Memories out back.
April 1, 2012

Last night, I joined a girlfriend for dinner before an event we had tickets for. The event, an MMA fight, was in an area of town that doesn’t have much going on. The best we could find was an Outback Steakhouse.

Outback Steakhouse was the first job I ever had. I was 16, had just gotten my license and a car, and a few of my friends worked there. After filling out an application, taking a quick math test, and passing an interview, I landed my first moneymaker.

I was so excited.

I didn’t realize it then, but it was a pretty lucrative gig. I was a hostess, so my job was simply seating guests and rolling silverware. I got a small hourly wage and a percentage of the tips for the night.

At 16, I was blind to several of the problems my older coworkers had. I was just there for gas money, while some of them had families, and mouths to feed.

That same year, I went to our high school’s winter formal with one of my best guy friends who also worked at Outback with me. We joined a group of our friends and coworkers for the dance and decided to head to Outback when it was over.

To our surprise, our coworkers let us in after the restaurant closed that night. They let us in the kitchen, in our formal wear, and fix ourselves slices of raspberry cheesecake.

It was simple, and it was so much fun.

I had forgotten about that night until I sat at the Outback bar last night. Just as I was approaching my second margarita, a group of four high schoolers sat near us, dressed for prom.

They were taking funny pictures, laughing when they teetered in their uncomfortable heels, and were constantly adjusting their shimmering gowns.

It took me back, ten years, to that night with my friends.

“I would love to go back,” my friend told me. She was looking in their direction, too.

“Me too,” I said. “I cared so much back then. I cared about good grades and being popular. Why?”

Exit Left, Wordlessly.
January 20, 2012

In last Sunday’s issue of The New York Times, there was a great Modern Love article by Aimee Lee Ball, “Exit Left, Wordlessly.”

Read it here.

In it, Ball explains a relationship she had with a Civil War re-enactor. Although she was attracted to him, she questioned some of the stories he told her about his home life. Soon enough, she showed him what she’d found on Google: his house was still under his wife’s name.

He had to spill the news that he was indeed legally married and living with his wife. Ball and the re-enactor went their separate ways before he came crawling back into her life 8 years and a divorce later. He came bearing romantically hand-written letters, champagne and plenty of roses.

However, he was still the same person with a life he wouldn’t share.

Eventually, he bailed on Ball, leaving without a trace.

I’ve been there, and as with any story, hearing those who’ve had it happen to them is always comforting. It’s sad that people can just leave a relationship without warning, or explanation. However, in Ball’s case, she learned she didn’t need the reasoning, because his cowardly behavior was enough.

While years have passed since I was left wordlessly, and my wounds have healed, it never hurts to hear a story like that. So, thanks Aimee.

I Spy.
November 11, 2010

After Halloween, the anger portion of my grief set in. The lovely Facebook showed me pictures of Adam in a frat boy costume. He was with a girl who was dressed as a pirate wench.

She is now his wife.

Although I had declared my single status on Facebook, I wasn’t an idiot—Adam hadn’t met his wench after-the-fact {their wedding website proves my point even further, but I didn’t know that then}.

So I put my anger on paper and wrote a column for the LSU newspaper, explaining how I’d been played. And I was sick of it. I felt like Adam didn’t care about me from day one, when I really did nothing to deserve such treatment.

Adam had lied to me, cheated on me and I was on a mission to kill. If there was any moment in dating that changed my perception of men, and love, this was it.

I finally had clear vision—if I were to succeed in this dating game, I needed the upper hand. I would have to play the hand Adam dealt to me and treat others like shit in order to get what I wanted. But this lesson was soon packed away, and nearly forgotten.

My column didn’t get the reaction I’d hoped for. My readers knew I’d been burned and was hurting because of it. I suddenly didn’t feel so strong.

A few weeks later, I spent my first Thanksgiving away from home. It was such a hassle to travel back to the midwest for such a short trip, that I was happy when a sorority sister invited me to her family’s Thanksgiving dinner.

However, I was worried that all of my high school friends would have a pow-wow, giving Adam a chance to talk shit about me when I wasn’t there to stand up for myself.

Regardless, I made it through the holiday, and was looking forward to going home for winter break. But when I got home, I had to deal with something I’d never dealt with before: baggage.

I spent my winter break getting rid of it.

