After a blood test, the doctor took me in a room to tell me I had mono.

Mono? From who?

He told me I needed to rest, but they would give me a shot and some medicine to take home. Eddie and I were planning on leaving for Indiana that afternoon. When I left the doctor’s office, I drove to his house and threw my bags in his car. We hit the road.

“Umm yeah, so the doctor told me I have mono,” I said.

“Really? All of my girlfriends get that!”

I didn’t know mono was a lifelong contagious illness. But I was feeling better on my medicine, and Eddie promised to drive us the entire way.

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