I thought going home would be a way for me to run from my problems but instead, they were all over my room, my house and my city. His clothes were in my room, his gifts were in my closet, his pictures were on my shelves. Restaurants became off-limits because we’d eaten their together. Certain movies were unappealing because we’d watched them together.

But I got rid of it all. During my cleanse, I even found baggage from other relationships which was a very unpleasant surprise.

I even went through my phone and computer, deleting his number, along with messages.

Although I had stripped myself of all the physical baggage, it was time for me to work on the emotional part—the most difficult part of all. My memories of Adam were burning in my mind. The thoughts of him happy, with a new girlfriend, while I was wallowing, alone, tortured me.

But I knew I wouldn’t be able to move on without healing first. Although Adam may have been happy, he simply replaced me with someone else. He didn’t grow from his pain. In a small way, that thought made me feel better.

I had to keep telling myself that Adam only represented himself—not all men were assholes.

In January, I went back to LSU, back to writing for the newspaper, and back to A&F.

Over the course of five months, my friendship with Austin didn’t grow. He always had a girlfriend who he was either making out with at work, or working like a dog, with his iPod headphones stuck in his ears.

But one day, in early March, Austin caught me in the stockroom. And he asked me on a date.

Cleared for Landing.
November 10, 2010

When I flew back to Louisiana, I had just as much trouble as I did getting to Indiana. My luggage was lost, again. And I could tell something was very off with Adam. I hadn’t talked to him all day, and even when I called him to tell him I made it home safely, he didn’t answer.

My flight into Baton Rouge came in late. So late, in fact, that nothing was open in the airport. No coffee shops, no restaurants, not even any attendants at the airline desks. I was waiting for my luggage to arrive, along with the people from my flight, and someone who looked familiar—Austin.

He worked with me at A&F. I hadn’t talked to him much at all. I knew people thought he was an asshole, and because I didn’t know any better, I assumed he was. For that idea alone, I wanted to avoid him. But there was all but twenty of us waiting in the baggage claim. And when he made eye contact with me, I knew there was no way out.

He asked me how I was and told me he went on a trip for his landscape architecture class. I told him I went to visit my boyfriend. He got his luggage shortly after, I told him I’d see him at work, and I stood, waiting for my bags {which never came}.

When I saw him at work a few days later, we folded shirts together. I was already in a shitty mood because of the way Adam was acting. But I tried to blame my frustration on the missing luggage.

Adam and I went for a few weeks hardly talking. I knew something was wrong, but Adam was ignoring me every chance he could. My heart was broken. I’d never had anything like this happen to me and it sucked—bad. Toward the end of October, my friends and family told me what was up—Adam was trying to wriggle free of our relationship without properly dumping me.

I was in school, writing a regular relationship column, working on a sex radio show, and my own relationship was crumbling. I tried my best to keep moving, live my life as best I could, and write a weekly column that wouldn’t reflect my current heartbreak. One of those columns included a topic of pickup lines.

Adam didn’t like that one bit. He took his anger out on me, using it as a chance to pick a fight via text message. But I didn’t respond.

I told myself I would try to go an entire week without talking to him, an attempt at giving him a taste of his own medicine. I wanted him to feel like an asshole for treating me the way he did. I wanted him to feel the pain I did when I looked at my phone and had no missed calls from him. I wanted him to be lonely.

I went the entire week without talking to him, but once the week was over, I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t thought that far ahead, because I figured he would cave and call me. I was completely wrong.

Everyone was telling me to move on, but it wasn’t easy. I had such a history with Adam that made it seem impossible to just write him off. But I also knew Adam and I were reaching a point of no return. I loved him, but I couldn’t accept the way he was treating me. I missed him and wanted to talk to him, but he was pushing me far away.

In the next week, Adam and I talked some, but the talking turned into fighting. He told me he didn’t have an interest in my life anymore and was tired of being fake with me.

The holidays were approaching and my original plans were to have Adam fly to Louisiana and drive me back home to Indiana. I needed answers, so Sheena talked to Adam for me. He acted like everything was cool and that he was still going to drive me home. But he also told her he knew I was more committed to the relationship than he was, which hurt me.

It hurt me to the point of doing something drastic—I changed my Facebook profile to say “single.”

Although I was still very hurt, my attitude was starting to shift. The bigger picture depicted an Adam that I wasn’t in love with—he was dependent on his family, who didn’t like me. I decided to present Adam with an ultimatum: call me by Sunday, or I’ll assume it’s over.

He never responded.

And that was how I got dumped by my first love, my best friend. Of course, after I got rid of my physical baggage from my relationship with Adam, it took months before he was out of my mind. At the time, sorting through my emotions was one of the most difficult things I had to go through. But looking back on it now, it was just one step in many to come of my dating life.

Right Down the Middle.
November 9, 2010

When I returned to LSU for the fall semester of my junior year, I was on a high. I was in love with someone who loved me. When I left Indiana, we were certain we could make it work, despite the 14 hours between us. I was confident in our relationship, feeling like it was the first time I had done something right in the relationship department.

But a month later, I wasn’t feeling confident in myself. I became a person I didn’t know—I felt needy and emotional. I was getting worried and jealous over Adam going out to bars, thinking he was going to meet someone else and leave me behind, alone.

I remained close with Adam, and told him how I felt. He assured me that he still loved me and that I was only acting this way because I cared about him, which was true. I just had to survive a few more weeks. Then, I had a few days off from class and had booked a flight back to Indiana to visit Adam.

It was the light at the end of the tunnel.

When the day of my flight came around, I couldn’t have been more anxious to get to Indiana. I remember packing everything just right, and bringing my makeup aboard the plane with me so I could touch-up before I saw him.

But, aside from the plane crashing to my death, nearly everything that could’ve gone wrong did. When I was on my first flight, my connecting flight left without me. When I landed and tried to get another flight to Indiana, they said the next one wasn’t until the next morning. I cried to the airport employees.

I had to see Adam that night.

I was able to get a flight to Cincinnati, and my mom said she would pick me up, if Adam met us halfway. He did. I will never forget jumping out of the car, into his arm. I had missed him so much.

Adam drove us to IU, it was very late, cold, and all I had was my makeup bag that I’d taken on the plane. My luggage was lost.

I finally got to see Adam’s house. It was white, with a large front porch. It was old, with creaking wood panels for floors. But I loved it. By the time we arrived there, his roommates were asleep, but I was excited to meet them in the morning.

I slept in Adam’s clothes that night. The next day, I made plans to visit my friend Ale, while Adam went to class and studied. I wore the same outfit I had the day before, since I still had no luggage. I was quite cold in my frayed denim mini skirt, sequined slippers, and tank top with a green cardigan, in the cool October weather.

But when I returned to Adam’s house, he was done studying and he had my luggage.

Adam had planned for us to go out that night, so we had a few beers at the house before hitting the bars. It was a typical visit. Sheena came up one night to go out with us, which resulted in a few hilarious moments. And we played a round of beer pong in Adam’s basement. That night, more of Adam’s friends joined us, a few girls I didn’t know and didn’t make an effort to know.

Everything was going great, until my last night in town.

We were out to dinner, and Adam told me that his parents weren’t too happy about us dating. He said they thought it was silly of us to date, being so far away, and they didn’t want him to get distracted from his school work.

I was upset, nearly crying on the ride back to Adam’s house.

In the months prior, Adam’s mom told Adam she didn’t understand why I wasn’t making an effort to get to know her and the family more. So I made my best effort—calling her on random nights of the week to see what she was up to. Often, when I called, she told me she was busy and would ask to call me back. She never would, so I would call again.

I remember she asked me how often I talked to Adam, which shocked me, since I thought she knew we were together. When I said, “oh, we talk everyday,” she was as equally stunned.

As upset as I was on the car ride back, I was still dreading the alarm clock’s buzz. I didn’t want to say goodbye to Adam the next morning. But I did, and he told me not to cry, not to be sad.

But it was the last time I ever saw him.

The Sunrise.
November 9, 2010

After the night in Adam’s dorm over winter break, and returning to LSU for the spring semester, I was ready to go home and see my friends for the summer. Sheena and I were headed out for a typical summer night—out to a lake house. This was a friend’s family’s lake house—a notorious hotspot for partying in high school.

Once we arrived, it was a tightly knit group of guys from our high school, some were older and some had graduated with us. Sheena and I started drinking (we’d graduated to drinking beer by this point in our college careers) and we were taking shots. The music was blaring. We were all gathered outside, by the lake. It was a covered dock area, but it had lights, a bar, and a sound system. It was a little more sophisticated than the Tiki Hut from years ago. It was open on either end—one end faced the house and the other faced the lake, which was surrounded by huge houses.

Since I was enjoying the booze, I’m assuming no one else realized just how loud the music was, nor how loud we were talking. At this point, we were yelling.

Before I knew it, someone casually said, “Cops are here.”

I looked up, toward the house and walking toward us was a police officer. He was an older man, with a belly like Santa Claus—but his bag of toys included a breathalyzer and a set of handcuffs.

When he reached the dock, the music was shut off and he asked for everyone’s IDs. My purse was sitting in a chair, across the way from where  was standing. In an attempt to gain time, and perhaps save my ass, I told him I didn’t have my ID. I knew I was about to get busted.

He instructed us all to line up for a breathalyzer. I looked at Sheena, and she mouthed a reassuring, “We’re busted.”

My mind started to race. I didn’t even have any phone numbers memorized to call either of my parents for help. But then I realized an even greater problem: even if I had the numbers memorized, my parents wouldn’t help me. I could hear them now, “Enjoy the night in the slammer.”

Once Sheena and I were in line together, she told me not to worry because her dad had enough cash for situations like these. But I was still scared shitless.

But then, a savior appeared out of nowhere. And her name was Mary.

She was standing at the front of the line and struck a deal with the police officer. She asked him if she blew a .0, if he would let us all off the hook. He clearly thought she would blow something higher, so he agreed to her deal.

By the grace of God, Mary blew a .0. We were all off the hook. The police officer told us all to quiet down for the rest of the night—he didn’t want to be called out to the lake again.

We were all so thankful of Mary and we didn’t know how she even pulled it off. She said she’d had a shot, but it had been an hour or so since she had anything to drink.

We were just shy of lifting Mary above our shoulders, when we realized some of the other guys were missing. Not long after we began to search for them, they came paddling up to the back of the dock in a canoe.

They had paddled away at the first sign of the cop. Laughing hysterically, we all poured inside the house and proceeded to tell each other the story over and over again.

While we had somehow been spared out of getting arrested, but the night wasn’t over by any means.

Enter yours truly on a pull out couch, naked with Zach—the boy I had a crush on my senior year in high school. Sheena was in a spare bedroom, fighting off another guy, when she came out into the open area where I was laying.

“Holly…are you here?” She asked.

“Sheena…I…I have no clothes on,” I whispered.

We both laughed, some how I found my clothes and we were on our way unscathed. And no, I didn’t sleep with Zach. Ever. No more than a few weeks after that, Adam invited me over for dinner at his parents’ home.

When I got there, his parents weren’t home. He had grilled a dinner of kabobs for us—they were perfect. Each wooden stick had the same pattern: tomato, onion, pepper, chicken. They were so perfect, in fact, I questioned him over and over about making them. I was certain he bought them.

He fixed my plate and I was a bit smitten. We talked, and decided to try to date. That night, I slept next to Adam, in his bed upstairs. For the first time in many years, we kissed. It was a little awkward—something neither of us expected.

“Once we kiss, we can’t take it back,” he said.

Over the next few months, our relationship wasn’t much different from our friendship. We still hung out with our friends, but of course, we spent time alone, too.

Adam and I had already met each other’s parents over the course of our friendship, so there was no ta-da over that. However, Adam’s mom and dad would cause a problem in our relationship that I didn’t see coming.

I was out shopping with my mom one day, and I wanted to bring Adam and I home some dinner from PF Chang’s. I told him not to eat, and showed up at his house with the food. Adam’s mom was there, she had made something for herself, which made me feel bad—I hadn’t thought to include her, mainly because I didn’t know she would be there.

While we ate, she made a big deal about how expensive PF Chang’s was, which was incredibly awkward. Then, she asked me about a few new lamps she just put in her family room. I told her I thought they were, “okay” after she asked for my honest opinion.

Big mistake.

She told me she loved them and they were expensive. I tried to backtrack, but all I could do was put my foot in my mouth. From that point on, I felt like Adam’s parents didn’t like me as much as they could because I wasn’t raised in a church and I didn’t dress as preppy as they did.

At the end of the summer, Adam wanted to take me on a fancy date. I showed up at his house in a white, strap-less dress, with printed red flowers on it. As I stood outside on his front porch, Adam’s mom asked, “Who is THAT?” Who would’ve thought that I could clean up nice?

That night, Adam drove us to Indianapolis to eat dinner at The Eagle’s Nest—a rotating restaurant. There, I had brie for the first time. Adam stacked a cracker with brie and an apple slice and properly fed it to me. I was falling in love with my best friend.

Weeks later, Adam came with me to a family fish fry at my uncle’s home. It was the first time I’d ever brought anyone I was dating around a family member other than my parents. After the fish fry, Adam had a surprise for me. He drove me way out into the country, to a clearing by a lake. There, Adam set up a fire and all the proper camping fixings.

We watched the sunrise, for what would be one of our last moments together.

The Darker Side.
November 3, 2010

As close as Adam and I were, I never saw much of him during school breaks. Over the summer, Adam and his family spent time at their lakeside cottage in Michigan. During Christmas break, he was either closing the cottage or traveling to visit other family members.

From the outside, his family looked perfect. Adam’s dad worked for one of the largest companies in our city. He spent his 9 to 5 holed up in a gray cubicle, adorned with his degrees from Indiana University and Cornell. Adam’s mother was a thin, blonde who was very soft-spoken. She worked days, too, but always cooked dinner for her family and cleared the table afterward. Adam also had an older sister, who went to graduate school in Oregon and was active in her sorority. The family went to church as often as they could and kept in touch with neighbors.

When I visited their home, as I often did, I always looked forward to talking with Adam’s parents. They seems happy and genuinely interested in what I had to say. Typically, they asked about school, the dance team I was on, the school newspaper I wrote for, and my plans for college. While they were cheerful and pleasant, I knew that if I were to blurt out something they didn’t want to hear, they wouldn’t be so soft-spoken.

The more I got to know Adam, the darker side of his family came to light. Often, I’d stop by Adam’s during the weekend, usually on a Friday night. The same group of guys would be there, gathered around a bong in Adam’s backyard or a case of Rolling Rock in his basement. Adam and most of his friends has been drinking since they were in 8th grade, which was unheard of to me. Although I’d heard stories upon stories of their drunken antics—getting wasted off screwdrivers after a half-day of school, only to puke in Adam’s bathtub—I hadn’t been witness to many.

During one of these booze-induced evenings, Adam admitted to me one of the darkest secrets of his family. His mother was an alcoholic, masking Adam’s early drinking seem like more of an issue than I realized.

I couldn’t believe it. The perfect picket-fence-museum-religious-wealthy family was fraying at the seams. He told me about his mom getting help and how she often relapsed when his father went on business trips because she thought he was cheating on her. Trips to the cottage were sometimes hell because she packed shampoo bottles that were filled with alcohol.

Over the years, Adam’s older sister served as a protector. Adam told me he remembered nights when he heard his parents fighting and she would sit with him in the dark.

On the lighter side of Adam’s family, the side I knew, they had a Monday night tradition known as Italian Night. This event involved a trip to the local Fazoli’s—a fast food joint that serves meatballs and lasagna. They are notorious for their bread sticks, which are unlimited with every meal and are served in a basket by someone making rounds of the restaurant at least 60 times saying, “bread stick?”

One lucky Monday night, Adam invited me to join his parents for Italian Night. I was a little nervous—I’d survived several evenings at Adam’s house, but I didn’t know if I’d last an entire meal putting on a fake smile while slurping down spaghetti.

When we arrived at Fazoli’s, we were greeted with a framed picture of Adam’s family—they had been awarded the Oscar of Fazoli’s trophies: The Family of the Month Award. Adam’s parents seemed delighted to see me; his mom even made a polite remark about how I was always so pleasant to visit with.

Although I was so close to Adam and even talked with his family a lot, the dinner was slightly uncomfortable. His mom was just getting over a death in her family and I wasn’t sure how to treat the situation. His parents were always so pleasant to me and my friends, but I still wondered what was beneath the surface. I wanted to know what they thought of me just because I didn’t go to church, never went to a private school, and was more interested in liberal activities like newspaper and dance, instead of band or environmental club.

I eventually found out.

*     *     *

The first time I fell asleep next to Adam was in college. School was out for winter break of our sophomore year, so I drove to Bloomington on my way home, back to Indiana. Adam had invited me to stay with him for the night before we both headed home and I gladly accepted his offer.

I made it to IU, we went to dinner with his friends, had a few drinks—It was a typical night. Except for the part when I stayed in Adam’s dorm room later, in his bed. It was awkward at first, because we had always kept clear of most situations where it would seem like we were dating. But nothing happened, I fell asleep and everything was right.

We both went back to school for the spring semester and our friendship remained as solid as ever. During that semester, we grew closer. We talked more and talked about meaningful things—I confided in him about dating, school, and my family. When I went home for the summer, I was starting to feel something more, but I wasn’t sure if it would work with the distance. I also didn’t want to lose my best friend if it didn’t work out.

The Start of it All.
November 2, 2010

He arrived at her house in his black Sunfire. The sunroof was open, letting the evening sun pour into the gray interior. He was the first one in our grade to get his license and a car, dubbing him the official driver. His friend was in the passenger’s seat, waiting for my girlfriend and I to hop in the backseat.

We took off, speeding down the winding country roads to do what most Indiana kids did on a weekend night—drive.

That particular summer night, we drove to a steakhouse where the guys said their friend Adam worked as a bus boy. For some reason, they thought Adam would be able to hook us up {read: get us free food or beer}. But Adam told us he hadn’t worked there very long and didn’t want to piss anyone off.

It was too late. Our waitress, a chubby girl with blond curly hair, was already upset. She was confused and mad that we were trying to take her tip away and con beer out of someone. We ended the attempt, let Adam work, and allowed our waitress to do her job.

My first impression of Adam had me convinced he was a typical, good kid. Although that night at the steakhouse was the first time I met him, I’d heard things about him through one of my friends who had gone to a private Lutheran school with him.

As the summer wore on, I spent more time with him and his friends. Adam lived on California Street—the same street my family had lived on years ago. My old house was on the opposite end of the street, a green house with a large front porch. The first story of my old house was open, so I would ride my tricycle through the living room, toy room, dining room, and kitchen, without walls getting in my way. Months after we moved from the house, a set of curtains caught fire, burning a portion of the upstairs where the bedrooms were.

Adams house was on the nicer end of the street. His house was like a museum—quiet, clean and crisp. From the tile to the walls, and even some of the furniture, everything was white. There dining table was a slice from a giant tree trunk, detailed with rings and jagged edges. Even their fireplace was off-center.

The friendship I had with Adam started off casual, but we grew close fast. We talked on the phone nearly every night, about school or his work. I even told him about guys I liked. Our friends thought we would start dating, but we were always defensive about it—we were not going to date.

At the end of the summer, before my junior year, I joined Adam and our friends at the local marina. We’d spent many nights there, dragging coolers of jungle juice near a picnic table and lighting up flavored cigars, just to watch the stars dot the sky over one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in town.

It was the last night of summer and we were determined to do something memorable. In typical male fashion, the guys dared us girls to skinny dip and swim out to the floating dock. Although I considered these guys my friends, I had yet to come out of my shell. My parents had just divorced, I’d only been on a handful of dates, I’d kissed a few boys, but was a virgin in every sense of the word. None of my guy friends had kissed me or seen me in anything skimpy, aside from a swimsuit. I wasn’t about to go skinny dipping.

Then, a few other guys joined us at the marina. They were infamous at school for smoking pot. I wanted to have some fun that night, so I agreed to take off my jeans and swim to the floating dock wearing my tank top and undies. Adam and another guy agreed to swim to the dock with me. So, I peeled off my jeans and set them in the sand.

We started swimming toward the dock. The water was cool, and I was a little nervous that there’d be snakes once we got closer to the floating planks. But we made it, climbed on top and jumped off a few times.

Soon enough, we swam back to the shore, where the guys were still waiting. However, what wasn’t there were my jeans.

Of course.

So there I was. Finally, I had let my guard down in front of the guys and now I was pant-less, also in front of the guys.

At first, it was funny, but then the guys started to get mad. They knew I was upset and also knew that I wouldn’t be participating in any late-night pant=less swim sessions any time soon. I assumed someone hid them while we were swimming. I swore up and down I wouldn’t be pissed, I just wanted my jeans back, mainly because they were brand new.

But no matter how hard I persisted, no one said a word. The guys helped me look, but it was dark and my curfew was creeping closer. If I wanted to keep looking for my jeans, I was going to have to do it; I was going to have to call my mom and tell her that I took my jeans off in front of a group of guys to go swimming and now I was walking around in my underwear, soaking wet.

When I called her, she laughed at me.

I continued to search for my jeans, but I got the sick feeling the guys were starting to enjoy the view a little too much. I called off the search and joined Adam in the Sunfire for the ride home. It was one of the longest rides ever—not only was I cold and wet, I was sitting next to Adam, without my pants.

When we got to my house, my mom was waiting at the front door. When I stepped out of the car, she came out of the house, laughing. As embarrassed as I was, I was relieved I wasn’t in deep shit. The guys rehashed the story to my mom and everything turned out okay. Although, I never did find the jeans. I drove back to the marina the next day to search for them in the daylight, but had no success.

Nearly a year later, the event came back to haunt me. I was on a first date with a guy I really liked, a star athlete at my school and very cute. We went out to rent a movie for the evening and when we got to the cash register, I was faced with the pot smoker who had mysteriously appeared at the marina that night. Apparently, the police had caught up with him, as he was wearing an ankle bracelet for house arrest while working.

“You on a date with this one?” he asked, nodding in my direction.

“Yeah,” my date said.

“Good luck. She’s a wild one.”

Great. Now I was going to have to explain to my date why on earth this loser-face knew me, and why he thought I was a wild one to boot. As I told him the story on our car ride to his parents’ house, he got a good laugh out of it and I was off the hook.

When school started, I got a job at the steakhouse where I met Adam. He was still working there as a bus boy, me as a hostess. I was dating my first serious boyfriend, a hockey player for the local skating rink. He took me out to dinners, to friends’ houses and we carved pumpkins for Halloween. But just before Christmas, he called and dumped me. He said the relationship wasn’t moving forward physically, which meant it wasn’t going anywhere.

I was crushed. He was my first kiss, so of course it wasn’t going anywhere physically because I had no idea what I was doing. As soon as the phone conversation was over, I walked outside and kicked off the pieces of bark he’d put on my front step, in the shape of a heart. I dragged myself into the kitchen and told my mom what happened. It was the first of many conversations we would have revolving one of my breakups.

Not only was I without a boyfriend, I was also without a date to the high school winter formal. I was faced with this problem two years before, when I just decided to go with a girlfriend instead. But the dance was approaching fast, with few options in sight. One night, talking on the phone, Adam and I decided we would go together.

Our friends were a little surprised, after we had just spent the entire year swearing up and down that we were just friends, and here we were going to a school dance together. As parents always say, “What’s the big deal? You can go to a dance together as friends!” Which is true, but in high school, everything is a big deal.

We made plans to meet up and eat dinner with our friends beforehand. When Adam picked me up, I was dressed in a strap-less coral gown, with shimmering thread patterned all over it. I was wearing a classy pair of clear high heels. Adam brought me a gorgeous corsage, which he told me his mom helped him with. It was a small bunch of three white rosebuds, with silver ribbons around it. We met up with our friends and their dates and headed to dinner. At the dance, we all had a great time. Adam and I shared a few slow dances, which weren’t as awkward as I assumed they would be.

When the dance was over, we drove to the steakhouse, where we all worked. Our coworkers were closing up the kitchen, but unlocked the door and invited us inside. Still in our formal attire, I pulled up my dress to avoid any sludge from the red brick floor. The chef treated us to dessert—a slice of cheesecake. I felt exclusive, having dessert with my friends, being the only ones in the restaurant.

After dessert, all of us ventured to the towns’ very own hot spot—Adam’s hot tub. This particular hot tub, in Adam’s backyard, was rumored to house the germs of many ladies. All ladies who were not Adam’s—but those of his friends. Even after the fun, and somewhat romantic night, I stood by my strong feelings for Adam as a friend—one of my best friends.

Who’s the Turkey Now?
October 12, 2010

A few weeks later, I spent my first Thanksgiving away from home. It was such a hassle to travel back to the midwest for such a short trip, that I was happy when a sorority sister invited me to her family’s Thanksgiving dinner.

However, I was worried that all of my high school friends would have a pow-wow, giving Adam a chance to talk shit about me when I wasn’t there to stand up for myself.

Regardless, I made it through the holiday, and was looking forward to coming home for winter break. But when I got home, I had to deal with something I’d never dealt with before: baggage.

Relationships with Holly A. Phillips {published on Monday, January 23, 2006}

I spent my winter break getting rid of baggage.

“Baggage” is that pesky reminder of your ex; the good, the bad and the ugly.

In my case, there were a lot of bags—and they were harder to get rid of than I imagined. With a broken heart, I was forced to rid my world of items that reminded me of my ex. From pictures, e-mails and text messages right down to clothing, CDs and even his phone number.

Home, I thought, would be an easy place to get over my last boyfriend. But I was wrong. Home turned out to be a nightmare filled with far too many memories from my lost relationship.

I wasn’t surprised to find my room cluttered with his pictures and his clothes, but other places bothered me even more. Certain restaurants became off-limits because we ate there; even the video store was a disaster.

Sadly, my closet was full of baggage from exes I’d forgotten about—how delightful. But I felt so much better after I threw everything away—a fung shui for dating.

Now that I’m stripped of the physical reminders of my ex, I’m working on the emotional part. It was easy to throw out the things I could touch, but the memories are burned in my mind.

Somehow, I’m expected to erase not only a beautiful relationship from my memory, but also a meaningful friendship.

As hard as it is, emotional baggage is important to get rid of. Everyone’s got some, but too much can really get in the way of your next relationship.

I’ve heard most guys move on quickly to a new girlfriend just to “replace” their ex. I can’t think of a dumber idea. Emotional baggage can be more damaging than the physical stuff. If you go into a new relationship still upset with or attached to your ex, you’re doomed.

You have to separate the lessons you learned from the baggage. For example, my ex taught me even great guys can be jerks. But I have to separate that from my next relationship, because my ex does not represent any man other than himself.

If you’re going through the baggage routine, remember it is part of life; it happens to everyone. And seriously, who cares what your ex is doing or what he/she thinks?

But whatever you do, don’t let your ex win. It might be impossible to “white out” an entire relationship, but don’t let it affect your next ones; unless it’s for the better.

So get rid of your bags—even that Dior one—and say “hello” to your single self.

Rage Sets in.
October 12, 2010

After the journal entries, and after Halloween, the anger portion of my grief set in. The lovely Facebook showed me pictures of Adam in a frat boy costume for Halloween. He was with a girl who was dressed as a pirate wench.

She is now his wife.

Although I had declared my single status on Facebook, I wasn’t an idiot—Adam hadn’t met his wench after-the-fact {their wedding website proves my point even further, but I didn’t know that then}.

So I put my anger on paper and wrote this column for the LSU newspaper:

Relationships with Holly A. Phillips {published Monday, November 7, 2005}

Any guy who tells you he  doesn’t play games is a liar—and nothing makes me angrier than a liar.

In the past week, I’ve come across more guys who have one particular game in mind. This would be the “I’m-in-college-and-I-can-treat-girls-however-I-wish” game.

Never heard of it? Consider yourself lucky.

In this game, the rules are simple. You need two players: one man and one woman, both 18 years or older.

The woman must be interested in the man. After she confesses her feelings for him, he leads her on. The macho man then finds pleasure in her phone calls, text messages and pleas to go out again.

In this game, the man always wins—until now.

Did the guys forget that women are masterminds when it comes to games of any sort? So girls, if you find yourself caught in this game, don’t be afraid to play it right back. Trust me, it’s easier than you think.

If a man thinks he’s cool enough to pull this kind of stunt on a lady, he deserves to be slapped. Honestly, find yourself someone new, don’t put up with child’s play.

I’ll admit, sometimes I do lie—about my hair color. I don’t play games when it comes to relationships because they’re a waste of my precious time. If I like someone, I tell them.

In middle school, during sex education our teachers told us women mature much faster than man. I’m just now starting to see how much of a problem that’s causing.

The men—or boys, rather—in my age group aren’t ready for the same type of relationships I want. These boys don’t know what they want, unless it involves beer or sex.

Let me give you some advice: you won’t get any of the latter unless the games cease.

My best friend Sheena told me a guy made out with another girl in front of her just to make her jealous. It didn’t make her like him anymore; in fact it made her mad.

Another game guys play which I just love is the “I was too busy game.” I don’t believe that for one second. Don’t fall for it. No one is too busy to call.

I’m a full-time student in a sorority with three jobs, yet I’ve never been too busy for my friends or my boyfriend. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

I may never understand why it is men feel they have to play games to get what they want out of a relationship. Mach it’s their age or their macho attitudes, but it’s not working.

Don’t waste your time on someone who wants to mess around if you’re ready for something serious. The next time he calls, don’t forget to play the hand he dealt to you.

Tell him you’re just too busy.

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